Wednesday, August 29, 2012

How to survive life with two kids.

Do not take both kids car shopping but you will need to go car shopping because to haul two kids and all the crap they need will not fit in your tiny car. The salesman, who at first seemed eager to help will run away seconds after the baby is screaming (in the showroom that echo's!) and the toddler is jumping on the new leather interior.

Don't be surprised if you hear yourself say things like, "don't lay on your brother,' 'your brother is not a trash can,' "we don't lick babies,' or 'your fingers do not belong in his eyes!'

Do not attempt to watch your oldest play on the playground and feed the baby at the same time because you might forget to properly reattach everything and when you later get up and walk around  you'll realize that for a good 10 minutes your boob has been scaring all the kids on the playground.

Grocery store and Target trips become Olympic events. Get in and get out quickly before anybody poops, immediately discovers he is starving or an epic tantrum occurs because you won't buy him a giant bag of Marshmallows or spend 3 hours in the toy aisle.

Speaking of community outings, be prepared for everyone to ogle your cute baby and ask how old he is. Then, once both kids are crying/whining, they look are you with pity/horror/amazement that you were crazy/brave/insane to leave the house with both kids.

Prepare for spend at least 3 hours a day changing diapers. Ok, maybe not THREE hours but the moment on child poops, the other will indeed follow suit and then need a whole outfit change due to said explosive poop.

You must always and I mean, ALWAYS, watch our for eyeballs, noses and open mouths. Toddlers likes to shove fingers, cheese sticks and pacifiers in whatever openings they can find.


The second you finally get the baby to sleep, the older one will seek and destroy. A sleeping baby must always be hidden and the words, 'sleeping baby' are never spoken.

Showers, if they exist must be completed in under 10 minutes as if left alone to their own devices for longer than that, a toddler will indeed draw on the window or decide he wants to hold the baby. You'll get in the shower just in time to wet your hair. Once you are out, you might find that the baby is laying on the floor and you're toddler has a very guilty look on his face because you left the baby in the swing.... asleep.


Food. Since baby eats all the time and you might become a human pacifier, you'll find creative ways to feed yourself. Don't be alarmed if you find a crumb or ten on your baby. It's just the way of life. Then, the one time the baby isn't tied to you and you get to sit down and eat, the baby cries. You come back to find the toddler has eaten your food and left his for you to eat.

Your oldest who was sleeping great will decide he needs to wake up at many times at night. You know because his blankets are 'not right' (MY BLANKIE, MY BLANKIE!) or he decides he is soooo thirsty and only milk will quench his thirst.
So, sleep? Just stock up on lots of coffee. 

Now, you are prepared for life with two kids.

5 comments:

kyna... said...

Oh boy Amy...you're scaring me!! lol
♥ Kyna

Susan said...

LOL You are hilarious!! I love this. Did you really have your boob out at the playground? I have a fear of that happening to me for sure when NIP. LOL

Julia said...

best post ever. SO true and hilarious.

Amber said...

That is hilarious and probably (I say probably because I don't know from personal experience) so true!! :)

Our Little Bubble said...

lol!! and your boys are just precious! and that keurig is my life line :) sleeping a solid 3 hours in a row is about all I'm getting here at our house. it's amazing how you sort of get used to it too.