Thursday, April 22, 2010

Those thoughts in the back of my mind

If you have read this blog for a while, you know that Brady's birth wasn't ideal, nor was the recovery. I think about it a lot, and wonder if I will ever be ready to have another?

Let me add this disclaimer by saying no, I am not pregnant, I do not plan on it soon, it's just something that I think about a lot. Brady is getting older, and I know that I wanted my kids about 2 years apart. So, the time will come when I will want another but I have this voice in the back of my head that tell me 'no way in hell will you put me through that again.'

There are a few things I know that we most likely will not have to face again. Brady's pnuemothorax (hole in his lung) was an odd circumstance, and most likely, we will not have to go through that again. The cord being wrapped around his neck? Maybe. Maybe not.

Then, there is that part about how I felt being cut into.

THAT part sucked, and why I was so out of it after his birth (you know since they told Blake they gave me the strongest pain med they had.) Knowing my history that this happened before, hopefully they can plan ahead and go a different route with medications or there is something else that we can do differently (that is if I don't get my VBAC I really want.) I know this is something we can possibly control.

The whole VBAC thing. Do I dare try? I know how disappointed if the end result if another c-section and who knows I may not even be a good candidate taking into consideration all the scar tissue I probably have from 'the complication.'

The complication or as the medical people call it-the hematoma.

My dr. said it most likely will happen again. How do I deal with something like that with a newborn, AND wild man Brady running around?

Most people go into a pregnancy excited, and joyous, but will I be able to enjoy it? Will I worry about these things the entire time?

I guess it is one of those things that we have to wait and see. Until I am ready to even think about all of this, I guess it will be one of those things in the back of my mind.

What is the point of this post? I have no idea other than to just get it out. When I was pregnant with Brady, I worried about everything, so I know about the worry. The next time I will know more, and have more to fear. Sometimes knowledge can be a bad thing.


Julia said...

Fear of the unknown is scary, but KNOWING exactly how painful labor can be is even worse. I'm more afraid for #2 than I was for Truman! Hang in there, sister. It will all work out.

Angie said...

aw I'm sorry that you are scared. I totally empathize with you and feel bad that your experience was less than ideal. It really sucks when stuff like that happens. If I was in your position I guess I would get prego again because I would want (and do want) another child and I guess I would just hope and pray that things go better the second time around.

Anonymous said...

I guess my perspective is a little bit different - my birth was really scary for me and there are parts of it that I don't like to think about (specifically, the fact that Isaac was brought to my room 3 hours after I had him. That makes my heart ache to think about.). But that makes me want another one because it's like I'll get a second chance, ya know? I feel like a good birth experience is every woman's right and next time, I'll be more demanding about it.

Regarding the VBAC - I really hope that's a reality for you Amy!

Anonymous said...

It's hard when our plans don't go our way (I had a c-section too + major complications, we are so similar!) and then didn't get to see my little guy for 15 hours! It was a brutal wait and such a difficult time, but in the end, we have healthy babies, and we are healthy ourselves and able to take care of them, yay! I think you're an excellent mom and you'll be able to handle whatever comes your way when you get to Baby # 2 :) As for us, well, the hubs has already had "the snip snip" when our guy was 3 months old. We've always wanted just one, and now that he is here, I really feel complete as a family unit. So I guess I won't be trying again, but if we did, I too would want to try for a VBAC. Good luck!! :)

Lisa said...

Sometimes its nice to just "put it out there" and help gather your thoughts...My feelings are you have plenty of time to think about this. Who knows maybe your original plan of having them 2 years apart may change- and thats okay too! The unknown is always scary, but in the end it is almost never is what you imagined it would be, so keep that in mind!

Karen said...

DH and I were just having this conversation tonight -- weather a new pregnancy would be an exciting thing for us or not, considering what we know now. I'm hoping we'll both be able to have an enjoyable experience next time around.

Maria said...

I haven't even had our first little one yet, and I'm scared. I think too much knowledge can indeed be a bad thing in some cases.

Katie said...

Thank you for sharing Amy! I also felt the same way after having Juan. I was scared to death about Joaquin's birth and it was so much better. It actually trumped most of the bad thoughts I had about Juan's birth and now I don't feel so bad. It's pretty strange, but please don't let those feelings prevent you from having another. The second birth may actually make you feel better about the first. Good luck.

sanjeet said...

I think too much knowledge can indeed be a bad thing in some cases.
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