A HUGE leap of faith

I wanted to wait longer to announce this because it will totally suck if it doesn't work out but I'm starting to find myself freaking out and talking myself out of it on many occasions.

So, I come to you guys.

I'm applying to graduate school.

It's a two year program and when I graduate I'll be an Occupational Therapist.

Ok, not such a big deal huh?

It's a two year FULL TIME program.

That means my job? Bye-bye...and bye-bye income.

That is where the freak out begins. We'll loose an income and unless I can get some honking big scholorships, I will gain more student loan debt. Plus, I currently carry Brady on my health insurance.

I'm absolutely terrified and excited at the same time. This has been something I've wanted to do for a long time but always took the easy way out when it came to getting my undergraduate degree and when pursuing my masters, I decided teaching wasn't for me.

I haven't been accepted yet either which is the scariest part.  I have to take the GRE which is another scary thing all in itself.

I have to take two prerequisite classes (physiology and upper level science course) and hope to take those next semester which would mean my last days of employment are drawing near.

If I get in and when I'd graduate, my income will at least double. Even in the lowest paying position and my opportunities are so much more open.  My hours can be worked around us and our children. I can say good-bye to my job now that I can honestly say I am miserable at. Goodbye hour long drive to work. Goodbye to our money too.

The whole thing has me freaked out. I'm good at school  and joked I could be a professional student but I've never done it with a child. Never had some much at stake. Loosing the income is what scares me most. I know a lot of people do it but I already carry a ton of student loan debt and some debt we acquired while Blake was unemployed a few years ago.

I wonder how this will work. How can we afford child care and who will watch Brady when I'm at school? What if I don't get in and what if I can't get enough financial aid?  What will we do when we decide to have another baby? Can we afford another baby? What if and what if some more.

I can't live through the what if's. Sometimes it's the big life changing decisions like this that make all the difference in ones life. Sometimes we need those changes. Sometimes we need to move on. Sometimes you have to make a leap of faith. That is what I'm doing. I pray that it will all work out in the end.

I know in my heart though this is the right decision. Not only will it bring in more income eventually but I will be doing something I love and my heart will be in it. My heart was in my current job when I started but there is so many other things that caused that flame to go out. I am a social worker and a burnt out one at that.

Like I said, I was trying super hard to hold this in and make an announcement if I got in but the worrier in me needed to get out some of my fears. My blog is where I can openly express myself and by writing it all out and getting out all my fears has helped. I hope that I can put them to rest. I think I will do that when I get the acceptance letter.

So, until then, I wait and pray that we'll be ok.  My application will be sent in and complete by the end of the week. The first part of this journey will begin and hopefully my life can go the route it was supposed to.