Thursday, June 25, 2009

When one soul comes, one leaves.

I don't really know how to begin this post. The past two years seem like a blur to me, and it seems like forever ago that my grandmother was diagnosed with the big C--Lung Cancer. She went through Chemo and Radiation and seemed to do well.

This past winter she had a stroke. Since then, her health has deteriorated and she has been to several doctors. My mom went with her to one appointment and dementia was talked about. So, our family started to think that is just what she had. It seemed like things continued to get worse, and that my grandpa was having a hard time caring for her. I suggested contacting Medicare to get someone to help out. I have kiddos I work with who are on Medicaid who get nursing assistance so I figured the same benefits might apply.

They sent out someone to assess her and found out that the cancer was back, and it wasn't good. They have her 6 months. Then, last night my mom called to tell me that had changed. Now, she has 1-2 months to live. Before that call, I was so happy about the baby being healthy so far, and I just didn't expect this at all. I really wanted her to meet our little man too.

What makes me upset is that they are not telling her that she is dying. She told my mom the other day that when she is alone, she can't think. Then, she asked my mom if she was dying. They told her NO! When I asked why, they said, we'll we don't want her to give up fighting. I just feel that this is so wrong and that she deserve to know. I keep thinking that she might want to say her goodbyes, or do this or that. It just doesn't make sense to me but maybe she didn't want to know, I don't know.

The sad thing is that they planned her funeral yesterday. My grandpa wanted everyone to be in the right mind state to do it. I know this sounds odd, but I have never to been to a funeral, and I really don't know how to deal with death.My dad's dad died when I was ten. It was an odd experience because he was cremated and I wasn't really that close to him. I know none of us really can ever be truly prepared for it but I have no experiences to base this on. Death has always been something that freaks me out.

I am 30 years old and have been blessed that I have never truly dealt with it before.

Anyway, any thoughts and prayers sent her way would be greatly appreciated.

I guess it might be true what they say, with every birth there is a death.

On a positive note, Blake's mom had surgery yesterday to remove tumors from her bladder. She is doing really well and they sent her home! She had this when Blake was young, and this time it seems to be going as it did last time!

Cancer just sucks!


Jennelle said...

Amy, I'm so sorry. I really think they should tell her the truth...

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

I hate this for you...good vibes and prayers are with you during this tough time.
Dealth is very scary and although I have seen my fair share, it never gets unscary or real. So don't feel alone at this...your feelings are natural and you are dealing with it right. It wont make it any easier but giving you guys time to prepare might help some. Know that your grandma has lead a good life and God is waiting.

Sarah said...

man, that sucks. i really don't know what i would do in that situation. but my heart goes out to you and your fam.

Sassy said...

Amy, I'm so, so, so sorry. Before last year, I'd never lost anyone who was really close to me. Then both of my grandmothers died within 7 months, and I'm still not sure I ever really coped with it. The first death was the grandmother who helped raise me when my mom was a single mother and working full time. She got sick and bounced back many times, so I never really thought she would actually leave us. When she did, I felt like a big part of me died. I still do. It hurts to write this.

It's not going to be easy. It's not just magically going to be okay. Even knowing and having "preparation" (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) does nothing to ease the pain when a loved one passes. I do think the arrival of your new little angel will help, but also cause a lot of emotion. There are no words that anyone can say to make this easier on you or your family. Just know that there are people who care about you who are here to talk if you ever need to.

I'm so sorry this is happening. I will continue to hope for a miracle for your family.

Danielle said...

I am so sorry. I know how you feel about your son not getting to meet your Grandma. My grandma died a few months after my wedding and every month she asked if I was pregnant yet. She was so excited to have a baby in the family. I wish I had done more home video's/ pictures with her for Mikayla to watch someday. Cherish the time you have with her and make the most of it. My Grandma died very sudden and I felt like we had no time to prepare.Many hugs and thoughts to you

Angie said...

You are so lucky that you've never been to a funeral or had anyone close to you pass away. I've been to more than I care to remember but my mom's was of course the hardest. I think if your gma is dying she needs to know. maybe there are things she wants to tell people or set things straight. I think she should know. It's not easy but at least then you can prepare. I'll be thinking of you and praying that she's not suffering.

sarasel said...

I guess the only thing I can add here is...don't waste a lot of time thinking about what the "normal" reaction should be to news like this or when she actually dies what you "should" act like to be "normal."

My mom died two years ago after being sick for years. Every day I thought about her dying and how I would handle the news. I was as mentally prepared as someone can be. Still, her death was sudden. She died at home and I got the news that morning while I was at work.

I basically shut down for about two weeks. I was living in Florida at the time so I had to fly to St. Louis for the memorial and everything. I even gave a speech at the memorial.

But it is all a blur. I was emotionally pretty much numb on the inside. I didn't cry too much after that first day. I didn't want to talk to anyone really. I certainly didn't want people hugging me, comforting me, etc. I was pretty much just pissed off about everything. I didn't want to pretend she didn't die, but I didn't want gifts, flowers, whatever.

When I went to the store, I was pissed at the people in line in front of me that took a long time. I was just in a perpetual state of anger, not sadness. I didn't feel sorry for myself for losing my mom, I didn't feel anything at all really.

I went to a counselor and talked about how I didn't feel like I was having the "normal" reaction to my mother's death. I said I felt like a bad person for not crying more, not feeling more. She was my MOM, I should feel SOMETHING. I shouldn't be just NUMB about it, right?

But the counselor said everyone deals with death in their own way and that my reaction was just as normal as anyone elses, especially since I had known for a long time my mom was dying. I had already mourned her for a long time.

I wish I could say that later I cried and went through the more normal stages of grief, but I didn't really. But I have been able to put aside the feelings that I should have.

So I'm just saying however you handle the news is what's normal for you.

Bethwyn said...

I'm so sorry you're family are going through this right now. We are dealing with the declining health of my grandmother right now, too. It sucks. Death is never an easy thing to deal with.


Anonymous said...

(I'm still not able to read your blog, I get kicked out by blogger). But I gather from the above comments that you are losing your grandma? I'm so so sorry, and I'm sorry she possibly won't meet your little boy.

My grandma has been declining for a few years, she has forgotten that I'm married, and she doesn't understand that I'm pregnant. This will be her first great-grandchild, and she is unable to make the connection. It is hard.

It is so hard to see a loved one slip away like that. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Maria said...

I'm so sorry Amy. You and your family are in my prayers.