Wednesday, August 31, 2011

When I grow up.

Life has just been passing by and I try to catch up with it but it runs way too fast and always in the same direction.

I got a job yesterday. Then, I had to turn said job down. I was left feeling frustrated and upset because I really wanted to take the job but it was a steep pay cut we can't really afford right now. I try to find the positive in it but it can be hard when things never seem to go your way. I quickly made myself snap out of it because I am blessed for what I have. While that is not easy to do and while it sounds so cliche to even say, it's very much true. I think of the people we miss, the people who desperately need work, or even my dear friend, who is going through hell right now.

That always stops the pity party but I am often led in the a wonder less direction.

Where do I go from here?
How can you be lost in this digital age? Get out your damn smart phone, woman!
What do I want to be when I grow up?
Wait, Amy, I thought you were grown up? 

I am grown up, right? I mean we own our own home (actually, nope, the mortgage company does,) own my car (wait, again, the bank owns it still,) and have a child (uh, I hope the bank doesn't own him too!) As a child I defined 'grown-up' as someone having those things but I often think to myself, 'Ha!' your are far from a grown-up! You don't even know what you wanna be when you grow up!'

I think back to what seems like a lifetime ago, to the dreams I so bravely and naively would conjure up inside my innocent mind. Doctor, curer of world hunger, farmer of money trees and a mom to a litter of kids.

So, besides the whole doctor, curing world hunger and growing money on trees thing, I am who I wanted to be when I grew up.

Even Momma Amy.

As a self-proclaimed fastest diaper changer in the Midwest, a toddler distracting extraordinaire and a boo-boo kisser, we all know it cannot pay the bills. (Now, if I could only get paid for every dirty diaper I've changed or boo-boo I've kissed)

I could go on to say that your position a mom in fact does get paid, in kisses and the reward of watching this creature grow from a gummy bear to a live talking, running, mischievous child (too bad I can't pay those banks in kisses!) but while it may be true, it does not put food in that child's belly and bills cannot be paid with monopoly money (though I think we'd all be rich if that were true!)

I still find it a struggle with where to go from here because my most important position I'll ever hold is that butt wiping, boo-boo kissing role as a mom but that doesn't mean my other job isn't important too. I work because well, we like to be able to pay those banks but I have worked hard to get myself through school and to where I am now. I think my ideal situation would be to work part-time, even if I could afford to not work. It took me a  while to realize that I do indeed like working, I just don't like the stress that comes with holding multiple positions.

When I first went back to work and as I adjusted to that new role as this constant juggler, I felt like I was drowning and needed to be rescued. I thought being a SAHM was the answer but the more I dove deeper, I knew that it was all for selfish reasons. I was tired of juggling. I didn't sign up for all this overtime, especially unpaid!

As time went on and as Brady decided that sleeping was way better than partying all night, life got a bit easier in many ways. I have learned to be content with what cannot be changed and searching for what can be changed. I might not know where that may be or what other title that it may add to my ever growing list but I can tell you one thing, I'll figure it out one day. Maybe when I grow up. Until then, I have to remind myself to sit back and enjoy my most important place in this world.

As mom to this amazing little soul.

Please continue to pray for little Olivia. I'll be posting more information soon but she did not reach remission as hoped and the next step is a bone marrow transplant. Her momma is a dear friend and babies should not be allowed to get this sick. She goes into the hospital today for several tests and treatments. Please keep her in your prayers and that they find a match. 


Julia said...

Finding the balance is SO hard to do, but it seems like you are really figuring it all out. Sorry the new job didn't work out but just remember that doing what is best for your family is much more important than the rest. Great post!

Carrie said...

Love this post! I can't stop thinking about Rachel and Olivia. My heart aches for them every day.