Friday, April 1, 2011

Loss

When life gets too crazy, it seems like there is always something that forces you stop in your tracks and take a moment to catch your breath. Those forces of nature might be blessings or they might make you want to hold onto your loved ones and never let go.

Sadly, this is one of the latter. 

On Wednesday night, my husband's brother passed away. He was only 44 and left  behind his wife and two children (nine year old son and 19 year old daughter.) We went into the day knowing there was a big chance he would not make it but when it actually happens, it's still really hard to believe. I sit here now wondering how it came to be.

March used to be a favorite month of mine and has slowly slipped into a month of bad memories in the span of a year. I think we all were slowly started to feel comfortable again and stopped wondering what was coming next. In the best of times, I think there is a good reason for it, a bigger meaning and days like today, I think it's a crock of crap.

 It sucks that we are constantly blinded by grief and sadness and even though I've tried to remain optimistic I wonder why we are constantly being tested. Why we cannot catch a freaking break.

The first funeral I had ever been to was Matt's and that was probably the single worst experience of my life and this feels eerily similar in so many ways. Some people are lucky to never face something like this but in a short span of time, here we are again.

I know the days ahead of us won't be easy but I can say this-we will get through it. The past 13 months has been a true test of faith, love and human strength to say the least. People always ask us how we got through. We are strong but we do fall down. We fall hard. I see people complain about mundane pieces of life and wonder what they really have to complain about and I get mad. I get angry and I find myself complaining too.  I see people lie and hurt others and cheat their way through life. I too get caught up in everyday life and forget to appreciate what I've been given. I have to stop and remind myself to stop and take a breath.

 I have always thought of my son as a ray of light through our darkest times but in times like this, I feel he was put here to help us through it. We didn't plan for him to come into our lives when he did and I now know there was a bigger reason. We needed him.

When you have a child and you are dealing with grief, it can be hard but it is can only be the truest blessing. Meals might be a little late and less than healthy but watching the true innocence and laughter of your child is what gets you through. It shows hope of peace and comfort. Kisses and hugs are magical and healing. You find comfort in his laughter and see yourself smiling again.

Tonight, while Brady laid his head on my chest, my husband who is beyond loving, caring and genuine, thought of his parents. No matter who we are and what we've been through or have done in our life, we started out small and innocent. We too have set our heads on our mommy's chest to find comfort and that it's ironic that a simple act can bear so much weight to us as well.

Please pray for his family. For his parents who cuddled him as a child and kissed his boo-boos and for his children that he rocked to sleep and were the lights of his life.

11 comments:

Katie said...

Amy, I have no idea what happened, but I am so sorry. You are all in my thoughts. So, so sorry. :(

Cassie said...

Amy I am truely sadded by your loss. I was 18 when I lost my sister so I can honestly say I know Matt's pain. I can give hope that it will get easier, but there will be days that suck so badly. You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers during this time of need.

Kristal said...

I'm so sorry Amy.

RoryBore said...

Deepest sympathies and condolences.

Stuff Parents Need said...

Wow. Praying for you and your family. And sending thanks to God that you have your little one. I think you are exactly right that he came into your life for many very important reasons.

Julia said...

Again, so sorry. Sending prayers and hugs.

N. said...

Amy, I am so sorry to hear this. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sarah said...

many prayers and hugs, amy.

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

Oh my...Amy I am sooo sorry! There are NO words to say to you but I am praying for you and your extended family.
God be with you

Natalie said...

oh amy i am so sorry and praying for you guys! don't even worry about the csn thing--you have plenty on your mind right now!

Maria said...

Amy, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. You guys are in my prayers. :(