Monday, June 4, 2012

It's about time: An open letter

To the man in line at the store on Friday,
No, I do not in fact have a basketball in there, that would just be weird. Let's see, I'm at the store probably for the same damn reason you are, I needed something. Oh, what will I do if I go into labor right here? Oh, let's see, uh, buy the damn stuff I went to the store for in the first place. It's OK, I'm on the same page as you, I do not want your help delivering this baby either so you're off the hook for that but thanks for the non-offer!
The very pregnant lady in line.
p.s. I really feel sorry for your wife especially since I see that you have two kids of your own so you should know better.
p.s.s. You're really lucky I had my hands full with a package of overnight diapers because if I had something a bit more sturdy, I would have hurled it at your face.

To my coworker,
Why, yes, I'm working up to the end of my pregnancy. Thank you for asking my other coworkers who sit near me what they will do if I go into labor because you know, it's not like I'll be lucid or anything. Plus, you know, the whole 24+ hours I was in labor with Brady? I'm sure I'll just have the baby right here in my cubical. Thanks for the concern and yes, they do know what hospital I plan on going to.
Your coworker.

To my sweet baby boy,
You have a few days left and then you will officially be inside longer than your big brother. I just wanted to let you know that you do have your entire life to one-up Brady so please do not start now. I say this in the most loving and urgent way possible.
Your very eager and uncomfortable momma.

Dear Brady,
First of all, if the sun is not up, that means you are supposed to sleep. 5:15 am is not a proper wake up time. You will have plenty to wake you up here shortly so get the rest while you can. Trust me.
oh, and no, you may not juggle your little brother.
Your mommy

Dear world;
I have two weeks left until my due date. It's a boy. Yes, he has a name. Yes, we are excited and yes, I'm ready. Yes, Brady is excited. Yes, Brady is ready for him to come and no he doesn't want him to sleep in the garage, yet. No, there is just one baby in there. No, I'm not going to have the baby right here. Yes, I'm still pregnant. I mean have any of you ever seen a pregnant woman before?
p.s. Just dont' talk to me. Ok. You're better off.

Dear self;
Oh, Amy, you're almost there. Try to enjoy these last moments and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I know it's not easy and everyone on the world is on your last, struggling nerve right now but just think of the sleep you'll be missing out on soon. Oh wait, you're not sleeping well now are you. Ok, well, never mind. I tried.
Your own attempt at being positive


Mrs. Dirnberger said...

LOVE love love this post!!!

Stuff Parents Need said...

Amen, amen and amen! I pretty much hated everyone in the world during my last few weeks as a pregnant lady. Yes, people acted as though they'd never seen a pregnant lady, and as though labor and delivery was a spontaneous process and that I might just deliver a baby at any given moment. it was bizarre. People seriously freaked out around me...guess they were afraid they were going to have to step in for my OB?