Testing your strength

It is so funny how being a mom can test your strength on a daily basis in different ways. A while back, Brady practically shooed me out the door, I was hurt. It is a moment as a mother you expect to happen and when it does you are never prepared.

Then, a month or so ago something else happened and I changed my tone of thought completely. My niece has been watching him the past few months on Tuesday's for a while and he knows her and loves her. The week before, his grandma watched him and he didn't see her. She walked in the door and he smiled at her but as I left, I could see a bit of something unwavering.

I drove to my meeting and then I received a text from her. She said that he kept going to the door looking for me.  I carried that with me the whole day. I kept imagining him looking at the door with sadness in his eyes and my heart burst into tiny pieces. I later called her to see how he was doing and she said he was in such a good mood singing and dancing that the 10 minutes this morning he cried when I left didn't seem to phase him.

ME in utter shock and disbelief: WHAT? HE CRIED?
HER trying to make me feel better I think: Yes, only for 10-15 minutes and then he's been fine since.

Oh man.  Of course I was sad. I felt awful for leaving him and I wanted to never leave him again.

Later that day, I walked in the door and he yelled so loud my ears almost popped, MOMMA (back when he called me that, ha!) The pieces of my broken heart slowly mended back together. He was in a good mood. He was playing with her and giving her books to read. He was fine. He is fine.

Since then, each morning as I step out the door, Brady waves to me out the window. He gives me a goodbye kiss and hug but I can always tell I am keeping him from his fun and I go on my merry way.

You see, I'm not sad anymore. While I'll never feel 100% good about leaving my child, I know he is in good hands. He is safe but most importantly he feel safe. 

Crying or shoeing me away will happen, maybe tomorrow or when he's 25. It will happen again and as he gets older, it will get harder. As painstakingly as it will be, I will remember the laughter and smiles I see each day I get home to him.

 Brady is at the age where he understands that me walking out that door means I'm leaving. If I can't be there with him, I can leave him in hands I trust. Today it might be our sitter and someday it will be a teacher, or to a friend's parent for a sleepover, and someday even to his wife.

I think motherhood is like that. It's the difficult moments like this that strengthen you as a mom. It makes you stronger and it makes you a better mother. Either way, it changes you.