First Turkey Day

Turkey Day was busy! We go to my dad's side and blake's fams so needless to say it was a busy day! Brady slept right through it except for when it was time to eat dinner, lol! My nephew met Brady for the first time and I think him and Brandon will be good friends.

He was so excited to hold him and feed him.....
and.....a little late here are a few pics of Brady at 1 month

I have more pictures coming of his newborn pics, and his room! Things have been a bit crazy and I lack the time I used to have. I wonder why, lol!

One month.

I have good news! For one, Brady is nursing really well! I can't believe it but somehow something clicked with him and he latches like a champ! He was doing an amazing job at it for about a week and hardly supplementing at all until this week when his appetite seemed to have doubled, lol. It is so much easier than fighting to feed him, or feeding him formula and then pumping. The past few days though he has been getting more formula and I'm ok with it! I know we have worked hard at this so I'm really ok with where we are now. I plan on making some lactation cookies tomorrow (granted this lil man cooperates), which may or may not help but any excuse to eat cookies!

I had a dr appt today and the opening of where the hematoma was 10 cm deep and now it is less than 2 so we are healing. She thinks that next week I won't need the nurse to come anymore! I am so flipping exciting about this I could do a little jig! I am ready to have my life back, and start getting active again! I am ready to exercise again!

and....it only took 3 weeks but I finally got my wedding ring off!! I also was able to wear real shoes again! I haven't tried anything other than my tennis shoes but it was nice to wear something else other than flip flops.


So, it's been a good week. Last week marks half-way into my maternity leave so I am ready to enjoy it fully! Right now my excitement of the day is getting the mail.....

Today, marks 1 month! I cannot believe how fast these weeks are going and it makes me sad to know that within a month or so I will be back at work. We still don't have daycare figured out 100% and I really don't know how well I will handle doing back to work! :( We are moving to a new building that is WAY further (think 30+ miles one damn way with bad traffic) I don't even wanna think about it.....

Anyway, he had his 1 month checkup today and my little porker has gained 2 pounds since birth. He now weighs 9 lbs 7 1/2 ounces. Piggy :) He also grew 2 inches! I have a feeling we are going to have a chunky man on our hands! (Blake was a VERY chubby baby, and had rolls on his rolls, lol)

I will post pics soon! Especially since he is now 1 month old! He is starting to stay awake more often and look around....and he loves to look at his mommy and daddy! :)

Things I have learned....

Here are some things that I wish I knew or have learned so far....

• You might feel some instinct on how to care for your new baby, but sometimes dads need a little guidance (esp. if they haven't been around a baby, like ever!) You can't just assume they know what to do! Taking a class helps but they might not remember everything in the moment. Give them time to learn!
• Using a breast pump does weird things to your nipples.
• Breastfeeding isn't as awkward/weird as you thought it would be.
• Lanolin can stain your clothes.
• You might find yourself excited over the amount you pump......
• Any shyness/modesty goes out the window during childbirth. You won't care who sees your lady parts when you need help getting out of bed after a c-section to use the bathroom.
• People will ask about your boobs like they are a foreign object and not a personal part of your body.
• Even if you didn't quite enjoy pregnancy like you thought you would, you might actually miss being pregnant after it is all over.
• Even with all the complications, pain, and tribulations you endured with the birth of your baby, you can't wait to do it all over again!
• I never knew that staring at your baby could be the best entertainment and you never tire of it.
• Always keep their goods covered when changing diapers. You will regret it if you don't
• I was worried about caring for his circumcision and belly button before he came, but once he was here, it was no biggie.
• Caring for him period seems like 2nd nature.
• Your emotions post partum might make you feel like you are a bit crazy, but they do settle down. I think I cried more tears the first week literally over nothing, than I did the whole pregnancy.
• Leaving your baby for the first time is hard, but when you see him again, you wonder why you worried so much.
• You really do know your baby best. You learn what every cry, wince, or grunt means without even knowing it.
• 8 lbs of baby=more laundry than you could imagine. Who knew such a tiny body can cause so much destruction to you house. I run the dishwasher more often, and our trash overflows more quickly. All because of a tiny little body....
• Babies really do just eat, sleep, pee and poop.
• Speaking of bodily functions, little 8 pounds of baby can really pass some gas, and clear a room!
• Those stretch marks you developed last minute, are not as bad as you thought they were when you remember why you have them.
• Your body does bounce back but not immediately. My maternity clothes are huge on me, but I am not quite ready for my pre-prego pants. I about 11 more pounds to lose from the pregnancy, and hope to loose more than that (I gained weight pre-prego bc of my car accident)
• BUT at the same time, I feel more confident knowing what my body is capable of and seeing how it can bounce back after what it has gone through (aka=healing!!)
• Breastfeeding is more difficult than I ever imagined, and may not always happen the way you expected. While he latched on immediately, we struggle with supply issues and have to supplement with formula. I still pump, and while I don't get a lot that way, I feel good giving him every little drop. Things are improving on this front, but it is way harder than I expected and I refuse to give up yet.
• The love you have for you own child is truly unconditional, immense and wonderful. You may only have had this little being in your life for 3 weeks and you cannot imagine you life without him......

Progression is the new trend!

Thank you all for the encouragement and wonderful comments. It all really helps and the encouragement goes a long way. I hate being so negative but there is only so much a girl can take! I am doing much better and it seems that I am making progress!

The nurse came today said that she is almost sure that the hematoma is shrinking, which is good news! She comes in the AM to repack the area, and Blake has been trying to do it in the PM. This has been a new adventure in our marriage to say the least. I mean what husband gets to shove packing materials into an open hole in his wife's body and does it without complaining? The first time was a bit rough, and it's been hard for him to get the packing material into the hole but I am so proud of him for doing this...I don't know if I could do it in return. The fact that he even attempts is amazing to me! It's not our favorite thing to do but knowing I can heal quicker is the best incentive.

I go back to the dr. today, and I hope she agrees that it is healing. Knowing I am making progress is music to my ears and gives me hope that things will be okay soon!

Another good thing happened is that I was able to nurse Brady today! I don't know what I did differently but he nursed for a long time and I screamed for Blake to come see. He thought we were hurt or something because I was yelling so loudly for him to come! Hopefully, this is a new trend that stays. Maybe my body really is staring to heal....or maybe this was a fluke but either way it made my day.

We also took Brady out on his first outing this weekend. It was my in laws 44th anniversary so we went out to a laid back dinner. He slept the entire time so needless to say, he behaved well! :) It was good to get out even if it was only for a few hours! He had his first real bath last week too, and his little belly button finally fell off. I can't believe my baby is already 3 weeks old, and I have been on maternity leave going on my 4th week. It is half-way over and that makes me sad. I don't want it ever to end!!!!

Treading water

I have written this post several times but I never posted it because I felt like I was just whining and I don't want to come across that way but I feel as though I am treading water. I have been in much higher spirits lately but I still have times when I just want to scream or cry or go shopping.

I think the part that is hardest is that I am not able to supply him with what he wants. With all that is going on with my body, my milk supply has not increased to where it needs to be. I feel like my body has failed me. That it has failed him. The daily dressing changes, all the pain, and lack of healing--all that I can handle....it is my body not providing my baby with what he needs that gets me the most. I pump almost every two hours and i feel like it is a lost cause. I am providing him with some breast milk but most of what he is getting is formula and I feel so guilty. I never even looked at formula or researched it because I didn't think I would need it. This is one area I thought I had covered. Boy was I wrong! I know I can't help what my body can and can't do but I am trying to come to terms with it all, it is just hard.

I had an appt with my OB Monday and the nurse practitioner changed the dressing. She told me she had a hematoma when she had her tummy tuck and hers never opened, and needed to be drained. She had to do that for six months. I choked back tears as she told me that mine should heal in a few weeks. WEEKS? The nurse that comes by everyday told me the same thing.

She said there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to see it, but it's really hard to. She left and I started bawling. I am trying to embrace it and accept it all but like I said what is hardest is knowing that my body isn't doing what I need it to do.

We are very lucky though because things could always be worse. We have amazing friends and family that come to visit, bring us yummy things to eat, or just spend time with us and the little man. Little things go a long way! I have a lot to be thankful for and I don't want to forget that or sound like Debbie Downer. Life does not always happen as planned, and unexpected hurdles come up. We have to deal with them, and decide if we want them to bring us down further or lift us up. I have a beautiful baby, and an amazing husband. It is that what makes me want to chose the latter.....and in that light.....here is what makes my day brighter.

My sleeping man.....always has his hands up by his face.

This pic cracks me up. He looks like he is mad, and he always tries to hold his own pacifier. He is a strong little baby and people are surprised by his head control.

This is Lily being his protector. She follows us everywhere we go (as does Piper, but she runs away when he cries!) Last week, Brady was sleeping in the pack n play and I was in the kitchen. He started crying and she runs into the kitchen and stares at me with her tail wagging like she was trying to tell me he was crying!

Scary (part two.)...2nd time a charm?

I woke up this morning at 4 am (when I should be feeding my baby), and it was happening again. We decided to change the dressing and look at it in the morning. It looked like it was going to be okay so we got ready to pick up Brady when it started gushing again. As it did, so did the tears. I was so disappointed, so frustrated, and just everything all rolled into one. I was so excited to see my baby but I felt robbed...and my heart sank. I started sobbing harder. I think I cried the whole way to the hospital. My poor husband, he deserves a medal for all that he has done for me lately.....

We headed out to the ER for the 2nd time in less than 24 hours. I still had tape marks and bruises from them trying 4x's on my right arm to get an IV started (They joked that all the blood came out my belly that they couldn't get any from my arms but they eventually got it on the left hand..).....I shouldn't be back. I should NOT be here.

We wait for what seems like forever in the room when they tell me my OB is coming after she delivers a baby at the hospital across the street. I feel a bit relieved knowing she will be there and the one helping me. Then part of me panics....praying I didn't need the whole thing opened up again. Surgery=hospital stay. Hospital stay=no Brady.

We got there around quarter till 11 am and my ob came to see my an hour later. She opened up the hole a bit more to see if I was bleeding from a vein, or whatnot or if it was still the hematoma. Luckily, she said it's fluid mixed with blood but that meant she had to repack it, and that hurts like hell. Imagine someone shoving dressing into a hole in your belly. Yes, that is what she did and yes, it freaking hurts.

We then learn that the ER Dr's were not comfortable handling this issue. They didn't know what to do...stitch me, leave me open? Thank god she was available. She even gave us her number if we needed to contact her or I got freaked out. I will most likely keep bleeding until all the fluid is out that needs to come out. I get to walk around with gauze and maxi pads stuck to my belly. SEXY!

I go back to her office in the AM to get it repacked, and then will send a home nurse to my house everyday until it is better. Which means I am stuck in the house AGAIN.

I am getting stir crazy. I am frustrated. At this point, I am so relieved to know that it's nothing else or that I don't need another surgery but this is not how I expected to spend my first few weeks with my new baby. I am trying to be positive, I am trying to be thankful or at least somewhat upbeat right now but I am at a breaking point. It's just not fair. It's just not fair.

I deserve a fregging drink....or ten!

After we left the hospital we ran to get a prescription filled and some groceries, we went to pick up Brady. Blake's family was all there and he was getting lots of love. Everyone has wonderful and amazing through all of this, I am thankful for all those in my life for sure! I ran over and picked him up, and he opened his eyes and just stared at me. I swore he smiled (he was probably just gagging from all the kisses I gave him!) I held him for a long time and just cuddled with him when I got home and it was then that I felt thankful. That I thanked god. I will recover, and I will always have my sweet baby, I'm just taking a longer road to get there.

Tomorrow morning and each day they poke my open wound, I will have to remind myself that. Luckily, he won't be far from me so it should not be too hard.

Scary.

It was a bit of a scary day today! Luckily, the baby is just fine. I was feeding him this morning when i got up and felt something wet. I looked down and my incision was bleeding. Then, it started gushing. Called my OB who told me to put a pad on it and call her back in a bit to see how much it was bleeding.

Turns out it started gushing everywhere. I mean crime scene kind of everywhere. We were in a panic because we didn't want to take the baby into the ER with all the sick people but no one lived close enough to get to us right away. On the way, we called Blake's mom who met us there and took him home.

Turns out I had a hematoma. It basically is a pocket of fluid that can build up and it needs to come out. Talk about not so much fun when they are poking and prodding in my incision. Meanwhile, i hear them say they haven't seen one this big, and this much blood in one. Awesome. At least, I am one that can surprise even ER docs. The whole time I am worrying about whether or not Brady is ok.

Then, they started talking blood transfusion and I freaked. I was thinking the worst....worrying about my little baby I could see it in Blake's eyes too! My platelet count was low but luckily not low enough to need a transfusion. I don't handle loosing blood well which is why I can't give blood (I pass out every time!) They want your count to be around 12-13 and mine was 8. At 6 they would do an infusion! So, it wasn't good, and not too bad. I was given strict instructions to not do a damn thing, and to see my OB first thing Monday morning!

The worst part is Blake told his mom to keep Brady overnight because he knew even if he took care of him, i would be up wondering if he is ok. I, on the other hand am not handling that very well. I know I need to get better, but to me, it's too soon to be away from him.

The good thing about all of this is I am hoping it is the reason why I am having issues with my milk production. I am producing more than I was previously, but not enough for Brady's big appetite (which means I have to supplement) Most likely, the fluid has been building up or a while and I hope it's the cause of this other issue!!!

Since I have been home, my fever went down (I have had a fever since I got home from hospital, my OB put me on antibiotics but nothing was working), and the swelling went down on my feet. Weird.

I hope I didn't freak anyone else out (i know a lot of you are prego now) but know that my luck is just unlike anyone else, I swear! I am just so frustrated at this point. All I want to do is cuddle with my squishy baby, and be able to feed him what he needs and I can't do either of those at this moment.

What I have learned so far (ramblings of a new mom)

That it is possible to be peed on and pooped on simultaneously.


That anyone and everyone will give you advice on how to raise your child.


That all those fluids you build up during pregnancy have to come out.....(and yes, i might compare it like a fountain.)

You research all your options, and fill your head will so much knowledge about labor and delivery it might explode but when it comes down to it, flexibility is the most important piece you can carry with you.

That same flexibility will carry with you to raising that baby.

Even though things may not have gone the way you wanted, you are grateful for the experience.

That all those months freaking out about this and that and you instantly have this natural instinct on what to do.


the things you thought were easy, are harder than you thought.


your husband never looked sexier holding your child (even though he has not showered in a day or two, lol)


That you will have an immense love for someone else, and you would do anything to protect it.


That your life will NEVER be the same again (in the best way possible.)


As sick as you were, as uncomfortable as you were, and as much pain as you endured, you are so amazed that your body did what it did.


and at the same time wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you....we are HOME!

First, I wanted to say thank you all for the kind wishes and sweet words. It really helped that first day after the surgery when I couldn't see him.

He was able to leave the special care nursery on Thursday. Poor guy has been stuck with so many needles and what not. He did get a little jaundice but luckily it was at an ok level and we were able to go home Friday. The pediatrician today said that when little ones are not feeling well (the hole in his lungs) they can get jaundice easily. We took him to his first pediatrician appointment today and she didn't' seem too concerned. The hospital also referred us to a nurses program to come by and check on him for a few weeks.

Leaving was kind of emotional for me. I was in the car and I couldn't control the tears. I think I was/am so grateful to be able to take him home. Being in that nursery with some very tiny or sick babies is hard, and I am forever grateful that we were released with no issues. Trust me, I am counting my blessings right now as I look over at my sleeping baby.

I was also so grateful for the care I received there. I had one nurse come back to check up on me because she was assigned to someone else the next day. The first day after the surgery my fever got pretty high and she just wanted to see how I was doing. Top notch care for sure!

Having him home is a good feeling. No more needles, no more machines! Being a mom is indescribable. Knowing that he is ours, and the love I feel for him is more than i can put into words.

Blake described it well. When he was sitting there during the c-section, he watched them pull out Brady's head (which I have pics of, if anyone if interested in seeing :) Immediately, he said his world changed. After 9 months, and all the talk/anticipation of his birth, it never really hit him until he saw him. Then, when she pulled the rest of him out with the cord around his neck, and the breathing issues really freaked him out especially when I wasn't doing so well at the time either. It was scary but got through it. He is a keeper for sure!

The whole process is amazing, and I cannot believe that this little man was inside my belly! While my delivery was far from what I expected, and breastfeeding is way more difficult than I imagined, it is all so worth it. I am a bit bummed that I was so out of it that first night, and couldn't be with him, but then again, I look at him and thank god we are all okay.

The first few days home I did not want to put him down, or be away from him but we are slowly adjusting to our new life and my world has changed too!

Now, time to snuggle with Brady!