Why, Hello.

It's funny that most of my maternity leave has been pretty uneventful and in the span of the last week? Chaos.

We had a pipe break in our kitchen so it's basically a big fat mess. We have to get a new floor put in and cabinets so while we are at it, we'll replace the top ones too. I'm pretty excited about that since we desperately need a way to utilize the space and to get rid of the 1980's cabinets I painted a few years ago.. I can't contain my excitement as we might be able to squeeze in a pantry. You have no idea how amazing that is and how oddly giddy I am about it. Right now, we have no room and with our family growing, we desperately need the space. Oh and this. I am mentally doing a little jig right now if this finds a way into my kitchen.

Then, my laptop broke. My NEW laptop. After spending an hour on the phone while an epic tantrum ensued (because I don't know, his freggin banana broke or some other toddler problem) and Bennett gave his own rundown of the day with my boob in his mouth (his new trick he does when he's overtired which is oddly cute yet can drive you crazy at the same time) they are sending me a new power cord and are probably praying they never hear from me or my kids again.

Then, my coffeemaker (that's only 8 months old,) also knows as my lifeline decided to make coffee flavored water or water flavored coffee, however you want to look at it, it stopped providing me with that sweet elixir known as strong coffee. Thanks to the fabulous customer service at Keurig, my new baby should be here tomorrow.

and thanks to Fed Ex, I got my hopes up as each truck drove by until I rechecked the tracking number to see they changed it up on me last minute. The NERVE, I tell you. The nerve. 

Then, I guess to really make me crazy, my damn pump will be laid to rest soon. The past few weeks, I've noticed my pump just doesn't feel like it's working right so I took it  today to get the vacuum tested and low and behold, the damn thing is on it's way to the graveyard too. No wonder the girls never were to fond it it. That, my friends, will have to be something that we pay for our of pocket since my insurance company sucks and recently removed that as something they cover and the new 'coverage' won't start till January. Double boo.

Whew. Still there?

I am thankful at this point and time for warranties, insurance and any place that sells good coffee. 

So, without a computer, Ben's 2 month post has to wait but I have to say that kid is going to turn me to mush. The smiles? Oh, boy. The kid has dimples too, just like his big brother. I have yet to move him to his crib and the time he's spend in the pack n play has been only a few fleeting moments where he realizes, 'AHHH! I can't see Mommy!'  I think the feeling is mutual that we love co-sleeping which actually is very surprising to me.  I love my space and I never really enjoyed it with Brady because man, that kid was and still is the most restless sleeper but Bennett is a cuddlebug.

The countdown of my remaining maternity leave has begun (two weeks) and I have so many emotions this time. I'm nervous about all the changes to come and how we all will deal with them. I'm worried how I will manage life with two kids and getting anything done, like you know, dinner, laundry and spending time with my boys! I'm most worried abut how Brady will handle it (as hopefully Blake should be back at work then too and he's been at home with him for a while!) and I'm worried how Bennett will do without being attached to my boob. Meanwhile, all while our kitchen will be in demolition! Yikes. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

Sigh.

Thanks to having no coffee maker, I am desperate enough to drag both kids out of the house to get me through the day. We've managed to hit a few different places this week and Brady earned enough 'stickers' (more to come on this because it's been interesting) to get a 'treat' and he picked a doughnut! As we were leaving, I set Bennett's car seat down next to me while I put him in his car seat. Brady looks at me with the uttermost concern and says, "Mommy! You left Bennett in the store!" Thanks for the confidence in my parenting abilities buddy. I mean, I haven't left him anywhere, right? 

Finding peace

Having two kids is a humbling experience. You think you knew what motherhood is all about and then you are given this new little squishy being who throws a big curve-ball.

I can definitely say that my kids at this point in time are night and day. I knew this when I was pregnant  and I joked that this one was going to be a calm baby who loves sleep. So far, my predictions are spot on. Brady was super active while I was pregnant and never stopped moving since he was pulled out! Bennett was a calm inside and he's the most chill baby thus far. We'll see if this all rings true as he gets older.

If I have learned anything through parenting two kids is that individuality is a beautiful thing. I was worried when I was pregnant because I couldn't imagine another child different than Brady.  I know it sounds silly but parenting Brady is all I knew! (Geez, I mean, I was obviously a hormonal pregnant woman because all my fears were just silly.) More than anything, I have learned what is right for Brady is not necessarily right for Bennett. I know there will be years of that and I'm glad I've learned it so early on.


Brady is my big boy. He's sweet, he's very spirited and very much set in his own ways. He's not the best at sleeping but he's got a personality that makes up for anything he throws at us!

With him, feeding was a constant struggle.  It started in the hospital where he would scream when I tried to feed him. We had moments where he would latch on and the next he would just scream. He never slept either. I remember one day where he was up literally for more than 12 hours straight! I laugh at that now because I had no idea how rough those first 8 weeks of motherhood were until Bennett came but now I know that a newborn does actually sleep and sleeps a lot!

When Brady was about two weeks old, I started seeing reflux symptoms and things just continued to go downhill. We supplemented with formula after I struggled to nurse him. He would gulp down the formula, spit up what seemed like the whole bottle and then scream his head off. Things got better once we got him on reflux meds and as he grew out of the newness of life but I never really came to terms with not being able to nurse him. It got easier as he got older but there was still this tiny piece of me that was sad, a piece of me that felt like I let him down. Embarrassing enough, there was also a bitter side to me that has dissipated over time.

I would see other moms who had great experiences giving birth and were up and running around while I was still getting gauze shoved into my stomach and who seemed to feed their baby's with little effort. I would hear others say how they loved breastfeeding and it was so special to them. I hated it. I wondered what the heck was wrong with me as I did not like feeding my child! Every single moment of it. I obviously needed a lot of healing and a lot of coming to terms with how things went. I needed to be okay it all and  I thought I was.

 I thought I had let it all go.

Early on with Brady, there were times that I felt like a failure as a new mom. There were times that tears were shed and frustrations were abundantly found. I couldn't understand why my child was so miserable and took it personal. Everything I read said, "Breast is best,'' and it was like a dagger to my heart. I wasn't giving my child the best. I couldn't give my child the best.

It wasn't till Bennett was born, I felt those inadequacies more than ever BUT it wasn't until Bennett was born that I found complete peace with everything.


Bennett's birth was amazing. He was put on my chest after birth and I was able to feed him right away. He latched on right away and it seems like he never latched off since then. Feeding him has always been so easy. Not to say we haven't had our rough moments because we have and I know we'll have plenty more down the road especially as I return to work. I've had mastitis and now attempt to pinpoint food sensitivities.

I now get it. I get what those moms meant when they say they valued their time breastfeeding. Nursing Bennett is amazing. I'm amazed that my body can solely feed and enable my child to grow and thrive. He's not growing as big and fast as Brady did but he's growing well! Nursing Bennett has allowed me to finally find peace. It's healing me as it is providing him with nourishment and comfort.

Here is the thing I've learned and maybe in the world of mommy wars, other's could too.  Every child is unique and what is best for one is not necessarily best for another.

Brady has had more formula in his life than he has breast milk and that's okay!

That is what was best for him.

He grew and he grew well. He is very bright and is extremely healthy. The kid has only been sick a few times and I can count them on my hands!

Now, Bennett is almost 8 weeks old and have not had a lick of formula. That is what is best for him. 

I am terrified going back to work is going to cause us some trouble but I've been there before and I know whatever outcome, Bennett will be okay. 

and so will his mommy. 

Brotherly Love

I was a bit of a hormonal mess before Bennett was born. In a way, I mourned our family of three even though I was more than excited and ready for our family to grow! I was nervous about all the changes but more for Brady than I was for myself. I had times where I felt guilty that I was about to turn his life upside down or that I wouldn't be able to give him the time/attention I could before.

I kinda laugh now at how dramatic I was about it because for him, this transition has been a piece of cake and I think it's because he has loved his brother since the moment he laid eyes on him. Not to say we haven't had our rough moments because we have. There was a time or ten hundred where he just purely acted out because he wanted mommy or out of pure boredom because having a brand new baby doesn't make lots of time for outings especially when it's 110 outside.

He never once complained or showed any resentment against all the changes or the little being who brought it all.

He has only shown him love. Lots of it.

Sometimes, it's too much and I have to remind him that baby needs his own space but I can't help but smile when I see him running to him every moment he can.

This has been the one of the best things about adding to our family and I can't wait to watch their relationship grow.

Every morning, he runs in to see Bennett and in the most high pitched voice and screams, "HI, BABY!"

Over the weekend, while we were out and about, he tells a lady, 'We have a baby (which he tells EVERYONE he meets!) and he's SO cute."

Proud mommy moment right there.

He's very proud of his little brother and that makes for a proud mommy.

He's also said that Bennett is very beautiful, 'so fresh and clean', and pretty but the thing he says that gets me every time is "I love you, baby!"

A few weeks ago, I ran out of the room and Bennett started crying. Brady ran up to him and goes, "It's okay. I'm here. I love you!"

I'll have to remind them of these moments when they are fighting over the same toy or even the same girl one day, right?

Being a mom of two

Being a new mom, I remember my heart and my head swirling with so many emotions. I have so much to say and this time, I find myself at a loss for words sometimes. It's just all so amazing, surreal, exhausting and full of dirty diapers! When I was pregnant with Bennett, one of my biggest worries was that I had no idea how I was going to love two kids. I remember looking at Brady and my heart would fill up. I would find myself feeling guilty for all the changes that were to come but I would not know the unconditional love he would have for his brother and how much he loves having him in our family. (Oh, I have a whole post on this!)

 I've always heard that when you have more children, you love them the same and your heart grows.

It's true but it's not. 

You do love them the same but you love them differently. 

Brady is my first baby. I know him. I have had almost 3 years to get to know ever single thing about him. I know what makes him tick, I know what makes him laugh out loud and what makes him smile. I know what he wants when others have a hard time understanding him. I love that sometimes, he only wants his momma. I love that he is so quirky. I know that he loves "eatmeal' in the mornings and likes to eat noodles with a spoon.

 I just love him. 

 I love being his mom. 

I don't have that history with Bennett, yet. It will come but I love him just as much. I don't know how to explain it but I do. I love his smell and the sounds he makes while he is nursing. I love how he looks at me and how he stops crying as soon as I pick him up. I love the squishy faces he makes as he stretches.

I just love him.

 I love being his mom. 

I know I'm only 6 weeks into this 'mom of two' thing and I know things will always change. Love will change. Needs will change. Comfort will change.

There will be ups and downs, skinned-knees and band-aids, jealousy and sibling rivalry and lots of laundry. 

One thing will always remain the same.

I will always love being their mom.

always. 

The longest week ever.

Whew. The past week has been a blur but I feel it slowing down some.

Blake's eye surgery went well. He can now see as good as he could before. It was a long day of the surgery since we got there at noon and didn't leave till 430. Luckily, we had a sitter for Brady and I spent a lot of time in the car feeding Bennett which left me some entertainment.

 Side note: the eye surgery center? The worlds smallest office ever and the busiest. Who knew so many people had eye surgery! I kept leaving to walk around the building even though it was 100 degrees out because I was feeling claustrophobic!

The actual surgery was less than 30 minutes but the waiting for the doctor took forever! He was in a lot of pain up until yesterday so I let him rest and felt a bit like a single mom for those few days, exhausting!

Monday, Bennett has his 1 month check up. He is growing well, up 2 pounds to 8.5 (he was down to 6.6 when we left the hospital) and grew an inch! Poor babe got a shot and then had to have his blood drawn for the thyroid test. He was such a trooper though. Cried for a little bit and then just got annoyed the lady had to hold his foot.

They called us yesterday with the results and they are pretty good. When he was tested in the hospital, his levels were 26 and Monday, they were 4. His doctor said that is a good sign that they are dropping and we will retest in two weeks to make sure they are still okay.

I was happy till she dropped another bomb on me.

Apparently, his newborn screening brought back something else.

His hemoglobin test came back abnormal. Apparently, we have normal red blood cells and babies have fetal cells too but he also had some unspecified cells. Well, it could mean nothing, which she said in most cases rings true or it could mean something else.

That is where the confusion sets in. She explained to me but I still didn't quite get what it means in terms of how it could affect him. I've done some research and there are a ton of different things that it could be and most of them don't cause any issues. The screening results also recommended he be retested between 3-6 months and also both Blake and I be tested. I guess we could be carriers and I have no idea what it all means but we will talk about it more in depth at his next visit.

Ugh. I am hoping that since we don't need to be tested for a few months that it's not worry-some but as a mom, it's there.

So, we shall wait and see.

Until then, I look at this and find myself in hysterics.

I.can't.stop.laughing!

Bennett {One month}

(a week late, I see this happening a lot!)

My sweet boy, I can't believe it's already been a whole month since we've been blessed with you in our lives. Get used to me saying that as I'm sure it will be said at least once a month, if not hundreds.

Your 1 month check up is coming soon but Mommy weighed you yesterday and you are almost 9 pounds, which I laugh at because you're brother was over 10 pounds by now. At birth you were 7 pounds even. You had lost some weight and were down to 6 pds 8 oz but by a week old, you were up to 6pd 12 oz. So, I"m glad you are finally starting to put some weight on and I think I see some chunk developing. You are SO long though. You're newborn clothes are getting harder to snap and some outfits a size up fit really well.

You are starting to be awake more often and more alert. You like to hang out with us in the morning and right after dinner. You no longer scream during bath time either! 

This also comes with a price. You no longer want to nap/sleep anywhere else but on/with mommy or in a carrier. Sigh.

You are not a fan of car rides, just like your brother. You scream and scream. Eventually, you'll fall asleep but dare we stop? Oh my!

You have the curliest hair, which I love to see tighten up after a bath. They are so sweet.

I can't get enough of your cheeks. I kiss them 100 times a day!

Your eyes get me too bubba but both your daddy and I swear you have some big ol' feet and man sized hands!

Sleep is pretty much all over the place but you have a sort of 'rough draft' schedule. We usually wake up between 6-6:30 depending on when your big brother decides to run in and wake us both up. Sometimes, we are lucky enough that he'll go hang out with Daddy and we'll sleep in a bit longer. You'll usually nap on/off till around lunch time, waking just to eat and then I'm usually lucky enough to get you both down for a nap in the afternoon. Bedtime is still up in the air but you usually give me a good 4-5 hour stretch, then usually every 2-3 hours after that. I've noticed after bath nights, you give me a much longer stretch! I love those nights!

You are still a rockstar at nursing. You usually eat every 2 hours sometimes 1.5, sometimes 3 but you're usually a solid 2. I love hearing your little sighs and noises you make while you eat and how you'll look up at me. It's a time I enjoy with you my little man.

It's amazing the relationship I see budding between you and your bother. He loves to talk to you, cuddles you, kiss you. He get's so excited when you wake up he screams, "He's awake! He's awake' which in turn usually wakes you up! He loves you to pieces though, he called you, "lovely'' this morning which made me smile. I can't wait to see this grow!


One month buddy. One month and our lives are already changed. I say this with much truth that you are so loved by so many. I can't wait to see what's to come for you!

This week

This week has been a mess. On Monday, Blake woke up and could not see out of his right eye. When he was a kid, he had cataracts which of course if abnormal for a kid to have! He had lens implants put in at 8 and on the other eye at 22. When he woke up, he couldn't see anything. His other eye can only see up close. We had no idea what had caused it and it was pretty scary to think he might not be able to see again. He can't drive, watch TV....not really much at all!

Yesterday, he had surgery as the lens had shifted and they stitched it back into place. He has a follow-up today and we should know if it worked!

Today, I get a letter in the mail from Dept of Health saying that Bennett's newborn screening came back abnormal for hypothyroidism.  It does say it was borderline so I'm praying it was just a fluke. He gets retested on Monday!

The poor kid will already needs surgery sometime after he is 6 months (most likely in December) to fix something on his little boy parts, which I thought was going to be a procedure similar to circumcision. I was way off, it's more than that. He will have to go under and it's at least an hour surgery. My heart breaks just thinking of that. Plus, he won't be able to eat before the surgery and I can't imagine not being able to feed him.

I foresee some sort of adult beverage in my future. STAT.

And lots of cuddles with my two favorite little boys. I think almost anything can be cured by that.
 Oh, and watching Brady talk to Bennett, which I need to get on video!

We managed to have some fun though and I am glad to finally be getting out and about! I took both kids out by myself! We started the week off at Monkey Joe's (one of those bouncy places) and Brady had a blast. I was shocked to see how brave he was and he was so proud of himself. Bennett slept peacefully in the Boba (which we love!) the entire time.

We then had a 'picnic in the car' thanks to mommy picking the worst place on earth to grab a quick lunch (the place was so small, open and there was NO place to change diapers!) Brady thought it was a  fun experience as he got to eat in the front seat while Bennett has his lunch too.

Today, it was only 79 when we hit our local nature reserve and took a fun little walk (attempt to get Mommy moving and to wear out Brady!) and then went inside where they have lots of fun things to do/see!

So, let's hoping next week starts out the way this week ended, with more fun!

One of those numbered posts

I have so many posts started but my brain doesn't seem to want to complete whole thoughts lately.

1. I have a whole post coming on this but having two kids is still a foreign thing to me. I love it and while it's not as rough as I expected, it's not easy. It helps both kids are cute and I can say that unemployment has helped my sanity to have a helping hand most days...but I'd trade my sanity to get him a job.

2. Little man is a month old already. Post coming but man..time slow down!

3. Brady came up to me today telling me he was teaching Bennett how to sing. This morning, he was handing out kisses. 'One for you, one for the baby! Everyone gets kisses!' Gosh, I love that kid.  

4. Then, later on after taking about how he is a big boy and how big boys use the potty, I'm convinced this child who requests we change his diaper, will be in diapers a lot longer. His response was basically that he has no desire to use the bathroom and that Bennett wears diapers like him. I'm in no rush but man, it would be nice not to have TWO kids in diapers.

5. I forget how much I loathe the pump. I started last week and I already want to break it. Brady ran around with the parts the other day 'watering' his toys. In his little imagination, it was a watering can.

6. Post baby body during the summer sucks. Nuff said.

7. I'm not ready for this kid to grow up at all but I kinda wish he'd settle into some sort of schedule but I have to remind myself, hey, he's only a month old!

8. How do you now look at this face and fall in love? Little man is one month old today...I know I'll be saying this a lot but man, times flies. 

Yep. Not possible

9. This kid loves to be worn. I ordered a Boba 3g (thanks to some amazon gift cards I've been saving!) and got it today. Can't wait to get some use out of it! The moby has been a lifesaver so far and I wish I had tried out a soft carrier with Brady (he was not a fan of the moby or slings!)

10. I'm having major, "I don't wanna go back to work' blues already. I could go on with the reasons but when you're not happy at a job, it's not easy to go back when you have twice the reason to be home but I remember from last time, the build up was way worse for me. Not that I didn't miss him but thinking about it was way worse. Though, we still have to find child care (long story on this!) and I have to get these girls to pump more than 1/2 an ounce at a time...oh and find MORE time to pump. Any suggestions? Tips? Sympathies? :)

I love these boys. 

Bennett: 2 weeks!

Oh my sweet baby boy.

As I write this, you are peacefully sleeping. I look over at you and I'm amazed. You have fit into this family so effortlessly and even though it's only been two weeks, we feel like you've been in our lives forever. I can't help but look at you and Brady and just feel a magnitude of emotions. I don't want to forget a moment of how life is at this moment and I'm trying to soak it all in.

 Your brother loves you so much. The first thing he asks about when he wakes up is you and what you are doing. He loves to touch you, give you kisses and just help out with you. He's my biggest helper and I have to say, I'm proud of the brother he's becoming.

You are ever so sweet my boy. You're a bit of a light sleeper sometimes and I joke, you need to learn to sleep a bit deeper especially as you're brother is running around acting like a freight train. You about scared mommy to death the other night when you slept for almost SIX hours! I woke up in a fret and you were just sleeping away peacefully.

There was a 24 hour period last Friday where mommy got a bit exhausted because you wanted to eat.all.day! I got a bit worried hoping you were developing reflux like you brother (mommma is a bit paranoid about his, ok!) and the next day you went back to you sleepy self.

Nursing is going so well that I'm afraid to say that since we are only two weeks in but you haven't had a lick of formula and momma is pretty shocked at how well it's going.  I went into it with no expectations and I think that helped. I do have to say, how much I love those big ol' lips of yours, they are so stinking cute and kissable. You smiled in your sleep yesterday a big smile and I think I caught glimpse of a dimple!

The weather has been ridiculous as in yesterday, it hit a record temp of 108 so we've been stuck inside but enjoying our time together as a family. It's bit hard on me since I'm used to going all the time but since Daddy is still home, we are savoring it as we know this much time together is precious and will be hard to gather when you are older.

I can't wait to see what kind of personality you'll develop as you grow. We love you to pieces.

12 days

This is a bit of a bitterswseet 'milestone' for me.

When Brady was 12 days old, I had to leave him and go back to the hospital, not once but twice. I remember feeling my incision gush with blood and not knowing what was about to come. I had to leave my tiny little precious baby to spend time in the hospital! I still remember sobbing on the way to the hospital, telling Blake I was just fine and didn't need to go. I cried while I was there and begged to go home, despite being this close to needing a blood transfusion. That feeling I remember was enough to push me for that VBAC. It was enough to give myself and my boys a chance, which is exactly what I told my nurse while I was in labor.

But...here we are 12 days post-partum and doing great, given we have a big case of cabin fever and a bit tired from feeding a baby all day and night but those are expected and given the big picture, we are so grateful.

So, this time, I get to witness moments like this that make my heart swoon.

I love the way he is looking at Brady. I'm pretty sure he already thinks that Brady hung the moon.

and I get to stare at this sweet face and keep him close to me.

Bennett's First Days

 Amazing. Exhausting.

That is how I can describe it the 2nd go around.

Let me start by saying, I know we are not even a week in and that I'm afraid I'm going to jinx it but it's amazing how different it is this time around. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I've done this before with a very colicky, fussy baby and due to the fact that I was able to get my VBAC. At this point with Brady, we had just come home. I was sore, I was pale, had no appetite and struggled to do much of anything. Add in a baby who cried a lot and struggled to feed.

I have more energy. I did laundry the 2nd day I came home! The baby blues are almost nonexisitant and it might be because I'm still on a high from his birth so I'm waiting for a big ugly cry, ha! Really though, I am just over the moon!

Bennett is just amazing. He sleeps well, he nurses well and he's just perfect. We had a  few rough moments in terms of nursing but since then we have been back on track! He is a bit jaundiced so we are monitoring him for that and he also has something called, hypospadias. Basically, the opening of the urethra is on the underside rather than middle so we have an appointment in two weeks with a Urologist to have a very minor procedure done to fix it. It sprays a bit different and I learned that today when he peed all over me!

I joke about how different they boys are because Brady, well, he just never liked to sleep and nursing was a struggle. They are right when they say you love both kids equally but differently. I never really understood how you could until now. It's amazing to see them together too.

Brady is doing far better than I'd ever imagine. He's not jealous or anything yet and loves this baby as much as we do. He calls him, "my baby!'' and seeing him with his brother melts my heart. It's nothing short of perfect. He'll get up and say, "I wanna give him a kiss!' or "I want to touch him!'' He'll just come up and give him a kiss for no reason.

Ask Brady what the baby eats and he'll tell you, "Nipples!'' You gotta love that kid! Now for lots of pictures!

I'm telling you, most kissable, squishy lips!

Long wrinkly fingers. He has the longest toes I've ever seen too.

He's almost a split image of Brady here.

That's about sums it up for his first few days home. Happiness, sleepy and overjoyed. 

The Birth of Bennett Scott

Bennett Scott was welcomed into our family on June 15th at 2:50 pm weighing 7 pounds even and 20.5 inches long. A peanut compared to his big brother.

I need to get his birth story out before I forget any moment of this difficult and amazing journey. One that lasted 36 hours and 50 minutes.

Weds night (June 13) about 1:00 am, I woke up. I could not fall back to sleep. I tossed, I turned. I was hot, I was shivering. Within the next hour, the BH had gotten more intense. Within the next few hours, I had lost my mucus plug and was having real contractions! I was in denial because you know, that's how I roll. 

Fast forward to noon when they are anywhere from 5-10 minutes apart so we took a little trip to L&D. I sat there and was monitored for many, many hours. My contractions were 1-7 minutes a part but I was still stuck at barely one measly cm and the contractions were not as strong as they could be. I laugh at this now because those were nothing compared for what was to come but how would I know since I never felt a single one with Brady! 

After long consideration, we left. Between my doctor, the nurse and us, we felt like if we had stayed, I would be right back in the OR. It's good to feel supported. 

I was upset. I felt defeated especially when one of the nurses mentioned keeping my appointment for NEXT Friday with my doctor but I still a bit hopeful. 

We came home, ate, walked, did laundry, vacuumed, bounced on the ball and I finally decided that after being up for 30 hours, I needed sleep. Around 11:30, I was awaken by some pretty nasty contractions. They proceeded to get longer and way more intense. By 2:30, I could not take it anymore and we headed back to the hospital. The contractions were 1-3 apart and about 10 on the pain scale.

I was worried they were going to send me home and I was in pain that I could not manage. They were so intense I could barely breathe through them and nothing helped me during them.  I knew I had to of made progress, I mean I was in pure hell. Then, that feeling crept back.  I felt defeat. 1 cm. ONE?

 I looked at Blake and I said through tears, 'all of this, for nothing. I'm going to the OR, I just know it.'

 I couldn't go home and at that point, I think I considered a c-section. They finally admitted me and it was decided that between the lack of sleep and my constant contractions, my body needed to relax. The uterus is a muscle and it wears out so it made perfect sense which is probably why after my nap at home, I woke up to such intense contractions. At this point, I was probably so worn out the contractions were not doing much even though they were so intense. The nurse warned me that this could all set me up for another c-section since nothing else could be done to help me.

I got stuck 10 times. Yes, 10 to get an iv in place and blood was taken to check my platelets since they've been on the low side. We got to the hospital around 3 and I was getting my epi around 5:30-6. Once the epi took effect, I felt good.

Around 7, I was at 1.5. Progress!

7:30 they came to break my water but found not had it only already broke but I was FOUR cm. I asked the doctor to repeat herself probably 10 times because I could NOT believe it. FOUR. With Brady, I barely made it to 2! I was shocked. I was excited but worried to get my hopes up at this time.

The nurse put me on my side in an ackward position that basically cradled me around the baby. This was to help move the baby down and I have to say, it worked. I give a lot of credit to my nurse who was the most amazing woman and I don't think any of what was about to happen would have been possible without her help and encouragement, I wouldn't be where I am now. We went from side to side every 20-30 for the next 5 plus hours.

8:30: 7

Blake had been asleep and I woke him up to tell him the good news. He looked at me so confused. He later told me, I went to sleep and I wake up and all of a sudden everything is happening!

9:30 9

By 11:30, I was ready to push. In less than 5 hours, I had gone from 1 cm to fully complete. I guess the epidural was what I needed after all!

My doctor is out of town on vacation so the other doctor in the practice would be delivering. She was on her way to the hospital and had to deliver another baby first. I waited. Waited and waited.

My nerves set in. I was thinking this was a big dream and I'd wake up in the OR. I was nervous about all the risks involved with a VBAC or worse, that the baby would get stuck or something and I'd have to have another c-section.

1:30 I started pushing while the doctor finished up the other delivery. Pushing sucks and was way harder than I thought it would be. I laugh at that comment myself so feel free to do so. It sucked more than I imagined since my epi had worn off and I felt every.single.thing.

The entire time, I pushed I did it remembering the hell I went through after Brady's birth and after the hernia surgery. I did it for Brady. I did it for Bennett but most of all, I did it for me. I was so tired but I knew I couldn't give up now.

After about an hour and a half of pushing at 2:50, he came into this world with a tiny cry and was placed on my chest. Dr. K first said, "Amy, you did it!" and I immediately cried tears or joy. I held that squishy, slimy bundle of joy and cried.


That moment is one I will never forget. Never. It was the a defining moment of pure exhilaration, relief, love and accomplishment. It was a feeling I can never really explain.

I DID IT. I did it. I.did.it!

I was probably in shock for most of the first hour afterwards. I mean I could never imagine this would actually happen. I got a local while she stitched me up (OUCH!)  and waited to hear how my baby was doing. He was perfect. Perfect. No NICU. I got to nurse him right away (um, he rocks at that too by the way!)

I think about 10 different nurses and staff had came in to tell me what a great job I did and that brought me to tears again. I felt so amazingly blessed. NOONE thought I would make it, really, no one!

I cannot explain to you the difference in how I feel. I'm really exhausted and worn out. I think I've got a handful of sleep in the past two days and my body feels like it was run over by a truck, especially my back but I can walk around. I can hold my baby without pain.

I have to say, I know he's not even 24 hours old yet but he's amazing. The kid slept 4 hours last night. FOUR. He nurses like a champ. He has the sweetest cry and these pouty lips that make you weak in the knees. He reminds me of Brady in a way but has his own look.

Thank you God. I am beyond blessed. I think I've said this over a 100 times but really, I am. I just keep thanking God for this new life he has given us and even though the journey to get him here was difficult, it was all worth it.

The time I briefly considered tackling another mom.

I have a very confident, outgoing and energetic kid who has a large personality. While I may be a bit biased, I'm very happy he is that way. Growing up, Blake was very shy. I was very much like Brady but had a shy side as well. It's something I love about him and love that he's so confident in who he is and pray he can keep that confidence through life. What parent wouldn't want that for their child?

I took Brady to the park this evening in hopes to get him worn out and to get us out of the house for a bit. It's a small park and it's one of the parks we go to because it's close to our house. It was pretty crowded when we got there after dinner which I was hoping we would avoid so that anyone could potentially ask me questions about when this kid is coming out (because at the moment, it's my least favorite question!)

Brady was being a typical rambunctious two year old running around. He was being a bit leery going down the slide and he wanted me to hold his hand as he went down the slide, which he normally doesn't do. I kept saying how he was being silly today while he was talking up a storm to himself or the other kids there. He was being a bit 'bossy' to another kid telling him to go down 'that slide!"  Meanwhile, a woman was near us with her son who probably about two as well, maybe a bit younger than Brady. We had been there a while and my child was by far the most talkative. That's just my kid. What can I say, he takes after his momma?

The mom asked me how old he was and I responded, "2 1/2''
 She looked at me like I had 4 heads and goes, 'oh, wow, he's tall.''
Me: yes, he's always been on the tall side'
Lady: "do you homeschool him?"
Me: I look at her confused because well, he's two! I mentioned he might go to preschool in the fall but he usually spends his week with his grandparents and our sitter.
Lady: 'oh, that's probably why he's different.'

She walks away after her kid and I sat there speechless.

I sat there for a minute processing what she had just said. For a half-second, thought nothing of it. Then, my 39 week pregnant self who is already crabby envisioned myself tackling her in a very unladylike way.

The more I thought about it, the more I found myself angered. It wasn't because she said something about my child but more so that she felt the need to say it. We live in a world where everything is judged by everyone, especially parenting. I have never understood this part of motherhood and I don't think any of us enjoy it so why does it continue?

I thought about going over to her and but I let it go because really, it was just a random comment and I could care less what others think of my parenting skills or what kind of choices I make as a parent. I am confident in the parent that I am and there is no one that could make me second guess what kind of mom I am. Two and a half years later, I can say that but I know not all moms can say that with sheer confidence.  I am sure that two years ago, I would have been offended or upset but her comment but instead, I took it as a compliment.

My kid is different. I've done my job as a mom to instill confidence and individuality into my son and I'm proud of that. Different is good.

Later on, I read this. It sums it up all too well when she says, "I'm a parent who tries."

Exactly.

38 weeks: Frustration

My appointment had some highs and lows this week and I'm left a bit frustrated.

High? Um, seeing my baby boy. Though, it did leave us questionable whose kid he was as though he slightly resembled Brady, he looked a lot like he came from another family. It's not the best time for an ultrasound at this point and he is super squished in there so maybe that has something to do with it so I'm curious to see what he looks like once he is here! The more I look at Brady's newborn pictures though, I see more of a resemblance.

He had the hiccups most of the time and would not move those hands away from his face for most of the ultrasound. He is all snuggled up in there and oh man. Love. 

He's got some squishy cheeks though and I just wanna kiss them! He is estimated about 7 pounds and I've technically got 2 weeks left according to my OB's due date (which I know is either 4-6 days off if you go by conception date.) and she will let me go the last week in June (which I'm praying does not happen because I might lose it) to try to get this baby out without a c-section.

The bad stuff: My BP was up, which I never had an issue with Brady. She wasn't so concerned that I won't be back before next Weds but if it continues to go up, another c-section it will be. I wasn't spilling protein and everything else is looking good but I'm frustrated after that having a much easier pregnancy with less issues (gained less weight, swelled way less and have no fluid issues like I did with Brady!) that my BP will a big factor here. I wasn't any further dilated either but he was more engaged so at least something is going on and explains why walking is no fun.

I have debated this back and forth but after the BP debacle, she felt it was better for me to start my maternity leave now. I'm excited to spend some time with Brady and Blake before he comes and our world gets a bit crazy but I really hope he doesn't make us wait a while to meet him.

So.... frustrated. That is where this momma is right now and I think I'll drown myself in some Rocky Road since wine isn't an option.

Unjunk Your Junk Food!

We eat pretty healthy in our house. I don't normally but a lot of processed crap, well, I have been more so lately as I the baby must have them but I recently read a book that really opened my eyes in more ways than one. 

Unjunk Your Junk Food: Healthy Alternatives To Conventional Snacks does just that in help you enjoy your favorite foods but give you better alternatives with more recognizable ingredients. Most of the time, we look at the Nutrition label but ignore the ingredients, which I have found myself doing more often since Brady was born. Sometimes, I don't read the ingredients because I assume that what I'm buying is ok but I can't do that anymore! 

Brady is obsessed with these. I assumed, dumbly that they were okay since well, they are made from 'Yogurt' and raisins! Well, one of the first ingredients is Partially hydrogenated oil (a trans fat!) and also has Titanium dioxide(a possible carcinogen!) as well as an artificial vanilla flavor. Here I thought, I was giving my kid something decent...ugh!


What I took most from this book was what to look for on my own as well. They nailed down 'The Scary Seven' ingredients we really need to avoid! 

1.  HFCS: High-Fructose Corn Syrup (AKA glucose-fructose in Canada)
2. TRANS-FATS: Anything listed as ‘partially hydrogenated’ or ‘hydrogenated’ (includes vegetable shortening)
3.  MSG: Monosodium glutamate
4. ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS: Any artificial flavoring
5. ARTIFICIAL COLORS: Any type of artificial dyes;
6. ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS: Chemical sweeteners including Aspartame, Splenda (sucralose), Ace-K (Acesulfame Potassium), Saccharine, etc.
7.  PRESERVATIVES: Polysorbate 60, 65 & 80, TBHQ, Sodium Benzoate, BHA, BHT, Sulfur Dioxide (sulfites).

"You don’t have to give up the foods you love, just give up the toxic ingredients. Take the junk out of your junk food."

The Edible (R)evolution is a 4 step process:

Step 1:     Take the ‘Worst Ingredients’ chart along with your shopping list on your next trip to the grocery store
Step 2:     Before you blindly toss a food product into your cart, read its entire list of ingredients (even before you read the nutrition panel)
Step 3:     Refer to the ‘Worst Ingredients’ chart as well as the glossary in Unjunk Your Junk Food to make sure you understand the meaning of EVERY single ingredient listed on the label
Step 4:     Decide whether or not the ingredients in the product you’re holding are what you want to purchase and put into your body. If not, use Unjunk Your Junk Food to help guide you to comparable products with cleaner ingredients

Unjunk your Junk Food can be found at most retail sellers including Amazon and Barnes and Noble or check out Naturally Savvy for more information. 

Disclosure: I was given this book to read as part of this review but the thoughts and opinions are all my own.

My little blessing

I've posted here and there that we have decided on a name. I wasn't being secretive but wanted to make sure we were 100% sure before I posted and Brady isn't always the easier to understand so now I'm sharing. I have a hard time making decisions and this being a life changing one, I had to be sure.

The first thing I did when we solidified his name was order brother shirts. When I saw these I knew they were perfect. If you can recall, Brady is obsessed with trash trucks and all things trash. His eyes lit up so bright when I showed it to him! I literally tear up thinking about them wearing them or Brady walking into the hospital to meet his little bother.

Bennett Scott

We were not looking for a B name by any means but once we found it, we felt it was right. Then, I looked up the meaning and I was sold.

His name means blessed.

 After all that we have endured the past few years and in the beginning of this pregnancy when I didn't think we'd make it this far, I think it's perfectly fitting for him. Scott will be his middle name after my Brother-in-law who passed last March.

Now, we just need him to be here!

Come out, baby!

I think someone is just as eager to get this baby out as much as I am!

This and that

1. Holy crap. I can now say I 'm due this month, like which is really soon!

2. Still job hunting here. He had one job that we thought would work out but too much didn't work out. Plus, he was told he was expected to only take off a day or two for the baby's birth. I have faith but being I'm less than a few weeks away from my due date, it's kinda scary! We have a fantastic support team so I'm thankful for that and have to remind myself of that when I start to freak out or get upset I have to put some things on hold (like family photos!)

3. My big boy is growing up. The past few nights, he has asked me to close his door at bedtime. He used to give me hugs and kisses and remind me to 'keep the door open!' but alas, no more. Sigh.

4. I'm officially a crabby pregnant lady (if you couldn't tell by my last post!) My hips and pubic bone hurt so bad, some days I can barely walk. I'm tired of pepole asking me when my last day at work is or whatever the question of the day is. I most definitely was not this cranky towards the end with Brady. It's hard because I really want to enjoy these last moments of pregnancy as I never know it could be my last!

5. In the same tone, I'm excited to have another little boy. People ask, "do you know what you're having?'' and many times I get, "oh, at least you have everything you need,'' or "you can try for a girl next time!" What? That drives me crazy. I have always pictured myself with boys and am beyond blessed to have another. It literally brings me to tears to picture my boys together and I just can't wait.

6. I have an appointment and an ultrasound this Friday. I can't wait to see him again because at our anatomy scan(s) we didn't get a single good shot of him so I hope we can get a good glimpse. I'm curious to see his 'estimated' size as well even though I know they can be off. At least it was off for Brady but I think it's more so because he was long with long arms/legs.

7. I'm so done with work, it's not funny. I think the past few days, I've basically checked out which is SO unlike me but I'm ready to be at home with my boys for the summer, which can I tell you how excited I am for that? I just hope it won't be like last time and we can enjoy ourselves!!!

8. My dear son asked me this morning who cut off my pee pee. Yep.

9. I thought the 'curious' age wasn't till much later? I swear he asks me 'Why' or "What is that' or "What do we call that' or "What's that for?' at least 100 times a day. It's cute though because you can tell he's just curious.

10. I know they go in phases but last month, I thought I was going to have a serious monster on my hands soon but the past few weeks, he has turned into a well-behaved, sweet little boy. I hope I didn't jinx myself but I love it. I love hearing him say, "I just love you! I LOVE YOU!" over and over. You would think it gets old but it NEVER does. It always feels like the first time I hear it.

Oh and I just can't wait to hold my squishy baby!!!!!!

It's about time: An open letter

To the man in line at the store on Friday,
No, I do not in fact have a basketball in there, that would just be weird. Let's see, I'm at the store probably for the same damn reason you are, I needed something. Oh, what will I do if I go into labor right here? Oh, let's see, uh, buy the damn stuff I went to the store for in the first place. It's OK, I'm on the same page as you, I do not want your help delivering this baby either so you're off the hook for that but thanks for the non-offer!
The very pregnant lady in line.
p.s. I really feel sorry for your wife especially since I see that you have two kids of your own so you should know better.
p.s.s. You're really lucky I had my hands full with a package of overnight diapers because if I had something a bit more sturdy, I would have hurled it at your face.

To my coworker,
Why, yes, I'm working up to the end of my pregnancy. Thank you for asking my other coworkers who sit near me what they will do if I go into labor because you know, it's not like I'll be lucid or anything. Plus, you know, the whole 24+ hours I was in labor with Brady? I'm sure I'll just have the baby right here in my cubical. Thanks for the concern and yes, they do know what hospital I plan on going to.
Your coworker.

To my sweet baby boy,
You have a few days left and then you will officially be inside longer than your big brother. I just wanted to let you know that you do have your entire life to one-up Brady so please do not start now. I say this in the most loving and urgent way possible.
Your very eager and uncomfortable momma.

Dear Brady,
First of all, if the sun is not up, that means you are supposed to sleep. 5:15 am is not a proper wake up time. You will have plenty to wake you up here shortly so get the rest while you can. Trust me.
oh, and no, you may not juggle your little brother.
Your mommy

Dear world;
I have two weeks left until my due date. It's a boy. Yes, he has a name. Yes, we are excited and yes, I'm ready. Yes, Brady is excited. Yes, Brady is ready for him to come and no he doesn't want him to sleep in the garage, yet. No, there is just one baby in there. No, I'm not going to have the baby right here. Yes, I'm still pregnant. I mean have any of you ever seen a pregnant woman before?
Sincerely,
Me
p.s. Just dont' talk to me. Ok. You're better off.


Dear self;
Oh, Amy, you're almost there. Try to enjoy these last moments and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I know it's not easy and everyone on the world is on your last, struggling nerve right now but just think of the sleep you'll be missing out on soon. Oh wait, you're not sleeping well now are you. Ok, well, never mind. I tried.
Your own attempt at being positive

A lil giveaway: Honey Bunches of Oats

I love cereal. This pregnancy, to say I've been obsessed is a bit of an understatement. The past few weeks, I've eaten a bowl for breakfast and then had another one before bed. What can I say, this kid loves cereal as much as I do! Well, except today. At work, I went to the kitchen to grab my milk and it was gone. GONE! I'll just say, don't mess with a hungry pregnant woman's food, for real! No, I'm still not over it.

So, this morning, I went without my Honey Bunches of Oats, which made for a very crabby pregnant lady. As much as I love cereal, I wanted it to be as healthy as can be but also satisfy my sweet cravings. I searched to find a cereal that was low in sugar and made with Whole Grains. Then, I rediscovered Honey Bunches of Oats and found they had improved it. With 10 grams of Whole Grains per serving and only 6 grams of sugar, (3 grams lower than Honey Nut Cheerio's!) I haven't looked back since.

I'm excited to giveaway some boxes for you!

To enter:
 Tell me what your favorite flavor of Honey Bunches of Oats! Are you a fan of hte original Honey Roasted? Want almonds? Strawberries or Pecans?

Want an extra entry? Like Honey Bunches of Oats Facebook page!  While you are there, they have a $1 off coupon for you!

Pending, I am not in labor, you have until Friday, June 8th to enter and I'll pick a winner on June 9th!





Disclosure: Post provided a free sample of their Honey Bunches of Oats-Honey Roasted so I could review them. My opinions are 100% my own because I really do love this cereal.