Treading water

I have written this post several times but I never posted it because I felt like I was just whining and I don't want to come across that way but I feel as though I am treading water. I have been in much higher spirits lately but I still have times when I just want to scream or cry or go shopping.

I think the part that is hardest is that I am not able to supply him with what he wants. With all that is going on with my body, my milk supply has not increased to where it needs to be. I feel like my body has failed me. That it has failed him. The daily dressing changes, all the pain, and lack of healing--all that I can handle....it is my body not providing my baby with what he needs that gets me the most. I pump almost every two hours and i feel like it is a lost cause. I am providing him with some breast milk but most of what he is getting is formula and I feel so guilty. I never even looked at formula or researched it because I didn't think I would need it. This is one area I thought I had covered. Boy was I wrong! I know I can't help what my body can and can't do but I am trying to come to terms with it all, it is just hard.

I had an appt with my OB Monday and the nurse practitioner changed the dressing. She told me she had a hematoma when she had her tummy tuck and hers never opened, and needed to be drained. She had to do that for six months. I choked back tears as she told me that mine should heal in a few weeks. WEEKS? The nurse that comes by everyday told me the same thing.

She said there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to see it, but it's really hard to. She left and I started bawling. I am trying to embrace it and accept it all but like I said what is hardest is knowing that my body isn't doing what I need it to do.

We are very lucky though because things could always be worse. We have amazing friends and family that come to visit, bring us yummy things to eat, or just spend time with us and the little man. Little things go a long way! I have a lot to be thankful for and I don't want to forget that or sound like Debbie Downer. Life does not always happen as planned, and unexpected hurdles come up. We have to deal with them, and decide if we want them to bring us down further or lift us up. I have a beautiful baby, and an amazing husband. It is that what makes me want to chose the latter.....and in that light.....here is what makes my day brighter.

My sleeping man.....always has his hands up by his face.

This pic cracks me up. He looks like he is mad, and he always tries to hold his own pacifier. He is a strong little baby and people are surprised by his head control.

This is Lily being his protector. She follows us everywhere we go (as does Piper, but she runs away when he cries!) Last week, Brady was sleeping in the pack n play and I was in the kitchen. He started crying and she runs into the kitchen and stares at me with her tail wagging like she was trying to tell me he was crying!