How do we say good-bye?

I don't have anything whitty or funny to say, or even much to say at all. On Friday, the unimaginable happened. We lost a friend. My husband lost his best friend, his childhood friend. The best man in our wedding.

He was supposed to get married in 72 days.

The church is booked. The engagement pictures taken....the invites and all the details. Our dresses are probably being made as we speak.

My husband was supposed to stand up for him on his wedding day, as he did for ours. Instead, he will be a pallbearer at his funeral.

On Saturday, we were supposed to gather to celebrate their engagement.

Instead, we CRIED so many tears. We still do. We asked so many questions. We kept expecting him to come in the door. We keep hearing his laugh.....

We just saw him the night before.

I wish I would have hugged him but we did laugh. I will always remember him like that. Laughing.

This is going to be a hard week. Please keep his family, his fiance, and his friends in your prayers. His life was just beginning.

Four months

Dear Brady. Happy Four Months little guy! You weight 16 1/2 pounds, and are 26 inches long! (85th percentile for both big guy!) You are doing so many new things, every day I tell your daddy that I can't believe how big you are getting. You love to chew on your hands. They might just be the most interesting thing to you right now.

You also started sucking your thumb. It might just be the cutest thing You like to hold and grab things that come into your view.

and you want to hold onto mommy and never let go (but I don't blame you, I think I'm pretty cool too)

You are so interested in Lily and Piper. You watch their ever move but luckily they are so gentle with you.

Your new thing is you like to roll over, and put your hands on your knees. Mommy thinks it might be the sweetest sight.

Well, next to this......

Bath time is still one of your favorite parts of the day, but afterwards, boy are you ready to got to bed!

You also roll over from back to tummy! (You still are not a big fan of tummy time)

You love to watch people. You sure don't miss a beat! (Yes, you always have to know what is going on Mr!)

Grab and hold toys, and bring them to your mouth.

Talk, talk, and talk. You sure love to hear the sound of your own voice. Especially when you are mad. You started doing this shrieking thing, and it cracks us up!

You still love to stand up when we hold you hands, and you can sit up supported!

You got your first cold, and first yucky cough. Made mommy sad!

You giggle when I do something silly, and laugh at daddy when he tries to feed you!

Brady, you rock our world. We can't wait to see what the next month has in store for us (I see lots of laughs, more food, and hopefully more sleep!)

and now I present, Brady's debut.....

The flip side to Motherhood.

Motherhood is not always easy, and while I feel like it is all worth it, there are often struggles. Brady is still so young, and I know we have tons of 'struggles' ahead of us from not wanting to go to bed, or wanting to wear underwear on his head, or to wanting to stay out late.

BUT....

He is still a baby and when you are a new mom you have this delusional dream in your head that life would be perfect. You would take him out to shop, and everyone would look at him and smile, because he is just the most perfect baby. The house would be clean, and dinner would be a elaborate 5 course meal. You would put your feet up and watch Oprah, and eat Carmel truffles, and life would just be bliss.

Then, you wake up from that dream. That is if you have time to dream in the little slots of time you call sleep.

Some days naps are not in his itinerary.

Sleeping through the night? Ha, he laughs at that.

The hours of 6-8 are now deemed the witching hour at our house.

You take one day at a time.

Then, you take that day and want to curse it.

Being a parent isn't always puppy dogs and rainbows.

Being a working parent can be ugly when you are sleep deprived and unsure of how you will get through the day.

But you do.

Some days there are more tears than laughter.

and that is okay.

Having a baby with horrible reflux has shown me that we can handle just about anything. We might cry tears of frustration, or want to scream at the top of our lungs.

and that is okay too.

You know in the end it is so worth it.

I met a mom last week who has a kid with reflux, and our stories were the same, even down the the bf issues. She said it was so bad that they thought he might be an only child. At six months, things got better.

Then that light at the end of the tunnel was so bright, I could almost feel it.

BUT apparently, I have another two months to be able to see it clearly.

and we will wait patiently.......

A year ago....

A year ago this month, we found out Brady was coming into the world. I was reading old posts I had written, and there was one in particular that made my heart smile and my eyes water.

I expected life to change. A big life altering change, but that never happened. I never felt like him coming into our lives was difficult, and I fell into motherhood so naturally, like I was meant to be HIS mother. I remember the struggle we had naming him and when I look at him, his name fits him perfectly. I remember wondering what he would look like, and who's features he would carry. I look at him and could not imagine him looking any other way.

I look back at all those emotions I was feeling, and I literally cried reading it, going back to the moment. I was so excited, but also had every other emotion floating through my head. A year later those emotions haven't changed. I worried about that life inside of me, and it never eased as my belly got bigger. 15 weeks after his birth, I still find myself full of worry.

Is he eating the right amount? Is he gaining the right amount? Is he cold? Is he hot? Is he happy? Does he get sad? Does he feel loved?

Then, I remember back to that day. The day I 'met' my little munchkin for the first time. What that tech said to me still rings true. Worrying is part of being a mother.

I look down at my sleeping baby, and I find peace.

I look at him and the immense love I feel is overwhelming.

I feel lucky.

I feel happy.

I am blessed.

A year ago, I was learning how to be a mom.

Now, I am HIS mom.

Little tidbits

• Brady's reflux hasn't gotten any better. He is now on Prevacid, and if his head spun around and his puke was green, I would start to think he was the exorcist.
  
• With the reflux, he sometimes get so crabby, and there are days when I want to scream with him. It sucks to see him uncomfortable, and it is frustrating to not know how to make him feel better.


• On that same note, I refused to listen to his dr. and countless others telling me that he's fine since he is gaining weight, or he will grow out of it. I am his voice, and he cannot tell them he doesn't feel good or that he is in pain. It's my duty as his mom to stick up for him, no matter how silly I look in the end (this isn't' one of those situations.) So, we see a Pediatric GI in a few weeks.
  
• Brady is a smooth talking man. He coos and 'talks' nonstop. The tiny laughs and smiles that go with them make my heart melt.


• Brady is NOT sleeping through the night, though he was pretty damn close...UNTIL--he got his FIRST COLD! He has the most pitiful cough, and stuffy nose. It sucks to see your baby sick and there isn't much you can do for him. Steamy showers, humidifiers, baby rub (Little Remedies is awesome) and the snot sucker only go so far. He needed a little more love, and a lot of snuggles this week.


• I on the other hand, didn't sleep. Sick baby=no sleep for ANYONE.


• Sick baby also means an increase in wine consumption.


• Being sick also made his reflux worse, which led me to a scary incident, and my heart stopped. He was napping in his crib and I heard him coughing, and it turned into choking. I ran in there and my child was practically purple. This is when I say that reflux IS a big deal, dammit. THankyouverymuch!


• Brady is a beef cake for sure. On Friday, he weighed 15 pounds! 15 POUNDS! He has ALMOST grown out of a size 2 diaper. Daddy keeps telling him he's going to play baseball (left handed pitcher $$)but mommy thinks that at this rate, he is going to be a LINEBACKER!


• Ha, the other day I was thinking that I want Brady and our next baby close in age (like 18 months) UNTIL, yes, that is a BIG until, I realized that would leave me needing to be knocked up again in less than 5 months. NOTHANKYOUVERYMUCH.


• Brady has many new tricks. My favorite new trick of his is how he has to hold onto my shirt, or rub my chest (I guess he is a boob man for sure, lol) when he is falling asleep. It does nothing other than melt my heart.
• His umbilical hernia IS GONE! It did fix itself, and I'm so excited! No more mini penis belly button! :)


• Lastly, I am applying for a new job and as much as it terrifies me, it brings pure joy into my heart knowing what a difference it would make in our lives. It would cut out two hours of drive time a day, and I would be so close to home I could walk home for lunch with my lil pipsqueak.