What makes me happy

I never thought that as a mom, I would find myself so changed. Not only by the lack of sleep, but I never thought that the littlest things would make me so happy. That the little things would sail us through the hardest times.

• The sound of his voice coming across the monitor when he wakes up. He lays in his crib and 'talks' each morning until I go to get him. It is the best alarm clock I have found, and makes me wake up with a smile.
• The sound of Brady giggling is music to my ears, and never fails to put a smile on my face.
• The look on his face when he is discovering something new. This is the only time in his life when everything is new.
• The look he gives his Daddy melts my heart.
• The look on his face when I pick him up out of his crib. He gets the biggest smile on his face, and wraps his little arms around my neck, and nuzzles his head into me. I call it a baby hug.
• When he puts his face up to mine, and tries to give me open mouthed, slobbery baby kisses.
• The feeling you get when you look at your son and you know he is so innocent, and knows no pain or sadness

There is so much I never thought I would experience as a mother.

• Never could imagine that the massive amounts of puke could keep coming out of his mouth! I had no clue that puke could travel so far.........
• Sticking your hand inside the diaper to check it is a big mistake.
• You really do think your kid is the cutest thing on earth.
• You get excited for each milestone but find yourself saddened that they are growing so fast. I can't wait for the day he tells me he loves me, and wraps his little arms around me, but I want to keep him small forever!
• I never thought my instinct would be so great. I want to protect him from all the bad things, and show him all the good things. I want him to never know pain or sadness. I want him to be forever protected by the innocence of childhood.
• I never imagined I would love another so much and to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. Sometimes, I feel like my heart is going to burst and that there is no way I could love him more but each day I surprise myself to find that I love him even more.
• That I love being a mom more than anything else.

This is the last day of this month. I am glad that it is over because it has been a rough month, but to know that he is another month older, makes me sad. This month has taught me so much, but more than anything I have learned how much I love being a mom.

How much my child has changed me.

How much love and happiness he brings to others.

How much laughter he brings into our lives.

He had made me a better person, and I am forever grateful for that. I might be a bit more sappy, or shed more happy tears, but I am forever changed. It really is true when they say that child changes everything, and he is by far the greatest gift I have received. I thank God everyday for this gift. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and I hope that all those who desire this kind of love will be granted with this kind of blessing.

5 months

Dear Brady,



I can't believe you are already 5 months old. I say that each month, though! You are almost half a year old! You have given Mommy and Daddy so much to look forward to, and given us so much to laugh about when we needed to most. You have been so much fun even though you do not care much for sleep! You continue to surprise us everyday with what you do, and you amaze us with your strong will!

You make the funniest expressions, and we think you get that from your mommy!

You laugh is infectious, and your smile warms our soul. You give Mommy and Daddy so much than you know.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING goes right into your mouth. Your fingers are your favorite and most accessible chew toy. The drool that comes out of your mouth surprises me!!

I told you everything goes into your mouth! You loves to roll side to side, and you have started to grab your feet. Mommy thinks it's the cutest thing ever. You also like to roll to your side to sleep, when you decide that you decide you want to sleep. Mommy can't wait for the day you sleep through the night (Hint, hint!!)

(Like father, like son, huh?)

You are so active. You can even sit up by yourself for a tiny bit of time. Mommy is already gathering a list of what needs to be baby proofed!

You have had an exciting month. Trips to the park. First swing rides. First taste of REAL food. You will have so many more firsts, and we are so excited to share them with you.

We have lots of nicknames for you. Brady Boo, Boo boo, chunk (sorry babe) poptart, buddy, bubby. I think we rarely call you by your name.

You are starting to really connect with others. You look at me so intently, like you are soaking it all in. You grab my face, and lean in like you are trying to kiss me. Instead, I get a face full of slobber as your try to suck my face. Mommy knows you are just giving her your version of a kiss.

You love your excersaucer. You laugh so hard, and stand so tall in it. You also started blowing raspberries, and each morning you wake me up with them, (and your sweet voice.) You also think it's pretty funny to do it when you are eating your cereal. Mommy does not.

You love to sing, and to scream! Your giggle makes mommy smile.

You are so sweet but yet so full of spirit, little one. We love you bubby.

Grandma Lolita

Grandma finally fought until she could not any longer. She passed away last Friday, quietly with her children by her sides. While we expected this, it's never makes it easier. It does make it easier to know she is in a good place, no longer sick, and back to herself again.

I love this picture (though it's hard to see) They got married when they were just kids. I think she was 15. She had my mom at 17. She had 6 kids, and loved them deeply. She was so proud of them. I don't think I understood her love for them until I became a mom myself. I know that love, and I never doubted it. Her 16 grandkids too, and her 3 great grandchildren too (and one on the way.)

A week before she died, I took Brady to see her, and she immediately perked up. Her face lite up. I am so grateful she got to meet my son.

Today, we said good-bye, and shared memories.

It has been a rough month. Tomorrow marks two occasions. My son turns five months old, and tomorrow marks a month without Matt. I think about them both everyday.

I envision them meeting up there, and sharing a smoke together. Maybe he'd get her diet soda that she loved so much. I sure hope so.

The Scary Bag

Somehow we find this halarious. My son is terrified of a plastic bag!

MOV003.MOD

Brady talking, dancing and just being silly!

First of Firsts

I got some disheartening news today about my grandma, and we should expect another funeral soon. It's been expected, but still sucks. I pray that we do not have to attend another damn funeral for a long damn time.

So, to lighten the mood around here, I am going to exhibit excessive amounts of pictures of my chunk.

This is one of his favorite toys right now. It's a soft book, and he actually will look at it, but mostly it goes right into his fat little cheeks!

Apparently, book reading is exhausting. I left and came back to this. Adorable little sight. A bit frightening but adorable. Saturday was my birthday, so we indulged Brady in his first trip to the park. He had a blast. He rode in a swing for the first time and LOVED it. Each time he went in the air, he laughed. My heart smiled big for the few hours we were there. Quite therapeutic.

This park has a little zoo there and we had to get his picture here. (Notice the lovely bib he must tote around. Thanks, reflux for the lovely accessory)
He spent most of the time like this. Yummy hand. (Notice the scratches from his dagger like fingernails)

Exhausted. Parks are tiring.

The next are my favorites. You can see the dimple and his big blues.

Another first. Solids. His ped and GI both thought solids would help the reflux and it has. Not 100% but a bit better. We still have massive amounts of puke, but not all the time. If you are grossed out easily, do not read the next sentence but it was so bad that when he burps, the dog comes running. Then, when he doesn't spit up, she walks away disappointed. Gross. I know.

He loves sitting in his high chair. I have actually caught him watching TV in it. Sneaky little guy. We started with cereal but he is not a big fan of the rice, so we tried oatmeal. Eh. We tried mixing it with veggies and he says, "Yummy!" We have tried carrots, green beans, and apples. He favors the veggies over the fruits. Good boy!

Warning: The next picture depicts a baby with food on his mouth. Now, he is generally clean eater some of the time but this time he shoved his hand in the bowl when I walked away to try to grab it (like he does everything now) and decided he wanted to chew on his hand (another fav past time) . This was the end result.

First time I walked away and came back to a sleeping baby. (on his play mat)

Ok, and I had to put this out there. This was the ugliest, most pitiful creature ever. He was so fat he could barely walk and I swear his hissed at me (he kept showing me his teeth) so I had to take a picture.

A ray of light in the dark

I have tried to write something so many times but what do you say? Our friend died and it sucks? That was all I could get out. We keep expecting him to walk in the door or hear his laugh.

To say last week was hard is a big, fat, giant understatement. The amount of people that showed up for the wake was amazing. The line wrapped around the building for the entire night. Friends from grade school who haven't seen him in years, coworkers who called him a friend, and those who loved him most. That right there shows you the kind of effect he had on people.

Almost every single person talked about his infectious smile.

He had so many people that loved him. His parents, siblings, nieces, nephews.

His fiance.

His friends.

He has had the same friends since he was a kid. Blake and him met in kindergarten, and stayed friends throughout everything. He met many of his friends in high school, and throughout everything, they all remained friends. That doesn't happen often. They were blessed with that kind of friendship.

It is hard to lose someone, and it is even harder to see the ones you love most grieve, and we all do it differently. You really don't know what to do. You feel helpless, and it sucks. All you can do is be there. Cry with them. Laugh about the good times.

The other day, I saw a car weave in and out of traffic recklessly. I wanted to catch up to them and yell at them, tell them to slow down. It's not that important. Life is precious.

If we have learned anything this past week, it's to hold those you love just a bit closer. Never forget to say I love you. See each other often. Never take anything for granted.

Let me tell you, that I held that little baby close before, but now I barely want to let him go. The day that we found out, he was full of smiles and giggles all day even though he didn't nap with everything going on. All day, he was smiling for us when we cried. It was like he knew.

The day of the wake, I went to lie down with him to take his morning nap. I was dreading what lie ahead. I laid down with him, and he promptly put his tiny little hand on my cheek, and fell asleep.

He is a ray of light in our life. We are blessed in so many ways.

The road ahead is not going to be easy. We lost a friend. My husband lost his best friend. Our friend lost her fiance.

We will always look for him, listen for his laugh, and we will always miss him.