Eight is great a bit late

Dear Brady,
Can you believe you are now EIGHT months old? The past month we have been so busy--YOU have been so busy but there were so many times I just stopped in that moment, cuddled you and kissed you to pieces. Life is good.

Believe it or not but one of your favorite things to do is go shopping with mom. Being the nosey little person you are, you stare at everything and everyone. You smile and flirt your way around the whole store, and grab at tags and anything you can get those chubby little fingers on! Sometimes, you just lean back and take it all in.

Another favorite thing? Animals. The cat has learned she better run fast because you love to grab that bushy tail! You have met big and small dogs but they do not bother you one bit, even if their enormous tongues lick your face, you crack up!

You are pretty good at self-feeding. We really haven't found much you DON'T like. Seriously. Sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, peaches, cantaloupe, watermelon, you name it, you love it!

As you see, you take your food very seriously. By the way, when you are 1o, you can't say you don't like Broccoli because I have proof!

You are pretty much into EVERYTHING. Paper, cords, and flip flops might rank up there close to mommy. I don't know how many times I vacuum and sweep the floors but you manage to find the tiniest little things. You love to shake a piece of paper, or a toy and bounce up and down.

You do this half crawl, half scoot, stand up sit down, stand up kind of thing and you NEVER stop. You would start crawling and then flop down on your belly and scoot the rest of the way. Mommy just figured out that your crawl JUST fine on the carpet, and it's so much easier to do without your shorts getting in the way (you have spent a lot of time in onsies at home!) The positions you get into make me wonder if you were a Yoga master in your previous life. You have so much energy even on days you don't sleep very well! Can you please give me your secret? Momma is tired chasing after you!

You manage to stand up on anything you can. You love to pull yourself up on mommy's legs and bounce! I have also found your cracking up at yourself. I wish you'd let mommy in on what is so funny!
(look at how tired you are! )

You just learned to do this when we say, "How big are you?" (SO BIG!) It is hard not to smile when you do it. You get this look on your face and are clearly so proud of yourself! You almost have a clap down too!

You are a talker! Da-Da, Ba-Ba, Na-Na, A-ma, and a thousand other things come out of those sweet little lips. You get this intent look on your face, like you are trying so hard to tell me or the lady at Target everything.

This week, you got your FIRST tooth!! I can thank those teeth for your sleep strike (and yourpoor eyes are all red and puffy!) You also don't want mommy to leave you. Mommy gives you some extra snuggles and life is good again!

My favorite part of my day is cuddling with you before you go to bed. Sometimes I hold you a little longer because I want more snuggles. You lay in my arms, nuzzle your face into me and place your hand on my chest and I just can't let you go! Seriously though? The little belly that hangs out? Gets me every time!!

I can't believe in four short months, you will be a whole year old. You are just growing so fast! Mommy loves watching you grow, and loves each new thing you do.

You are really turning into a little man, and your personality comes out more each day. You are so determined and full of life. You are full of smiles and giggles, even when you are not feeling your best. I look at you and see curiosity, excitement but most of all love and trust. Sometimes the love I feel for you sends me to tears but looking at you gives me so much joy, pride, and elation. When you lift those little arms but to me, mommy has to scoop you up and kiss those chubby cheeks (which sends you to giggles) while you still let me!

I can thank for you giving me so much and you teach ME something new everyday. I love you to pieces, boo-boo!!

Me+hernia+teething baby= pure CHAOS

Looks as if I am having surgery for that hernia. and SOON! Tuesday to be precise. Yes, less than a freaking week away (which is bad since I do have a child but good in the sense I can't over think the procedure and freak myself out) The surgeon was great and explained how the way he does the surgery makes it less likely to return and getting pregnant again (in the future) should not be an issue. He also confirmed it's an incisional hernia.

Basically, he takes a piece of mesh to cover the hole in the wall of the stomach, and staples it. Then, he sews six stitches to surrounding muscles so that if i cough, or sneeze and pop a staple, it is not going to cause the mesh to move. This is good and bad.

Good: He said that the first 2-3 weeks, i can lift up to 9 pounds. After that if it doesn't hurt to lift Brady then i should be ok to do so. I just hope I recover fast! It is all done laproscopically so that means faster recovery hopefully! Most of the people who have had a hernia repair said that they felt better after the first week, and almost new after the 2nd!

Bad: He wants me to take at least 2 weeks off work. Saving time for my next in the sometime near future baby=FAIL. Plus, this is the BUSIEST time of the year. I might be working from my bedside if I can!

I am a bit freaked out by the whole going under part of the surgery and am trying not to focus on that and trying to remain positive but when I got the call that it has been scheduled, I'll be honest, I had a mini breakdown. The reality hit me and it hit me hard. I know it is a common surgery, and a short recovery in the grand scheme of things but it's not going to be easy. I am spending the weekend prepping meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and of course snuggling my chunk to pieces.


He's had a rough week (me too!) We stepped into mommy separation anxiety territory and it isn't pretty. He's fine if I'm not in sight (like with the people who watch him during the day) but the moment he sees me and I leave him, he screams like he is on fire. Putting him down for naps and bed has turned into a full blown-out fight. He screams and cries real tears which he NEVER does. Talk about killing me slowly. My heart felt like it was on fire!


Then, this morning, I found a TOOTH! Ah, makes total sense. I just hope that next week will not scar him for life, ha! I know this is just a phase and it's hard to not love being the one he wants. Finding time to pee lately seems like a vacation (but not really since he is in the hallway waiting for me!)

So, next week will be interesting to say the least (we are keeping the same schedule during the day for the ppl that watch him more for him to have some consistency.) I figured that this downtime will give me a time to relax, get caught up on sleep, and get things done that I normally wouldn't have the time to do or wanted to get done since Brady was born. I barely have time to sit down for 15 minutes so this will be a HUGE change for me!

Expect a lot of blog posts! :)

Tales from the Puke-side.

I'm Amy and I have a puker. We are getting ready to enter into our EIGHT month of puke

::triple sigh::

Looks like we'll be members of the puke of the minute club for quite a while longer (let's just hope he stops before he starts dating.)

That may not mean much to you if you haven't' dealt with a baby with reflux or even one that spits up more than others. It's kind of like a prison sentence you are waiting out but way more fun and less restricting.

I am eternally grateful that puke is all that we have had to deal with as I know countless other babies and kids deal with challenging medical issues. I think about that just about daily as I am wiping up another puddle of spewed milk and leave my complaining for things like the heat, and my lack of tropical vacations.

Ok, so your baby pukes a lot. People look at me like I'm telling this trivial piece of information that doesn't really matter until they pick him up only to be covered in a pool of a white milky substance.

So, THAT is what projectile looks like, eh?

NOW you get it?

You learn to accept the fact that your house smells like old milk and your dog is trained to run to the faintest sound of a burp. (Gross but so true)

You pack blankets, oodles of burp cloths and 5 changes of clothes for a ten minute trip.

You don't even flinch when it flies out (even if it's in the middle of a burial for your great-grandmother) and catch puke faster than that guy who plays baseballs attempts to catch a flyball. No mitt required.

You learn to carry your child outward so you can aim where the puke goes.

Rugs are replaced with wipeable mats and the word 'steam cleaned' or 'stain remover' are knights in shining armor.

You steam clean your couches only to wonder what the monetary value of the puke you just sucked out. (Hey, formula is NOT cheap!)

No laundry goes untreated, and expect to wash enough for a small army.

A pukey newborn is sweet but an 8 month old? Well, that is just a not-so-hidden talent.

Puke comes in all different flavors. Milk. Green Bean. Squash. Apple. Banana.

His party trick is to see how far is can go....and can clear a room faster than the speed of light!

You invent works like puk-i-ness, pukies, puke-tastic, and pukey, and write crazy blog posts using every single one of them.

I may make light of his pukiness but we have had our days when the tears are louder than the laughter. Then he pukes again and you move on. While your couch may be stained, your bed smells like stale milk, and you get lost in the pile of laundry, you watch him smile through it all and none of it matters.

The truth about babies: Part 1 of 5000

A seven month old will eat just about anything, including coupons, keys, wallet, toes, and computer cords but then refuses to eat things that are actually edible.

Baby's who eat coupons do not scan.

Cuddling a sleepy baby never gets old!

The second your turn your back, he gets into something he shouldn't be.

The coffee table will turn into a nice accessory to your blocked off dining room as a certain seven month old like to crawl underneath it only to hit his head underneath it. Over. Over. and over again!
How do I put this one? Ok, I'll just say it....boys really start grabbing themselves at a VERY early age.

Dogs learn that food and baby's are a good combination very quick.

Real tears suck. Real tears should not be allowed.

A 7 month old baby is way smarter than you think, and learn to play grandma at a very early age.

When you hand your baby to someone else and they cry, you secretly love that he wants to come back to you.

When baby gets older, you'll have more time. HA! Right. I can barely find time to pee because the second I walk away, he has the cats tail in his mouth.

The term, sleeping like a baby? Doesn't exist. Babies sleep just like anyone else in this world, just in odd increments.

The worrying never stops after they come out and grow. (Especially when they don't just lay there anymore and exlpore the world!)

You may not agree with what every mom does but she is not raising your child, and you must respect that.

What works for your baby, does not indeed work for every baby. Remember that.

You can't wait for the day for your baby to sleep through the night but the moment he does you miss your nightly cuddle sessions.

Your house looks like a daycare. No matter how much you try to prevent it, it is inevitable.

A mobile baby is as scary as you think it is.

Those big eyes, and big dimply smile is the thing you look forward to each morning and everyday after work.

Baby giggles heal the soul.

Those things that other parents told your before you had kids? Each day you find another one was indeed right.

One of those things they tell you is that 'you will never know a love like your own child's.'

and that is the truest of them all.

CSN Winner!

Brady did a good job of picking a winner. He knew which one he wanted to pick and held onto it! Luckily, I grabbed it before he ate it and then we would never know who won!

Just as I shut off the video, I had to pry someones name out of his mouth!


and the winner is......



Mrs. Dirnberger! Congrats, Momma! Send me your email address so we can get your certificate to you!

Congrats, Momma! (BTW, love Michael's singing from The Office in the background!)

Last Day!

Don't forget, TODAY is the last day to enter the CSN giveaway!!!

Things that might make me gray and/or borderline insane.

1. A mobile baby.
It's true. They are into EVERYTHING. You can't turn your back for a second or they might try to eat things like the dog, your magazine, your toe, a pair of dirty flip flops or his own diaper. He loves him some toes. This kid is scooting, and half crawling around the house, and wants to get up and go-ALL.THE.TIME. You try to sit him down and he wants to stand! He is a wild man! I have already found the quickest route to the emergency room, and have stock in boo boo packs and band-aids.

2. C-section.
I have had nothing but issues once I had my c-section. You are all probably tired of hearing it but now I have another issue. A freaking HERNIA. Yep. I have one and this lady is not smiling about it. I did smile though when a man with a mouth full of gold came to my door selling magazines the same day I happened to find out I have a hernia and ruin my phone. Turns out that this lump that I found right on my c-section scar is a hernia and I need surgery. Turns out that your not supposed to lift anything over TEN pounds for SIX weeks. Turns out that really sucks when you have a 7 month old who weighs over 20 pounds. Not cool one bit. I could mope about it and maybe I will once it hits me and I talk to the surgeon but right now I just shrug my shoulders but yes, it still SUCKS.

From what I understand, the wall of my abdomen was weak from a) pregnancy, b) having a csection, and b)having a complication from my c-section, a hematoma, or also called soma (which put me at a greater risk of having one.) Because of this stupid hematoma, my body was still healing and while normally people are healing and toting around a newborn, I was toting around a giant 3-4 month old weighing 15 pounds. Add in all of the above and that equals hernia for this lady.

3.Our Busy life
Work has me so flustered, and life has been so crazy I can't seem to find a balance between work, home and everything in between. Really. I might be that lady that you see at Target and wonder why she is dressed like that and talking to herself. This is where the lottery would really come in handy. Twice since Saturday, I have left my phone on the roof of my car. Yes. Once is excusable but twice=lostyourdamnmindlady. Once I happened to drive a mile or two down the road to Target to find it was still on the roof where I left it. Then I left it last night there after I got back to the office only to find it after the giant downpour hit (yet it still works). I need a vacation but it looks like I'll be having a vacation to have a hernia fixed.

4. Baby's that want big boy foods.

With a recommendation of an awesome momma (thanks, Kristen,) I have found myself giving Brady solid solids. It is based on an idea called baby led weaning and I found it super interesting and I really liked the whole idea. I have been trying to be brave and give Brady green beans, broccoli, peaches, bananas. Well, we are so successful because this kid LOVES big boy food. He has almost mastered the pincher grasp and chews it up like he has been doing this since birth. His favorite are green beans, and fresh peaches he shares with mommy!

Now, why do I include it here? Because even though baby's can tolerate way more than we think, I am so paranoid about choking. I mean I gave him a baby Mum Mum (they are organic rice husks that dissolve like teething biscuits) and he bit it in half. My heart almost stopped. We haven't gone back to those quite yet.

So, to recap. Unless I can stop this kid from grabbing wires, eating toes, and eating real food and starts walking so that I can handle surgery a bit easier than this momma is going to be buying stock in Nice and Easy.

and maybe a straight jacket.

CSN Giveaway!!!

I am super excited to announce a giveaway! CSN stores is offering one of you lovely readers a gift certificate to one of their stores. There are over 200 different stores so make sure to check them out!

They have everything from track lighting (for a nice glow for that nursery) to espresso machines (to help you deal with a baby who likes to party at night) to baby furniture (so you can have a place to put that sleepy baby!)

This would be perfect for Brady's room!

I'm pretty much in LOVE with this espresso machine. Yes. Love at first sight. This is something I think every little kid needs!
I think this little table and chair set is precious!

but this is something I practically might drool over and over.....

Kids, or dogs, I think everyone can find something!

GIVEAWAY!

For you lucky readers, I have a $60 gift certificate to giveaway! Just tell me what you would buy and you are entered!

For an extra entry, blog about the giveaway and post the link in the comments!

You have until June 14th to enter and Brady will help me pick a winner on June 15th!

The magic number

Since we brought Brady home everyone told me that the next stage would be the magic age. 3 months was when he'd sleep. Then, 6 months was the golden age.

I waited patiently for six months. Well, six months came and went. No magic number. Just a growing little boy. I got so darn sick of hearing people tell me he would sleep when he was ready or I was spoiling him by getting up with him and to let him cry it out. Trust me, I tried everything and I was not about to let my child cry so hard he couldn't catch his breath.

I look back at the blur and fusses of the first three months and then when he hit month four, life got a bit easier. He was a different, happy baby. Then, five and six months hit and he continued to be the happy, full of sunshine baby during the day, while at night the horns came out! I expected things to get better but when it didn't happen, I decided it never would.

Oh well, I'll sleep when he's 30. Hopefully, he still doesn't want to be fed at 4 am!

Around month five, we hit the dreaded damned reflux peak. Boy, did it peak! I suddenly felt like I had a newborn again. We would have numerous wake-ups and 1-3 hour middle of the night wake periods. I was exhausted and tapped out-physically and emotionally. Lack of sleep really can do crazy things to you, and you do crazy things like forget meetings and where you put the dog.

Then, seven months hit.

Ladies and gentlemen (are there any men out there?) I think seven is our LUCKY number. I don't want to jinx it but really this is the first solid stretch of consistency we have EVER had. We have had 7, 8, 9 hour stretches! Part of it is because he is getting older, part of it is because he is so busy during the day (ahem...mobile) and part of it is because we have a concoction of reflux meds that are making his tummy better (thankyouverymuch prevacid and mylanta!) Then, it might be because of a little thing called consistancy. I don't' care what the reasons are. I just care that it happened.

I might still be getting up once a night with him and we might still have not so good nights but we have come a long way. He was the conductor on that crazy train of inconsistency.

Part of me has a bit of sleep anxiety and can't seem to go back to sleep after we get up at 4 am. Part of me is just tired all the time. Part of me wonders if I'll ever sleep soundly again, expecting that cry in the middle of the night or to check on him throughout the night.

Looking back, part of me is a bit stronger and I am fully inducted into this thing called motherhood.

I'm not so new at this anymore. Just a little more well rested.

Random it is!

I just realized in this chaos of a week that I have not posted much but it is hard when you have a 7 month old that is ALL over the place. Scooting, pulling up, and just a busy bee.



I saw this hat and I think we need it. I mean how cute is that? perfect!





Speaking of the alphabet, I am kind of revamping his room right now. He outgrew the changing table and are bringing in a dresser this weekend. I even organized his closet, and I just love organization. Pictures to come soon!

The tie shirt was an etsy purchase....I need to stay away! I had originally planned on having someone local make one but then I saw this and fell in love! Stitches By Rachel. It was perfect!!! You have to see the vests she makes. They are too cute for words!

This past weekend, we damaged our checking account and finally bought convertible car seats. The kid outgrew the infant seat! We also bought this when we were there, and I can thank it for saving my child's noggin.

By the way, it is huge. I love it too because puke just wipes right up! :) and wild bouncy baby's just literally bounce on it! :)

Oh, and I'm probably going to jinx myself but GUESS who slept nine hours last night? Woot!

Stay tuned, I have a few giveaways coming up! double woot!

Never let go

Last night, I screamed like a girl when I saw a giant bug, and my girlish scream woke up Brady. Usually, he'll go right back to sleep or I go in and shush him and maybe pat his bootie. He kept smiling at me and I had the strongest urge to cuddle with him even though it was time for me to head to bed.

I picked him up and he closed his eyes, and as he drifted off a little smile came across his chubby cheeks. He used to do this quite often when he was a newborn-kind of like the time between awake and dream time is blissful for him. He continued to smile in his sleep, and as I stared at this kid I was holding, kissing his cheeks, and taking in his sweet smell, I remembered the first time I got to hold him.

The first night, I was wheeled down to the NICU to see him-bed and all! I wasn't allowed to hold him as they needed to keep him still and calm as possible so that the tear in his lung wouldn't expand, or his lung collapse. Even though I was heavily medicated, I wanted to hold him close.

The next day, I waited nervously to go see him. My nurse was worried because my fever was still high, and I looked like Casper the friendly ghost but she finally helped me into the wheelchair and wheeled me down to the Special Care Nursery.

It had been about 24 hours since I had seen him and I hadn't even got to hold my baby boy yet. She looked at me as she pushed me down the long narrow hall and asked me, "Are you excited?" I said 'yes' but really I was so nervous.

She parked my wheelchair next to an incubator, and I saw the first glimpse. They handed him to me and his big eyes looked right at me like he was saying, 'about time mom!' It was right then that I realized I wasn't nervous or scared even with all the wires attached to his baby feet, and the giant IV on his tiny fingers. We did some Kangaroo care and I fed him. I just held him close for a while, and almost two hours later, the nurses had to talk me into leaving. I kept looking at his tiny hands, tiny little nose, and I didn't want to let go.

I looked down at the baby I was now holding. He has grown from this tiny little seahorse inside my growing belly to this tiny being laying in an incubator and finally to this little boy who is full of personality and life.

....I still don't want to let him go.

Seriously SEVEN months???

Dear Brady;
As mommy writes this, she is literally in disbelief that you are already seven months old. Little man, this month has been full of so many firsts for you! Pulling up to stand, scooting around the room, rocking back and forth trying to crawl, babbling, trying new foods (the mesh teether and peaches=heaven in your eyes), mommy's first mother's day, first time sitting in the shopping cart like a big boy, and sitting in the high chair at lunch with mommy!

Yesterday, your cousin Bree watched you. She went in to get your after your nap and boy did you surprise her!

You are THIS close to crawling. You are a strong little guy. You are not just strong physically but you are also strong willed. You are so determined. Like I said, you are something else! You catch on to new things so fast that you surprise us all and we are still trying to catch up with you!

You get this look on your face (the one above) where you are just trying so hard to do something, and you eventually get it, or scream instead :)

You crack me up because you have the biggest expressions that come off those chubby little cheeks. Your bright eyes light up at the littlest things that it makes mommy find pleasure in the little things in life. Your eyes get wide and you squeal in delight when i run the bath water. The cutest thing is that you take your little fist and shake it in pure excitement. Life is so simple in your eyes and it truly makes me love life more!

Just the simple act of putting your chubby little toes in the grass makes you happy! See those adorable little thighs? I could tickle them over and over just to hear you giggle (your toes, belly, neck, legs--see a trend? You are one ticklish little boy!) It is pure bliss! By the way, you currently weight 20 pounds, 11 ounces, big boy!!! So big in fact, we have to get you a new carseat!

You love people. You smile at all the girls, and study the boys. Every time I take you somewhere, there is at least one person who talks to you and you strut your stuff, and show them that dimply smile! Of course, your favorite two people just happen to be your wonderful daddy and amazing mommy! You love to laugh our kisses, and tickles but you think our silly faces are so funny!!!

You are so curious. You grab everything (including mommy's hair, ow!) and study things so intently. Your favorite thing is still the dog. You could stare at her for days if I would let you. You also love to watch daddy. Just watch him and smile at him. BUT.....nothing compares to being cuddled up with mommy. When you raise up those chubby little arms towards me, my heart melts. I scoop you up and you dig your face into me and give me the biggest squeeze. Your baby hugs are the best parts of my day. Well, besides your giggles and smiles!

You amaze me everyday little man. Your newest feat is talking. You are babbling up a storm and say, Da-da, and ba-ba. Daddy swears you are calling him!

You do something new almost every day! Every month, I say I can't believe how big you are getting and while I am sad to see you grow so fast, I am more than excited to watch you become the little person you are. It's hard to believe in 5 months, you will have your first birthday. Mommy is already planning on bringing the tissues! It is amazing to think that just a few months ago you could not even roll over! Now, you are on the go! I just hope I can keep up with you!

Brady, we love you!

Oh, and PLEASE be careful! All this moving is going to give mommy some gray hairs!!

You know your a mom.....

You know your a mom when............
When you leave your child to take a shower and you come back to see your child jumping up and down in the exersaucer, dancing in his own poop.

Yep. True story. I can't make this crap up. No pun intended.

When your son pukes you catch it in your hand like it's no big deal and your friend who has no kids looks at you in utter disgust.

When the 26th of each month rolls around, you find yourself sad that your child is another month older, but excited for what is to come.

You truly know what sleep deprived is when you lock your keys in a car that has technology that doesn't allow that to actually happen, and the same day you realize you put on your underwear on backwards, and you have spit up on your pants.

You thought your heart went to mush when you saw your husband with a tiny newborn he had no idea how to hold. Just wait until he gets old enough to laugh at his silly faces. Then, you will know mush.

You watch your child playing with his own shadow and it makes you smile. Not because it's a funny sight but because you love to see him exploring the world around him and realize that he just discovered something new.

That the babyproofing aisle in Babies R US can bring on a full fledged PANIC attack.

You hear your child babbling while he is playing and you look at yourself and find yourself in tears because you can't believe your tiny baby is growing so fast.

You hold your arms up just so he can hold his up to you.

The time that you consider 'sleeping in' is a time that you used to think was SO early.

The best part of your day is when you wake up and pick him up after work because the look on his face makes your heart melt.

Those people you couldn't believe left the house like that? Well, you ARE those people.

You look at your life now, and you cannot believe how much it has changed. Those Johnson commercials were right when they said, 'a baby changes everything.' From the time you get up to the time you go to bed, to all that is in between. Your whole life has changed and you wonder when it happened because you never noticed it, and you can't remember your life before him. You just notice that your heart has grown, and there is one tiny being that you can thank for that.

How to help

This week, came so fast. This week, they were supposed to get married.

Once right after it happened, someone told me not to do something because it would make her sad. Grief sucks. Loosing someone sucks but people want to tiptoe over it all the time. It happened and everything makes her sad, but not acknowledging it was like not acknowledging his memory.

About a month ago, my friend said that people react to grief like it is contagious. Like it's not something you should talk about but really talking about him makes her feel better, makes us feel better. Not talking about him is making it seem like he never existed. So, we talk about him all the time. We laugh at happy memories, and a lot of the time it makes us sad.

All people react to grief differently. Just be there-to listen, to laugh, to cry. It didn't just help my friend, but my husband, myself.

A friend sent this to me right after it all happened. She found it on a blog she read and I wish I could give credit to who wrote it but it is so well written, and in a way validates what I just said. If anything I can give to you out of all of this is a way to help someone you love. Don't tiptoe. Please, don't tiptoe.

Someone I love said it so perfectly; 'talking about him makes me feel better, makes me remember, makes me feel close to him again.'

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME (Writer unknown)
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.


Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."


Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.


I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.


I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.


I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember his with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.


I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.


I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.


Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.

So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.


Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.


Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.


Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.


Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding.


Thank you for praying for me.


And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

(Insert picture of light bulb above my head!)

Thanks for sharing some of your fussy baby stories. I know a lot of parents deal with colic, reflux (a book I am reading say 1 in 10 babies have it to some extent) and just generally fussy babies. It's not like I am the only one in the world that dealt with a fussy baby but when you have a baby that cries a lot, sometimes that is how it feels. Plus, noone really talks much about it, noone ever says, 'Yep, I have a really fussy baby' I only hear people say, "oh, he is good good." So, then it makes you want to wonder is my baby, bad?

Then you hear another mom say that her sweet baby slept through the night since he came out the womb. Not something a sleep deprived mom wants to hear. A friend of ours baby was over a while ago and he did nothing but sleep. Hardly cried. I thought, 'so, that is what a normal baby does, huh?" Seems kinda boring :) especially when you are used to a newborn that didn't sleep more than 30 minutes the whole day, and still didn't sleep much at night. I wondered who ever coined the term, 'slept like a baby!'

I am currently reading a book called, "The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight," and she made a HUGE point that really clicked with me and with our sleep issues.

Babies with reflux sometimes are so busy projectile vomiting or uncomfortable that they miss out on the chance to learn how to self soothe and fall asleep on their own. S0, we must teach them. It was like a huge light bulb went off in my head and it gave me the reason I was looking for since he first fought that first nap.

Brady's reflux is still a huge issue in our lives and it only makes sense that it is disrupting his sleep. Tuesday night, he slept from 1030-7! Then, the next night, right back up again 2-3 times, and 5+ times the night before. Inconsistent is his middle name, well, not really, it's Robert.

You know what else the book recommends when you have a child who doesn't sleep? A good support system. Someone to talk to about it. Luckily, I know a few moms that have gone through it all with me and we all wonder when our kids will get 'it'. They are some of the most amazing moms I know, and do not think I could have made it through the past six months without them. Each of us brings something different to the table, and each one is an amazing mother. Sometimes when we are having a particularly rough night, I think that maybe our babies are all up together, crying in cahoots, and you know, it makes it a bit easier sometimes. Just being able to talk to someone who understands make is so much easier but we found ourselves cheering each other on!!

So, ladies, you know who you are, and I wanted to thank each one of you for being the mommies you are!!

The first six months

I wanted to share this not to buy sympathy, or scare moms-to-be, but give give you the real truth. Being a mother is not easy but it is rewarding in more than one fat little way. I wanted other moms who are going through it to know that they are not alone. You can make it through too. You ARE an amazing mom.

As Mother Day came and went, and after Brady turned another month older, I have found myself reflecting upon the last six months.

I read some of my posts, and I'll be honest. I can't remember some of it. To be perfectly honest, I can't remember A LOT of it. Much of what I wrote was sugar coated. Do not get me wrong, I love being a mom. He is my entire world, and has change my world in a way I never thought could be humanly possible. The love I feel could not be known but only by a mother herself.

Looking back, the past six months have been the most amazing, yet the most difficult journey I have ever faced or may ever face.

When we brought Brady home, I was so in awe. Incredibly smitten, head-over heels in love! Knowing the outcome could have been much worse, I didn't want to let him go, and wanted to overdose him in kisses, and snuggle him until he was 25. Those first two weeks were the honeymoon phase. We would stare at each other, and he'd make his silly noises. Then, he would cry and I'd think it was cute.

Then, reality, or as I call it, reflux kicked in around 4 weeks. He cried all the time. Not just that typical newborn cry but whole body shaking red faced cry. I cried a lot. I was exhausted, and knowing my baby was in pain made me hurt too. I felt always on guard. My husband wondered what was wrong with him. I wondered too. I did a lot of research. Cut out everything....dairy, caffeine--some of the only things that were getting me by in life at this point. The more research I did, I learned that a lot of kids with reflux are hypersensitive (react to stimuli such as loud sounds, and bright lights more than the average kiddo...ahem, plastic bags?) and reflux would subside by six months. It gave me hope (and now I laugh at that!)

Looking back, I wonder how the hell I made it through. I wonder how my husband and I still like each other. I wonder how I could ever contemplate wanting to do it over again. I wonder how I survived on hour blocks of sleep, or slept sitting up comforting an uncomfortable baby. I felt isolated, and sometimes alone.

Looking back, I remember my 6 week OB appointment, he screamed bloody murder and someone said to me, 'wow, he sure has a temper;' the trip out to dinner for my MIL's birthday where we had to leave because he wouldn't stop crying, or his Dr. saying over and over that he was just colicky.

'Just colicky?'

A lot of people shrugged it off as colic. No big deal. Just a mommy and baby who can't seem to figure out life.

I thought about punching those people directly in the boob. Yes, the boob.

Telling a new mom their child is just colicky is like saying, you just cut off your right arm but oh well, who cares! You cry because they have labeled your child a cranky baby, a bad baby! One article I read even said that my baby was allergic to life. What that does to a mother, well, is not something I can even find the words for.

Even though I was technically house ridden, I didn't want to leave. I was terrified. Every time we left the house, it was like a game of Russian Roulette except for that bullet would get me every time. Screaming. Driving would settle him, but I wasn't allowed to stop, or he screamed till he turned blue. We had a few scares where he turned himself blue because he was so upset, or choking on reflux and I found myself stopped in time, and had to remind myself to take a breath.

I won't lie. I think I sugar coated it not only to spare the mothers-to-be, but to protect myself. I had days when I felt like a failure. I wasn't cut out for this mommy thing. I had to be doing something wrong. I WAS doing something wrong, I was sure of it. Normal babies sleep. Normal babies are peaceful. Normal babies do not projectile the entire contents of their stomach across the room.

As months went on, and as Brady grew, (and the reflux meds were changed, and change, and what he ate changed, and changed, and changed,) life got a bit easier. He became the happy baby that I love more than life itself. We all smiled more. We laughed more. We went shopping together, went to the park. We did normal things that mommy's and baby's do. We are still waiting for him to 'get' the whole sleeping thing.

Last Friday, I had the day off. We ran a few errands. Then, just the two of us went to Bread Co. where we had lunch together.

Such a simple act but looking back, it is a huge feat. There was no way I would have ever thought we would have been able to do that. No way could I bring my 'colicky' baby to a restaurant.

Such a simple act made a working mommy so happy as we usually eat lunch with someone else.

Such a simple act could not make me feel more like a mom as the old folks there doted on him, and played peak-a-boo that sent him into a contagious laughter. I found myself smiling.

Looking back, those first few months were not easy, but in a way, they make me appreciate him so much more, love him tenfold.

In a way, I am thankful for my 'just colicky' baby. The way I look at him and the overflowing immense love I feel today is because we survived together. We made it though. I made it though .

I can do this mommy thing.

and I can do it well.

My hungry Caterpillar

I got the sweetest gift today from my little man. Of course, he had some help from Melissa which is who watches him a few days a week. Head over to her blog, she makes so many cool things, and here to see how she made it!

I had to show it off because it was awesome, and a little something I will keep forever and remember how little he was.

The caterpillar was made from his fingers and toes! It made me smile!

Thank you, Melissa! We know Brady loves you and you take fabulous care of my little boy that we never worry about him when he is with you!

Happy Mother's Day to you, and all the mommy's out there.

Uh oh......

So......look what he is TRYING to do. Cue scary movie music. This kid is trying to stand up? Seriously?


Like I said. Uh oh.








By the way, this is a toy from Grandma, and he absolutely loves it. Cause and effect!
Fisher Price Stack n Suprise Blocks.

Those thoughts, continued.

Your comments were great! Thanks, but I did want to clarify a bit. I guess my biggest worry isn't about delivery itself, but for the complications I had with my c-section. I lost a lot of blood, and was so close to having to needing a blood transfusion. I was weak, and pale as a ghost. I had to have a home health nurse come to do wound care for almost 8 weeks, and wasn't supposed to drive that whole time. I had to schedule outings around the nurse coming if I did want to leave the house. Most of all, it was the pain of being poke and prodded daily, sometimes twice a day, that makes me shudder. I am almost sure it is why I had so many issues with my supply as well.

The thought of having to go through that again makes me sick to my stomach, but it also makes me incredibly nervous and I am sure I will feel awful. Not for me, but for Brady. Having another baby around will already rock his world, and I won't be allowed to hold him for as long as it takes to heal? There is no way. No way. Plus, the hematoma can take 3 weeks to heal, or 30. You never know. The nurse practiconer at my OB's office said hers took SIX MONTHS to heal. SIX!

It is why I have thought more and more of trying a VBAC. Like I said before, I am not nowhere near ready for another baby yet, but I do want to be prepared when we do decide that we are. I have done some research on it, and hope it can be a reality but if not, that is ok. I will take things as they come, and hope for the best. That is all I can do.

Happy Half Birthday!!!

Dear Brady,
Today you are six months old. It feels like it was yesterday that we brought you home. Mommy and daddy suck in every second we get to spend with you. All three of us laugh together every single day and we have you to thank for that.

You are such a lovable little guy! You love everyone you meet (except those people wearing scary glasses!) You love to flirt with the girls and are so enthralled by men. You watch Daddy's every move.

You are taking so much in. ! It only takes one time for you to see something and you do it! Grandma made the mistake of showing you how to crawl, and you have done it ever since! Mommy thinks your first word is going to be Target.

That lizard tongue of yours is always hanging out.

You love to hang with the big guys. Daddy too.

You take food seriously.
You get excited at the sight of a bottle, or even a spoon!

You had your FIRST big boy bath in the big bathtub. You were not so sure at first, but starting splashing, all while holding onto the side of the tub! Can't be too careful I guess!You smile lights up a room, and fills our hearts.

Everything goes into your mouth. Everything!

You are so strong! You can sit up for a long time now,

but even though you want to you are not quite ready to get up and go.

You look at things so intently. Books are one of your favorites. Especially ones you can eat!

Mommy already thinks you are going to be a genius!

This is by far your favorite activity. You jump up and down and squeal in delight.

You try to get every part of it in your mouth, and we could watch you play in it for hours!

You stand up so tall and laugh so loud!

Lily (dogs in general) would be your favorite toy hands down, only if she would let you.

She is getting better at understanding that she needs to be gentle with you.

She loves when you puke way more than we do!

You watch her every move and your face lights up with pure joy when she gets near you.

You are doing so many more things! You are experimenting with cause and effect, respond and turn your head when we call your name, laugh at silly games and voices, jump up and down in the exersaucer, roll from front to back, and back to front, eat your feet, move toys from one hand to another, and look for things when they disappear. You roll to your tummy in your crib, and wake up each morning smiling and talking. It is the best part of my day!

If only you could learn that we SLEEP at night.

Brady, I look at you everyday and find 100 more reasons why I am thankful to have you in my life. You have taught me more in six months than I have learned in 31 years. You bring pure joy to our lives and each day only gets better. You make our world complete.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy