Choices

I have lots of things to update on but the biggest is what we decided about school. It was something I was really excited about and it sounded perfect.

Until reality hit. Before I go into the whys and whats, I'll tell you it's not off the table. It's just not on the table this year. Here is why.

1.  We've been working really hard to pay off debt, as in a we could be practically debt free within a time that is in our see-able future. While the end result of going back and finishing my masters, it would mean we would most likely add more debt. This is something that is extremely important to me because as a child, I watched my parents struggle and if I have to sacrifice for now, it's fine with me. 
2. Speaking of the future, I will be considered 'tenure' or vested in January as some companies call it but basically I'm guaranteed a pension when I retire. 
3. Changes at work. They are throwing around the idea of us working from home. It's just an idea right now but it would alleviate all the issues I have with my job right now. When I was on maternity leave last year, we moved locations which changed my commute from 12 miles to 36 miles one way. While this would leave other things to figure out (like how to work with a toddler at home, lol) it is something that would be fantastic in so many ways. I could potentially save 10 hours a week of travel time. My hours could be more flexible too. (I think I posted a while back that i was trying to cut my hours but they no longer will let anyone do that. Then,  I considered 4 10 hour days but with travel time, it would be 4 12's which might be too much for me but I'm actually considering it again and would be able to do it if our office was closer!)
4. My last reason is what resonates with me the most right now. I've had many things happen within the past few months that really showed me I'm where I'm supposed to be. It might not be what I want right now but I'm a firm believer in that things happen for a reason. I'm good at what I do and I really do like my job but just not the paperwork and politics that come along with it. 

Add those all up, it was clear to me that I had to stay for a little while longer. Some days, I regret my decision especially those when I'm stressed out or miss Brady. Sometimes, I feel like a bad mom for choosing a decision that while best for his future, takes time away from him now.  Then, I have to remind myself, I'm being a bit selfish and him being at home with me is not necessarily the best for him. He is very social and very much a people person. He loves his momma but he also loves the ones he spends his time away from me with (grandma, Nana, our sitter he calls-mimi!) He know understands when I tell him if Grandma is coming to play with him or if he's going to Nana's. One day last week, he wanted to watch out the window for 'Mimi!" It's times like that make me confident in my decision.

I think that as a mom, I sometimes find myself rethinking my decisions even when I know it is the best choice. That little  mommy voice inside me always makes my decisions based on what is best for Brady and that does not always mean it is what I want. As a mom, I have to be selfless in the respect and that can be hard. It doesn't mean that I have to give up who I am or what I want out of life but it might mean I have to do it in a different order than I wanted to.

Sometimes something that tells me that I'm doing okay, that I am making all the right choices. It might be a little moment in time, a feeling, or that look in your child's eye but regardless of the form, it's always welcomed. It's always right.