Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Those thoughts, continued.

Your comments were great! Thanks, but I did want to clarify a bit. I guess my biggest worry isn't about delivery itself, but for the complications I had with my c-section. I lost a lot of blood, and was so close to having to needing a blood transfusion. I was weak, and pale as a ghost. I had to have a home health nurse come to do wound care for almost 8 weeks, and wasn't supposed to drive that whole time. I had to schedule outings around the nurse coming if I did want to leave the house. Most of all, it was the pain of being poke and prodded daily, sometimes twice a day, that makes me shudder. I am almost sure it is why I had so many issues with my supply as well.

The thought of having to go through that again makes me sick to my stomach, but it also makes me incredibly nervous and I am sure I will feel awful. Not for me, but for Brady. Having another baby around will already rock his world, and I won't be allowed to hold him for as long as it takes to heal? There is no way. No way. Plus, the hematoma can take 3 weeks to heal, or 30. You never know. The nurse practiconer at my OB's office said hers took SIX MONTHS to heal. SIX!

It is why I have thought more and more of trying a VBAC. Like I said before, I am not nowhere near ready for another baby yet, but I do want to be prepared when we do decide that we are. I have done some research on it, and hope it can be a reality but if not, that is ok. I will take things as they come, and hope for the best. That is all I can do.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Happy Half Birthday!!!

Dear Brady,
Today you are six months old. It feels like it was yesterday that we brought you home. Mommy and daddy suck in every second we get to spend with you. All three of us laugh together every single day and we have you to thank for that.

You are such a lovable little guy! You love everyone you meet (except those people wearing scary glasses!) You love to flirt with the girls and are so enthralled by men. You watch Daddy's every move.
You are taking so much in. ! It only takes one time for you to see something and you do it! Grandma made the mistake of showing you how to crawl, and you have done it ever since! Mommy thinks your first word is going to be Target.

That lizard tongue of yours is always hanging out.

You love to hang with the big guys. Daddy too.

You take food seriously.
You get excited at the sight of a bottle, or even a spoon!
You had your FIRST big boy bath in the big bathtub. You were not so sure at first, but starting splashing, all while holding onto the side of the tub! Can't be too careful I guess!You smile lights up a room, and fills our hearts.
Everything goes into your mouth. Everything!

You are so strong! You can sit up for a long time now,
but even though you want to you are not quite ready to get up and go.
You look at things so intently. Books are one of your favorites. Especially ones you can eat!
Mommy already thinks you are going to be a genius!
This is by far your favorite activity. You jump up and down and squeal in delight.
You try to get every part of it in your mouth, and we could watch you play in it for hours!
You stand up so tall and laugh so loud!
Lily (dogs in general) would be your favorite toy hands down, only if she would let you.
She is getting better at understanding that she needs to be gentle with you.
She loves when you puke way more than we do!
You watch her every move and your face lights up with pure joy when she gets near you.
You are doing so many more things! You are experimenting with cause and effect, respond and turn your head when we call your name, laugh at silly games and voices, jump up and down in the exersaucer, roll from front to back, and back to front, eat your feet, move toys from one hand to another, and look for things when they disappear. You roll to your tummy in your crib, and wake up each morning smiling and talking. It is the best part of my day!
If only you could learn that we SLEEP at night.

Brady, I look at you everyday and find 100 more reasons why I am thankful to have you in my life. You have taught me more in six months than I have learned in 31 years. You bring pure joy to our lives and each day only gets better. You make our world complete.


Mommy and Daddy

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Those thoughts in the back of my mind

If you have read this blog for a while, you know that Brady's birth wasn't ideal, nor was the recovery. I think about it a lot, and wonder if I will ever be ready to have another?

Let me add this disclaimer by saying no, I am not pregnant, I do not plan on it soon, it's just something that I think about a lot. Brady is getting older, and I know that I wanted my kids about 2 years apart. So, the time will come when I will want another but I have this voice in the back of my head that tell me 'no way in hell will you put me through that again.'

There are a few things I know that we most likely will not have to face again. Brady's pnuemothorax (hole in his lung) was an odd circumstance, and most likely, we will not have to go through that again. The cord being wrapped around his neck? Maybe. Maybe not.

Then, there is that part about how I felt being cut into.

THAT part sucked, and why I was so out of it after his birth (you know since they told Blake they gave me the strongest pain med they had.) Knowing my history that this happened before, hopefully they can plan ahead and go a different route with medications or there is something else that we can do differently (that is if I don't get my VBAC I really want.) I know this is something we can possibly control.

The whole VBAC thing. Do I dare try? I know how disappointed if the end result if another c-section and who knows I may not even be a good candidate taking into consideration all the scar tissue I probably have from 'the complication.'

The complication or as the medical people call it-the hematoma.

My dr. said it most likely will happen again. How do I deal with something like that with a newborn, AND wild man Brady running around?

Most people go into a pregnancy excited, and joyous, but will I be able to enjoy it? Will I worry about these things the entire time?

I guess it is one of those things that we have to wait and see. Until I am ready to even think about all of this, I guess it will be one of those things in the back of my mind.

What is the point of this post? I have no idea other than to just get it out. When I was pregnant with Brady, I worried about everything, so I know about the worry. The next time I will know more, and have more to fear. Sometimes knowledge can be a bad thing.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Good stuff/Not so good stuff

Good stuff:
Brady is awesome.

Parents as Teachers evaluated him last night, and he is awesome. No concerns, right on track for some things, and ahead for others. Like I said. My kid is awesome. They also asked me a few questions for a research study to look for early signs of Autism. He did really well so that was definitely reassuring. I won't lie and say that it doesn't concern me since I work with kids with Autism, and the rates are growing everyday. I am all for research so I hope that they are able to find out something with this study!

Started using Mylanta a few weeks ago and it is helping a bit! I have been giving it to him twice a day and his tummy seems better! Still puking, but we have less than a week till he is 6 months old, so hopefully, we start to see improvement!

He is off the charts with height and weight. He weighed 19.5, and 28 1/2 inches. This kid is 83% for weight, and 94% for height. I have a giant kid. I love his fat rolls, and again, he is awesome. This kid is taller than I was at 12 months. This kid loves his food. He laughs when he sees a bottle, or his spoon!

Not so good stuff:
Brady's eyes have been puffy, runny nose, stuffy nose, and coughing. I had a feeling what it was going to be and his dr. confirmed it yesterday. Allergies. I have the worst allergies so I expected it. She did say that they have been so much worse this year, and the plus side of having the same dr went to get my some inhaler/nose spray samples but they were all out. Pharmacies have been running out of this stuff! Allergies suck and it makes me sad to know he is going to suffer with them. Hopefully, because they are so bad this year, he won't have many issues down the road. He is too little for medicine right now, and we are keeping an eye on him for breathing issues (I have asthma too.)

This kid has gotten himself into the crawling position several times this week. YIKES! Operation baby proofing is beginning this weekend. I am excited for his new independence, but terrified of all the other stuff. His first boo boo. I can barely handle his shots, how will I handle his first owie. Being a mom is rough. lol

One word. Teething. Teething is my nemesis. Nightly wake ups. Crying spells. Teething=suckiness. I can see those top two suckers, and I want them to come out!

Awesomeness x 1 million:
He hold his arms up for me to pick him up. Whenever he does it, my heart bursts.
Best part of being a momma hands down.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A few of our favorite things....

I have started posts like this when he was younger, but before I could finish it, he would change his mind!!! I will one day write a post about our essentials/lifesavers as a refluxy newborn.

Books. This one is one of his favorite along with the fabric books too, but I hope he continues to like them!

He loves his food. lol. Specifically bananas. I like this brand, but do buy the Gerber Organics when they are on sale too. I have made a few things, but haven't had time to make everything. Avacados are super easy and he loves them!

Speaking of food, this is the formula we use.

It has Probiotics for his tummy! We tried every single other kind to help with the reflux, and while this one doesn't stay down long, it was our favorite. It's closer to breastmilk than the others I feel. Similac has one that is pretty good too, but we stayed with this one!

while we are still on the food topic, these are the bottles I have grown to love. We have the Born Free ones and I use those too, but these are my favorites. I actually bought one and ended up buying 10 more since. The reason I love them? They have a hole in the nipple on the side that prevents ANY air from getting in and preventing a lot of gas. They are pretty awesome, and cheap!
This kid loves this guy. He teaches about the body parts and ABCs. He gets the biggest smile on his face from this dog. Really, any dog. He loves Lily too!

this one has no explination. You know why I love it. lol.

This is one of those things I cannot live without. One of our favorites, hands down! If I let him, he would spend ALL day in here. He loves this thing. He stands up so tall in it and grabs everything. He knows how to push the button so that it will sing to him.

Another all time favorite is this one. Everything goes into this kids mouth. Everything! Now, that he is eating like a big boy in his high chair, this is my favorite thing in the world right now.

Baby Ganics Cleaner Upper-Toy and Highchair cleaner! Genius! No chemicals, or harsh smells, and safe for my little chunker!! I can clean his toys, his exersaucer, everything with it and not worry!

There you have it! Some of our favorite things!
Of course, you all know what MY favorite is..........
He is short, fat, mildy bald, and laughs a lot! :)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Me rambling.

I loved hearing your comments on my last post. I wrote it not for me, but for all mommas out there. I hear far too much that between the mommy guilt, and the mommy wars (as Kristal put it) we struggle alot with that inner voice, and we all need to be strong and let it go sometimes. I know it probably will never go away competly, but if we can quiet it, we can live at bit happier!

Speaking of being happy, I had a little accident with our computer this weekend, and our hard drive failed. I was in tears. All of this time, I had not backed up our pictures like a good girl, and when I found out they could all be gone, I was a mess. I kept thinking how I was going to explain to him when he was older that I have no pictures of him as a newborn. Talk about hot mess.

Luckily, Blake works with some smart peoples, and they have recovered most of it. We now have our wireless external hard drive hooked up to our system, and it automatically saves it when we add something new. Awesome.

I also had a realization the other day. My baby boy is going to be SIX months old in 11 days. ELEVEN people. I am having a really hard time with this next month. I dont know why but it kind of feels like the end of the tiny baby (well, he was only tiny for a minute) stage, and on to the big boy stage!

He can sit up on his own some days he is better and doesn't tip over but I think that is what got me. I am sure I will be a hot mess on his first birthday!!

...........and because this post is in dire need of a picture or two, I'll gladly add some of my chunker.

Fat baby in little shirt. lol. For the record. I am holding his shirt because he kept reaching for the grass and tipping over! lol. This was his first time putting his little piggies in the grass!!!
See Ma, I am a big boy! I can sits up all by myself! He gets so proud of himself when he does it!

One of my favorites. I love his fat little piggies in the grass.
On random, note I really need a blog makeover, and I have no idea where to start. I completly forgot how i did it last time!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Mommy guilt

Let me first start this off by saying that I am not trying to start a debate about breastfeeding vs formula, or natural births vs epirudals or whatever. We are all parents and we all do what WE feel is right for our child. No one else should ever tell us that what we are doing is wrong, and we shouldn't feel guilty for what we choose. We should be supported in whatever it is we choose. (I could write a whole other post how breastfeeding is not, but like I said, I'm not writing this to start a debate. I am writing this from deep inside my heart.)

I am just as this mom said, pro feeding babies'. I, like many moms' experienced birth, parenthood and so many other things about my child in a difference way than I expected, and with that comes emotions. Comes life.

A recent article came out that said "The lives of nearly 900 babies would be saved each year, along with billions of dollars, if 90 percent of U.S. women breast-fed their babies for the first six months of life."

As a mom who is pro breastfeeding to the core, it got to me. Underneath my skin, deep in my blood, and a dagger straight into my heart.


It a one word answer. One word mommies know all too much so it be about boobs, being a working mom, or not getting him that new toy.


Mommy guilt.

Hands-down the worst guilt we guilt ourselves with.

You all know how I struggled with breastfeeding, and I am not sure if I ever posted the end result. I am not sure if I did it out of guilt, or just lack of time or maybe it just didn't cross my mind to but my battle with the boob ended almost 3 months ago.

Reading articles like this make me fee like a failure. I know I am not deep inside, but it is everywhere I turn. Even on the formula sites, or bottle pamplets. It's everywhere. Breastmilk is best, and if I give my child formula, I'm not giving him the best.

Do you know what that does to a parent?

Um, hello mommy guilt!

If I have learned anything by being a parent, I have learned that you have to roll with the punches. Babies don't come with instruction manuals (trust me, I've asked) and every day the rules change.

I had done my research, read numerous books, blogs and articles regarding parenting, birth, labor, and babies. Before that stick dried, and before those lines showed up, I knew how I wanted his birth to go. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and I knew what I didn't want (ahem, c-section!) When it didn't go the way I planned, I was so confused, and in a giant hormonal shift from, you know, BIRTHING A BABY, and I was a mess. For a moment, I questioned my choices, and the cycle of guilt continued.

The more I read, I started noticing a pattern. I even notice it now as I meet other moms. We as mothers always feel like we need to defend our choices. It starts even before the child comes out, and the questions spread like wildfire.

Are you going to breastfeed? Ew, you are going to BREASTfeed? (I actually got that) Are you going to get the epidural? Say YES to the drugs! Drugs are bad, they hurt the baby! When do
you find out the sex? When are you due? Are you excited? You are going to use cloth diapers....that is crazy! Disposable diapers kills the environment with each poop. Formula is evil. Breast is best!

Then, the child comes into the world and it gets worse! I only feed my child organic. Your potty training now? Your letting your child CRY? You need to let him cry it out. Starting solids is bad! You need to give that baby some real food!

Those that formula feed, go on to explain why they couldn't breastfeed. Those that choose to birth naturally are judged, and those that want an epidural are criticized. Whatever our choice, there is always someone who adamantly disagrees, and so is life.

Coming from someone who struggled, and finally lost the battle with breastfeeding, and had to have a c-section, this gets under my skin...right down to the bone. I struggled (and I find myself STILL struggling) deeply when my body did not provide my child what I wanted to give him. I found myself ragged with guilt with each scoop of formula. Every book, and article and website goes on to say, "breast is best." Each time I read that it is like a stab in the back. I have only been a mother for 5 1/2 months and I already know of this guilt we put on ourselves. I gave my child three months of breast milk, and I should pat myself on the back for at least trying and dealing with the crappy hand i was given. I know I did everything I could and that is all that should matter to me.

We put so much pressure on ourselves that when things do not go our way, we struggle. We feel the need to explain the why's and how's. I asked myself why a million times.

Our child's birth is such a personal, and emotional event. We chose the path best suited for our child. Yet, we find ourselves defending each decision and explaining our actions because we know we did the best we could do, and we want others to feel that too. We don't want others to think we gave up, or that we were weak, or that heaven forbid, we are bad parents. When it all comes down to it, we should all be proud of ourselves.

We are mothers. We have the single most difficult job on earth, and yet we never give ourselves the credit we deserve.

Then, I learned something 5 months later, and talk about mommy guilt exemplified.

When Brady was born, my water broke the night before and it had been so long since he was down in the birth canal without fluid so when he took a big breath when he came out and it tore a hole in his lung. That big breath that tore his lung was the cause of his NICU stay. The cause of so much fear, worry, sadness, and so many other emotions. Emotions I can feel when I think of that moment.

I kept thinking if I had given in sooner to the c-section I could have prevented it. I could have had that magical first time meeting. Breastfeeding would have worked out. Life would have been perfect.

Then, I told myself to shut up.

Trust me, it took me a long time to be able to tell myself that.

Really, Amy, Shut the hell up!

Guilting myself wasn't going to solve anything. Guilting myself is stupid. He is here now. He is growing healthy and fat.

So, for anyone who feels this mommy guilt, do what we would tell our kids not to say.....

tell that little guilty voice to shut the hell up!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Baby Giggles

For some reason, he pants like a dog, and finds it funny. He is super ticklish!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I took Brady to the reflux dr a few weeks ago. He was exactly 5 months old, and weighed 18 pounds, 6 ounces. 28 inches long. I have a giant kid. He is wearing 12 month clothes, and some of those are a little snug.

I didn't get the news I wanted at his appointment. Basically, he is throwing up everything that goes in him. She said that babies that puke up this way, tend to do it until they are a year old. I paid $35 to hear that. Awesome, I am so sick of PUKE! She also said we are in the peak of it, as it goes from 4-6 months. Hopefully, in a few weeks we can see home improvement.

The weather has been absolutely blissful, and it makes me sad that I can't enjoy it with him. Now, that he is older, it gets harder and harder to leave him everyday. I tell him every Sunday that we are going to run away, but he just looks as me and smiles. I know it's going to be harder once summer rolls around, and once he gets walking and talking. Sometimes being a mom is hard.

He is getting so big. He can sit up for longer periods of time all by himself. He is so proud of himself too. He is truly showing his personality, and I find that he is growing up before my eyes, and it makes me so sad. He has a few teeth that are going to pop at any time (and oh man am i ready for that to happen. teething sucks. nuff said)

He still isn't sleeping through the night, but we had one night when he slept for TEN freaking hours. Yes, but alas, it was a fluke, and he just did it to show me he could.

We have been having issues with Lily. She snapped at him once, and growled at him a few times. We are working with her, but this is just an issue that I didn't think we would have to deal with. I have no idea what I would do or feel is she bit him, and I don't even want to think that might be an issue. I hope that maybe she needs to get used to him being more of a person instead of that thing that would just lay there and cry! He is in LOVE with her, and laughs at just the simple sight of her. It's melts my heart, and I would hope that they would be good friends. Hopefully, they still can.

I have a ton of pictures to upload, and some other things that I got super behind in posting (ahem, his room....) So, one of these days, I'll get it done!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. I know we did. Holidays are so much more fun with a little one around!