Monday, July 5, 2010

More of me

Becoming a mom changes you, no matter how much you say it will not or how hard you try for it not to. You soften around the edges, and feel more. You become this version of you--just better, more improved. Your whole perception of the world changes the minute his tiny body was put into your shaking arms.

There is nothing that can ground you more, make you feel more human, or make you feel more alive than the love of your own child. The simple smile coming from those drool encrusted lips can keep you smiling for days, or the first time he laughs at you, you are on cloud nine for a week.

You find this way to love differently, and you look at those you love differently. You find good in everyone, you empathize more, and hurt deeper for those wanting to have a child but are struggling.

There is no greater pain than missing your child or seeing your child in pain, or the mere mention of an unknown child in the same respect.

You want guard this tiny little being against all the the evil in the world, yet you feel a bit more like there is so much more good to be seen in this world.

It is easy to take for granted the crazed morning rush, routine diaper changes or the calm of the bedtime ritual as the working mom of an active baby.

Tickling his belly and kissing his rosy cheeks during a routine diaper change, or massaging lotion into each of those ten tiny toes, and kissing each of those ten little fingers.

Lifting him up to the sky just to hear him giggle and see those dimples come out to play, or playing a simple game peek-a-boo.

Bending down to soothe him after his wobbly body fell beneath him.

Watching your child sleep, wanting more than anything to pick him up and snuggle him close. You want nothing more than to feel the nuzzle of his button nose into the nook of your arm, and his chubby little fingers on middle of your rising chest.

I had no idea how much I missed the little things.

I had no idea how much my life had changed until those routine parts of everyday life were temporarily put on hold.

I had no idea how much I changed when I became a mom until my 'MOM' badge had been temporally removed.

Some people might call it losing a part of yourself but I laugh at that. Not just a chuckle but a deep, down, full-out belly laugh! How can I be losing a part of myself when I have gained more of myself?

So, I am counting down the days until I can complete those mommy jobs once again and reattach that badge on my heart. I don't think that I'll be taking for granted a single snuggle, a single smile, a single kiss or even a smelly diaper.

I do not think I could ever take for granted the profound effect motherhood has on me.

I am proud of who I have become. I am his momma. I may be forever changed but I am his mommy and I am a better person because of it.


The Wilson's said...

such a beautiful post

Stuff Parents Need said...

Thanks for sharing this.

I know you are a mom who works outside of the home. Is that getting any easier for you. It is getting harder and harder for me. I'm almost at my wits end about it. Just wondering how you are feeling about it!