Saturday, October 23, 2010

Choosing joy

I've thought about this a lot lately. Thought about how I could even wrap my head around it and how it could possibly be put into words. I can but it won't do it justice or even close to what is inside my heart or my head.

I'm a mom and how can I start to explain what that means?

It means I get to laugh everyday. I get to look at life in a different perspective. I look at him and find peace and comfort. I get to feel a higher presence. I get to feel so damn blessed. I feel a love so strong my eyes fill with tears. I get to watch him blossom into the person he is becoming and think about what he'll become. I get to feel his tears, his happiness and his love.

In four days, our first year of parenting will go into the second. I go back to the day he was born. I remember that morning after he was born vividly and woke up with excitement in my smile and it was immediately turned to worry inside my tears. That is how I can best describe the emotional side of being a mom. You are constantly filled with love, excitement, joy all of those wonderful emotions but a the same time filled with worry, fear, and guilt. It's not perfect and it's not all wonderful. There are times when you question everything or want to scream or cry. There are moments when you are not sure if you'll get through.

Sometimes at work, I'll think about him and my heart just over pours and I miss him so much. I can't wait to get home and hear him laugh or see that big dimply smile. There are times when he doesn't feel good that I want to take it all away and comfort him but there are also times when he's acting like a stinker that I claim he's his father's son.

It's not easy but it's not supposed to be. You are given this amazing blessing and you have to earn all of the joys that come with it.

I look at the person I was before him and I thought I knew who I was. I am still that person but I are more complete. I feel like this was who I was meant to be. It sounds so cliche but I feel like this is what my life was meant for.

When I was pregnant, I thought I knew what it was like to be a parent. I grew up the older of all of my cousins, babysat and was a nanny for five children. I've always heard people say that it's different when it's your own child. It's the truest words anyone spoke.

I've held babies before but that first moment that I held Brady and he looked up at me, it was special. It might not have been how I planned it and it was  physically difficult to hold him with all those wires but I wouldn't trade that moment for the world. I put him on my chest and with tears in my eyes, I said, 'Hi, I'm your mommy!' Thinking about it now, I remember it like it was yesterday and I still get choked up.

Our beginning was rough and with it I brought a lot of guilt. A year later, I can tell you I am at peace with it all. When I was in the hospital after the complications with my c-section, I was so upset and bitter that I had to leave my 12 day old baby. It didn't help to hear about moms who were practically up and running a week after giving birth. I worried about bonding and all kinds of odd thoughts went through my head. Now, I can tell you that it did nothing but strengthen our bond. Our bond is unbreakable.

We had waited nine months to finally meet. To touch and to embrace. When we did, it was nothing short of magical.

He looked at me like he had been waiting for me. Sometimes, he gives me that same look and it brings me full circle.

Things may not have gone the way I planned but this was the way it was supposed to go. Without all the hardships, pain, and suffering we encountered over the course of the past year, I wouldn't be the mTother I am today. I see a little bit of Matt and both of my grandmother's in him. (one of whom he shares a birthday with.) I wouldn't know to hold him closer and to count every second.

Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy. - Joseph Campbell

Last night, I held my son while he fell asleep.  I watched his breath rise and kissed him. The little moments. It is the little moments in the definition of  'mom'. We sat there with my arms intertwined with his body and our breaths in sync. I held him close to me and whispered, 'Hi, I'm your mommy!' and he curled his body closer to mine.

I looked at my son and I choose to live in joy.

 As we celebrate his birthday next week, we will celebrate his birth and his life. We will remember all of the sorrows too for they shaped all of us.


Mrs. Dirnberger said...

tears tears!!! beautiful!!I hoping you are saving these for him :)

Julia said...

such a beautiful post, Amy. Very well said. Absolutely indescribable joy and yet the hardest thing ever. Happy early birthday, Brady!

Katie said...

Beautiful Amy! Happy 1st Birthday Brady! You have a wonderful mama!!

Stuff Parents Need said...

Well said! I love that idea that you have to earn all those joys that come with parenting. That helps me think about the tough times in a different way.