Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Little letters to keep my sanity

To the person who not be named that birthed my husband;
 I am not pregnant. I have not been pregnant in over 14 months. You know, since oh the day I birthed my son.  So, I'm sorry to disappoint but Brady is not spilling any family secrets. He is not lifting up your shirt and saying baby. He is saying belly. I can understand and interpret toddler speak so trust me on this one

He also is not kissing your belly. Actually, he is trying to bite it. He will bite anything he can find; your arm, your nose, your big toe and even your boob if it gets in the line of fire. So, watch out. Those suckers might be little but they are nothing to mess with. Trust me, I stuck one in there today and almost lost an index finger.

With love,
 The not pregnant and wife of one of the babies you birthed.

Dear baby Tylenol,
 I love you. Thank you for existing in my molar hell.
 with pure appreciation and adoration,
Momma of a molar sprouting baby

Dear Brady,
Yes, my name is Amy but I am your momma. Please go back to calling me momma and not by my surname.
ps. I know you are busy growing FOUR stinking molars at once but can you sleep again at night, please? w/ a bag of brown shugga on top?

To any teenager thinking of ever having sex,
First of all, don't you watch Teen Mom? IAnyway, I am starting a teenage abstinence program. Ha, you laugh now. Just come spend the day with my (FOUR at a time) molar sprouting baby and I think you get why I am starting the program. It works. I can guarantee it. We will let you enjoy several lovely night wakings, a wide eyed baby at 5 am, grocery store meltdowns and the biting rampages all WITHOUT a single dose of relief bringing Tylenol. While you are dealing with that you will have to look presentable for work, write and get that report in by the deadline for work, make dinner, do 10 loads of tiny pieces of laundry without loosing a pair of baby socks, make sure the house doesn't look like WWII hit, cure world hunger and keep said baby happy all at the same time.

Sound scary doesn't it?

If you are still interested, please seek psychological help immediately.

The management


Sarah said...

love it :)

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

So funny BUT true

Meredith said...

We are in molar hell too. I half considered putting Lizzy in her pack and play for an hour this morning while I slept. The lack of sleep doesn't seem to be phasing her, but it's DEFINITELY affecting me.

It's interesting though, because my letter would be to baby motrin...tylenol doesn't even TOUCH her teething pain.

Leah said...

I can't decide which is my favorite!

Momma Wilson said...

too funny!!! We're in (4 at a time) eye teeth hell, it may be worse then molars...just saying, there are fun times ahead:)