It creeps up when you least expect it. I've talked about it before and no matter who are you and what you do on a daily basis, mommy guilt can get you.
I've talked about how it's hard for me to balance my life with motherhood: work, sleep, socialization, Brady, the house, my husband. I feel like I am constantly juggling. I have been at the working mom thing for over a year now and it's gotten easier now that we are sleeping at night but there is that constant twinge in the back of my mind. It gets especially loud and apparent this time of year. The weather is beautiful and work gets insane. I should be out a the park playing with my son. I should be taking him on play dates and teaching him all the good things in life. Instead, I am working on a budget and calming a mom who feels lost. Most of the time, the parts about my job make me a better mom. I see the struggles parents go through and no matter our child's abilities, we all struggle the same. It is the good days in my job that I find peace with it and I think working with other parents helps.
Then, all hell breaks loose. The past two weeks have been nothing short of hell for me, just some work stress and too many days that I had to work late. Those days are hard. I get home, see the things that I usually do with him are already done. I get a few kisses in before bed and I see him for a few moments the next morning before starting my day all over.
As I am always honest here, I think most moms who work, can tell you this is the part we struggle with most. At the end of the day, we are tired and we still need our own time to wind down and get ready for the craziness the next day has in store but we only have so much time with our babies and at the end of it all, they come first. There are days when I come home and want nothing more to just veg out on the couch but my kid needs to eat and get bathed. That is where the guilt comes in. It's very much routine and sometimes i feel like our time is not 'quality.' Our time is precious and when I"m not fully in it, it makes my heart hurt.
I'm not sure where this post is going except to tell other mom's that sometimes we do have to come first. It's incredibly hard to do but at the same time, we have to be our best to give them the best. It's something I know most moms struggle with and I find a hard time making peace with it. (I'm reading a book right now and have another lined up and I"ll share more about them later but they talk a lot about this.)
A friend of mine made a point the other day that stuck with me. 'My mom worked full time when I was growing up and we had a good relationship and I was understanding of it. I keep reminding myself of that.'
She's right. My mom worked most of my life and I'm ok. I just have to remind myself of that when that damn G word strikes again. I need a cheat sheet to get me through motherhood. I think this might be another mantra I add to my list.
He won't rememember how my working impacted his life, he will remember how I impacted his life and that is so much more important.