Do you ever feel like your life is changing and you have no control over it? It's really how I have felt lately, and the only way i know how to explain it. The more and more I have thought about it, I think it has been happening for longer than I realized. (Maybe the past year or two) I have grown up which is a normal path of life to take, but after a huge life altering event (our wedding) I have started to examine the relationships in my life. While i feel that some of my friendships have grown and deepened, I feel differently about others.
I'm not a very open person, but over the course of the past few months, I have found my mind wandering a lot about this... more often the past month or so......I started this blog as an outlet to express myself, and maybe learn some things along the way. I'm going to be vague to protect the guilty (and the innocent too, lol?)
I got married six months ago, and feel our relationship has grown. I'm happy in that department :)
But my husband is not the only relationship in my life (no, nothing adulterous here, lol) In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I have felt some fading, some distancing---due to having families of their own, others due to sheer lack of time and energy and others? Well, we just grew apart for no real reason (at least I can pinpoint) or because of several reasons crammed together. I will admit that in some cases I am partly to blame (grad school, work, and wedding planning wasn't helping.) but others--i have a hard time forgiving.
I feel like I was let down. I will admit, I have a hard time trusting (and I forgiving someone whose hurt me several times, its hard to get past that) but at the same time, I am too trusting. (I know, I don't make sense) I think i WANT to see the good in people but have felt let down too many times to completely put myself out there. I can't decide if it's sad or smart.....I have been stomped on many times in the course of my life but as i grow up, i have grown a pair. Though, they are a tiny pair, lol.
A couple weeks ago, I watched 27 dresses. Girl meets boy, boy tells girl she has issues with saying no. Hmmm....sounds familiar. OH! That's because it reminded me of myself. I am too nice, I have had a hard time with conflict, and have a bleeding heart. Sometimes I feel like I give, give and give, and never really get anything in return. At one point, I said I was tired of giving, tired of being the good friend but who does that make me then? Do I want to live my life like that?
As you can see, this part of me is still under construction.
Planning my wedding demonstrated that. There are several things I let go that I shouldn't have because i didn't want to cause conflict or make anyone mad. This was supposed to be a joyous time, instead I felt like a effing referee.
I am working on that, and I'll admit its really been difficult for me. I really miss times of simplicity but life changes, we change. I get that. I guess the point of this post was that i feel too many relationships in my life have changed,and it really saddens me. I know its a part of growing up and moving on, but I look at my husband who has had the same group of friends since he could remember. I will admit, i find myself jealous at times, but at the same time, am happy I left home, and for those i met in college.
I started to think that maybe I was just over analyzing things like i always find myself doing. Add a few cocktails, a few friends, and I learned that maybe I am not alone. It was a good feeling, but at the same time more confusing.
But then I wonder, what do i do? Let them go, or hold on? I guess only time (and my gut feeling) but at least i know that I am not alone in this. that maybe this is (gasp) normal.......