11 months: One more month!

Dear Brady;

Oh buddy, I can't believe it but in a month you will have your FIRST birthday It's bittersweet for me. You're growing up so fast but you are doing so many new and amazing things! You've had an exciting 10th month, little man.

 You really took off this month--as in walking! You've taken steps here and there then a few weeks ago, you just kept going and going and going! Now, you basically walk everywhere. There is a lot of crashing but you just get up and try, try again! The look of accomplishment and determination in your eyes is priceless!

You said your first words. Cat and dog! Of course those were YOUR first words as any type of animal makes you grin from ear to ear!


You will try and repeat a lot of what we say to you. You say 'Dad' with an emphasis on the 'D' and you that 'T' in Cat!

You are so smart and learn things so quickly. You try to put mommy's shoes on her feet, brush you hair and give the sweetest kisses-real kisses complete with smacking! Those of course are my favorite!

You put that tongue out when you are trying hard to do something or to just be silly!

 

Your favorite thing to do is to play in the kitchen while mommy is cleaning or cooking dinner. You have your own special drawer full of fun spoons, containers. You love to open and close the cabinet doors and put stuff in the oven drawer.

    

I find some interesting stuff in silly places! A ball in your snack cup, blocks in my sock drawer and even shoes in the oven drawer!

 

 You play so hard and really are getting creative with it. You have learned that cars go back and forth and love to drive them all over the floor! You love the gumball machine and will put lots of fun stuff in there! You still love books and have really started enjoying listening to the stories. We still read Goodnight Moon every night and give kisses to the kitties!

A few of your favorite things right now are bubbles, mommy and daddy, eating (spaghetti, broccoli, pita bread, hummus and anything in the form of cheese are favorites,) dropping stuff out of your crib, gumball machine, your animal puzzle and bubble baths! You also LOVE to carry around BIG stuff (pillows, stuff animals and blankets) You walk around with them and just laugh!!

You raise you arm up in the air when we say, 'arms UP' or to show us how big you are! My favorite though is when you raise them up for me to pick you up.

You have turned into such a cuddle monster.  You lay with us in the mornings while you drink a bottle. You still rub my arm, your clothes or mine, or blankets when you are sleepy or drinking your bottle. You just started playing with your hair and you look so peaceful. You recently started just laying in my arms while you wake up after naps and it's part of my day I look forward to!

You are such a little ham. The expressions you make and the sounds that come out of you are truly priceless. You now have a confused look and lots of other silly faces. This just cracks me up.


You still growl and you 'bark' when you hear a dog or the cat meows. Your whole entire face lights up at the sight of any animal.

You like to get messy! You had your first smoothie--you loved it but how mommy made it? Now, that you did NOT care for! When mommy uses the blender or the food processor, i have to hold you and you lay your head on my shoulder. You know your safe and I love comforting you!


Now, the vacuum? You are not a big fan either!

Your curiosity is truly a blessed thing to watch. You find humor in the simple things and look so intently at the smallest details.


We love to watch you discover new things and you pick up on things so quickly!

You are always full of big dimply smiles. It is one of the thousands of things I love about you, your ability to always brighten someones day or to liven a room. Even the older people at the grocery store get a kick out of you and it is always what others say about you first (besides how handsome you are!) We love your sweet smile and love how it brightens OUR lives!

Sometimes I look at you and find you no longer look like a baby but a big boy and I can see who you'll be at 5 or 10. It used to make me sad to see you grow so fast and in a way it still does but I look forward to the future and all milestones and firsts that are to come!

Brady, you truly radiate sunshine into our lives! 

You have NO idea how the past year has changed us and how happy you have made us!

You are the LIGHT of our lives

The first year: Not your typical advice, part one.

Motherhood: Mom, a parent, a caregiver, a boo-boo kisser, a butt wiper, disciplinarian, a multi-tasker, a chef, part-time maid, full-time toilet washer, a mechanical bouncer, poo target, a teacher, a leader, a role model, a source of nourishment, a source of life.

I can almost say that I've made it through the first year (insert big fat tears) as a new parent. Sure, we had some rough times and we had some times where I wondered if I would ever contemplate doing this again but in the end, I look back and I actually can not wait to do it again (not soon, ok, so don't let your thoughts think that!)

I look back and of course think, 'oh, i could have done that differently,' but really parenting is a learn as you go kinda of thing. Books, other moms, doctors...they are all there to give you a little help but your own instincts? Those are what will always lead us in the right direction.

I knew that being a mom would change me and I knew that I'd love my child but you never understand how much till you have that child in your arms or you see them reach out for you. It's a feeling that words cannot express. There is not a word in the English dictionary that can come close to encompassing that feeling. Trust me, I've looked!

The rough parts are rough. I've been upfront and honest about that. We cried our way through those first four months, lived in puke for months 4-6, and those sleepless months 6-8 when he decided he needed to grow 6 teeth and wake up hourly.

As a wise momma friend tells me when things get tough, 'this too shall pass.' She's right, it did. Let that be your mantra. It's just a phase this too shall pass.

When people ask me for advice about being a new mom, I really don't know what to say. Like I said before, a word to describe motherhood doesn't exist. You can tell them that you'll miss sleep, or you won't be able to remember what you did 5 minutes ago or even that teething is comparable to hell on earth but I don't. Did I even listen those horror stories myself?  I was too busy freaking out about birthing a giant hairy child. I nodded and smiled like the polite uncomfortable pregnant woman but the truth is you have to learn as you go.

Then, there is the whole 'no two babies are the same' mindset I've come to terms with. Yes, come to terms with!! When Brady was 4 months old and still waking up numerous times at night and I heard of other moms with babies his same age that have been sleeping through the night since they were in the womb, it like rubbing salt in the wound. I had to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't Jane Smith's baby. He was MY child. He'll sleep when HE is ready. That is a hard thing to accept at 3 am when you have to be up in a few hours to drive an hour to work and then put in 8 hours at the office.

Guess what? He slept when HE was ready! (Even though it did take him 10 1/2 months to do so!)

We all have our own fingerprints. We come from different wombs. Different  families and backgrounds.

So, then why do we compare our children to other's? My child rolled from back to stomach first. The books said he'd roll from tummy to back first. Those books written by expertss and the world wide web of information that only exists to freak mommies out are just a loose guide. They also don't tell you what to do when your newborn sleeps for a whopping 30 minutes a day or when there is projectile poo flying in the air.

So, mommies out there, remember your child writes their own book. Babies will interpret is the way they want to. We all go at our own pace in life. Crawling at 10 months or running at 9 months is perfect for that child. Perfect. Don't ever doubt that and remember those instincts I mentioned? Trust them. They know.

Mine told me that something wasn't right. A baby shouldn't arch his back in sheer discomfort or scream for hours at end and when I was told that it was just 'colic', my mommy instincts kicked in hard!

Gosh darn. Guess what?

<-----this mommy was right!

Parenthood is funny in the way there is no right way to do it and no wrong way to be a parent.  Do not get caught up in the whole war on mommy thing. It can eat you alive if you let it. Run fast from any negativity.

I think that might be the biggest downfall to motherhood. We do what we feel is best for our child. Believe in your choices and trust them. Trust yourself as a mom. I know that is one of the hardest things to do when sometimes you feel at the opposite end of right and you can't get your child to stop crying.

The best thing I found during hard times other than wine is mommies who have been there. At least they can remind you when times are tough that you are doing the right thing because it's hard to loose track sometimes. To teach you a few things or you cry with you. Find a mommy or two, or 8 that you trust. If you need one, come find me, I'm pretty nice :) and thanks to the world wide webs, mommies are very accessible these days.

So, after all of this, just trust yourself. You are more valuable than anything else out there. Parenting is the most difficult, lowest-paying and at times, disgusting job but also the most amazing one out there full of indescribable emotions, perfect moments, heart-bursting scenes and tiniest creature that can make you want to move mountains.

Enjoy it.

Never say NEVER!

Lesson 1 of Parenthood: Never say never.

You will eat your words faster than your child can fill a diaper.

Watch how I learned:

She said she doesn't have time to shower? I will not be one of those moms, how hard can it be?
Reality: Inserting foot into mouth.
End result: Finding time to take a peace pee or drink some peace coffee is deemed a vacation.

I'll get SO much done on maternity leave!
Reality: Ha ha ha. Insert fussy refluxy baby who doesn't sleep. EVER!
End result: A shower and brushed teeth =very accomplished day!

No solids till at least 6 months!
Reality: Brady had reflux and a good spoonful of solids was supposed to help a bit. I would have tried anything at that point to make food stay down and his belly comforted.
End result: Orange puke.

I would exclusively breastfeed my child until at least 6 months
Reality: My boobs=uncooperative.
End Result: He is still being fed and growing like a weed!

My kid will not watch TV!
Reality: I caved because watching him watch the little man dance on TV makes his eyes bright and the corners of his mouth turn up.
End result: A bit of dancing to the music!

Babies in my bed? Right...
Reality: The only possible way for this child to sleep the first 4 months.
End result: Happy momma, happy baby!

My child will NEVER throw fits like that!
Reality: My child throws fits in the grocery store after lacerating a package of goat cheese with his vampire teeth.
End Result: I wasn't embarrassed and only half the store stared at us.

My house will NEVER turn into a daycare
Reality: Toys= distraction for a separation anxiety ridden, leg clinging baby and a mom with a full bladder.
End result: Mom might not have to add more kegals into her almost non-existing workout routine.

I will have an amazing birth and that first moment will be amazing.
Reality: Baby did not come out of there, it came out of there. Things got crazy, things got scary.
End Result: First moment was a day late yet still amazing and a beautiful memory.

Parenting can't be that hard.
Reality: Lack of sleep+ fussy baby+lots of puke+working full-time=half crazed, meeting forgetting, milk stained, full-time wearer of ponytails, and bags under eyes sporting mom.
End Result: Wouldn't trade any sleepless night, puked on shirt or those bags under my eyes for anything!

Save my cookie!

In case you are not one of the 600 people I've already shown, here's my baby boy walking! As you can see, he makes sure he never drops his darn cookie! Oh, and please disregard my annoying mommy voice! I have been trying to capture steps for a week and dead batteries and uncooperative children got in my way so I was super excited! :)

(and excuse those stupid black bars. I have no clue why they are there. Maybe because I had to rotate it?)

Fingerprint

I entered Paper Momma's photo challenge this week. The challenge 'fingerprints'. I chose this picture of his chubby little digits not only because they are cute but because that was our perfect day. He had a blast in this water. He's still be there if I would have let him stay! Every night at bath time he grabs the water like he just did it for the first time!

Little bitty bits of awesomeness

Brady is officially talking! On Saturday, he said loud and clear to me, "CAT'' after she walked past us! His tiny little voice melts my heart. It's so fascinating and amazing to me that my once tiny little baby is associating words with things!! He tries to repeat everything you say now. He also says 'duck, dog, dad' and I know there are a few other words he is trying to say. He almost has picked up on 'all done' when I sign it. I know I say this often but really cannot believe how fast he has grown! It's amazing how fast these little ones pick up on things!

Guess, I need to REALLY watch my mouth now, huh. No more sailor talk.

We had only a few nights where he woke up once or so but I think I can safely say that we are definitely on the road to officially sleeping through the NIGHT! It's been almost of month of nights where he has mostly STTN! Some might say, it's about damn time. Me? I call it a mere miracle!

I have said before that Brady has taken a few steps but this kid WALKED across the room last night! Of course, every form of media that could document  this momentous occasion had a dead battery! AHH! Alas, he walked. I didn't miss it and it's awesome!

 I had a moment though. A BIG teary moment. My baby is not quite such a baby anymore. {{sigh}}

How much they grow in just a few weeks.....

(running to make sure I charged the camera, video camera AND cell phone!)

Birthday inspiration!

Even though I am emotionally NOT ready for Brady to turn ONE, I am more than thrilled about having a party for him. To celebrate his birth, celebrate his life and to celebrate that 'oh, hell yes! WE made it through the first year!!!

Every day we read, One Fish, Two Fish by Dr. Seuss. He laughs EVERYTIME I say, One fish, two fish....so THAT is our theme!

First things, first. Tell me these shoes are not freaking ADORABLE?

by converse.

 Too bad I can't find anyone that had his size.

I wanted to have something as a keepsake because in our families, first birthdays are a big deal. So, each guest will write a message or something to him in, 'Happy Birthday To You!"

found on etsy, seller wburley74

Adorable cupcakes. Kara's Party Ideas (great website for any kind of party!)

Esty seller-Sissy Britches

Love that little outfit! Too bad he has a fall birthday :)

(etsy seller: laurawheatley)

Lots of Blue and Red!

I'm pretty excited! I need to get busy! I'm going to try to DIY what I can and though I have NO time, I'm hoping I get to! First Birthday's are pretty big in our families and I just cannot wait to share this special occasion with everyone!

 Then, I'm going to cry. Lots and lots of tears.

PTFBD

I read this article today and it made me laugh. I STILL hear the imaginary crying.

And about a month into the colic — a point when I was hearing imaginary crying babies fairly regularly — I said to her, “I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. We should think about getting some pot.” Thankfully, I reconsidered that after imagining dropping my crying baby after a few too many bong hits.

Now, I never considered anything harder (too tired to think that creatively) than a economy sized bottle of wine but found myself self passed out after opening the bottle and simply pouring the glass.

But a hangover with colic — that’s like giving yourself colic.

Even though Brady's fussiness was attributed to reflux we were told told at one point that Brady had 'some colic.' He's right, medical professionals (and we love ours) do not know much about it and people shrug off a fussy baby as just that--just a fussy baby.
 
A fussy baby...no matter the cause is stressful and he's right, babies don't remember it but mom and dad? Oh hell yes, they do. Well, after they come out of the haze of sleepless nights and PTFBD (Post-Traumatic Fussy Baby Disorder.)

Thinking to the future, of course we will worry that we imaginary baby 2.0 will be born screaming and cursing  at us till he/she is 2 but we know we'll be just fine. Been there. Done that.

As long as imaginary baby 2.0 doesn't spit fire or crab walk on the ceiling, we can handle it. We're old pros, lol.

It's moments like this

There are some days when you find yourself on repeat.

There are days when you feel like all you have accomplished in the span of the day was preventing your child from eating more than 5 pieces of dog food.

Days that the laundry or the dishes seem to tower over you.

Times when you want to yell at someone or trip over a toy.

Night that the dog's baby waking bark sounds at midnight.

Then, there are moments you find yourself in.

Those are the moments that you never want to let go.

Cuddles at the end of a long day.

Smiles when you walk in the door after a long hard day at work.

The first time he looks at you and says, 'ma-ma' and knows he is talking to you.

Then, there are days when things just feel so right.

You look down at him and say, 'I love you' and he looks up at you with those big blue eyes of his.

He gives you this look that says 'I know.'

You ask for a kiss.

Then, he gives you a big, open mouthed one.

He looks up at you so intently, so full of expression and emotion like he wants to tell you, 'i love you too, momma'

He wraps his chubby little fingers around you and lays his sweet face on your shoulder.

It's moments like this.

It is all for moments like this.

Yopliat Winner!

I wanted to use Brady again but that wasn't working out this time. :)

So.....anyway. The winner (I used random.org to pick a winner!)

Result:
6


katherinemary said...
Cari's favorite is Chockit Moose. ;)
We love the Whips. YUM.

Congrats!!!

Good things. Good things.

• I am afraid I'm going to jinx this but I have to shout it out from the damn rooftops, I am so excited over this you have no idea. If you read this blog, you know my kid is not the greatest sleeper. Let me say that out of the past 9 days, he has STTN for SEVEN of them!!! This is nothing short of miraculous as just a month or two ago we were going through the newborn stuff all over again. I hope that this means he is on his way to doing this for good but I cannot tell you how good it feels to actually sleep. I woke up this am feeling great! He might be ten months old and just now getting the whole sleep thing but it is a fabulous feeling. I just hope no more teeth decide to come out and ruin this awesome streak we have had.


• I have something brewing and I could really use some good thoughts to make it work! I'll post soon hopefully with a tiny bit of good news!


• Brady has been taking more and more steps each day. The past week, he has really taken off in this area. I think we'll see some walking soon!!!!


• I will post the winner of the giveaway later today, if you want, you can still enter today before 5 pm!


• I came the realization yesterday that his birthday is NEXT MONTH. I cannot believe it. I have a post coming soon for that. I am beyond excited of it and you have idea. I am though not excited that my baby boy is growing up so fast.



• I haven't posted much about our new bike riding adventures. We have been pretty good about going at least 3x a week. Brady loves it. He sits in the trailer and sings. We try to get at least 8-10 miles in and sometimes he falls asleep. He especially loves when we pass dog walkers! Plus, we got a pretty good deal on one at Target on clearance.
  
  
• I'm also getting excited about Halloween! Last year, we had JUST come home from the hospital. This year, we are going to get to dress up and I'm excited! Plus, I'm ready for cooler weather too :) and anything pumpkin.
  
  
• I'm also already thinking about Christmas. I'm so excited for any holiday now and I'm pretty excited for this holiday season!!!
  
  
• Brady is at the most perfect age. Except one thing. I mentioned in his 10 month post, he has started, well, throwing fits. Mostly, I find them funny and I ignore them but I am lucky to have a child that will hold his breath. He did it when he was a newborn and it was scary! Now, I just blow in his face and we move on. Let me tell you one thing...grocery shopping after 7 pm is not a good idea. He was so mad I took away the goat cheese that he did the breath holding and then let out the loudest scream ever. Now, I know what parents feel like when their kid does something like. I know it was because he was tired and getting close to bedtime but I can't help but laugh that he got so upset over a package of goat cheese. :) Only my kid.
  
  
• Like I said, I am loving this age. He started to cuddle which he never would do. He constantly wants to go, go, go, but sometimes he'll take a second when I'm holding him to put his little head on my shoulder....and I love it. Besides that....he can follow one-step directions. I told him to give the kitties a kiss (in the book we were reading) and he did! Now, he does it when we read the book...and I just LOVE it. Ah. Love him.
  
  

Our perfect day

There are some days that are just perfect.

You wake up with a smile on your face and you feel good.

It's going to be a good day.

and then it actually IS one.

Friday was that day for us.

I took the day off and it was a special day just for the two of us.

Just mommy and Brady. We called it Mommy Baby day!

We went to the zoo on an nice late summer day.
Rode the Choo-Choo!
Watched the cutest baby elephant play in the water.

He laughed at the bears, chuckled at the Penguins and belly laughed with the kitty cats (or as people know them as Tigers).

Took a milk break.

Said hello to some friends.

Some of them waved back.

He's confused because there is a blanket that keeps moving. OH! Now, that makes sense! There is a MONKEY under there, mama!!

Watched an Alpaca try to eat some metal.

Brady of course, laughed as he did at every.single.animal.

Momma FAILED at taking a picture of the two of us.

He had the most amazing time playing in the water.

He laughed at the other kids and wanted to run right along with them.

Drops of water on fat baby fingers.

Smiles and laughter that meant he was truly in his element and having fun!

It is times like these that I want to hold onto forever.

Times like these that need to happen more often, to happen slower and be appreciated so much more.

We (meaning I) walked a lot.

I didn't care. Nor did I care that I got all wet, my dressing dragging from the water and dirt.

We laughed. We ate lunch together. We talked and he sang.

Mommy didn't leave and go to work. Mommy stayed and played all day long.

Brady got a stuffed monkey........ and mommy got amazing memories.

That was our perfect day.

I think we'll be doing that more often.

When life gets too busy and we feel it passing us by, we'll take a moment and stop.

Take a break from all the hustle and bustle and take time to laugh and smile.

Take time to play.

Take time just to be.

Take time for extra cuddles.

Take times for just you and me!

Ten months

Dear Brady;

Oh little man! What a month we have had! We had so much fun, it flew by! Looking at you now, you have grown up so much in the past month and I cannot believe you will be a year old in just two short months. You are doing some big things in the sleep department and I think you are on your way to some big time stuff in that arena!

We went to the park and you had a blast! You loved the animals but the swing was by far your favorite!

You smile every time you saw an animal. We think you are going to be a zoologist when you grow up! :)



Besides you love for animals, you have a love for life. So many people you know and so many people that love you see you as this beam of light, this happy little soul. Always full of smiles. They are right. Everything makes you smile and laugh out loud in that cute little laugh full of excitement.
Your laughter fills the room and our hearts. Chase and tickles make that smile bigger and those laughs deeper. You have the deepest dimples and I love to see them as I know that means you are happy!

You are silly and curious. You think things through before you act sometimes or look at mom with that sly smile of yours and carry on.

You have managed to find your voice. You make almost any noise we do and you make it right back. Your favorite is the growl and you think it's pretty funny. You have also started to think that throwing little fits will get you what you want. You did a pretty little number for the ladies at the grocery store the other day when mommy wouldn't let you chew on a package of Goat cheese of all things. At least we know you have good taste.

You have the most gorgeous hair. Sorry, kid. I had to say it. You have these curls and I love them. They compliment your dimples. I'm sure you'll say, 'geez mom' when you are older or something cooler than old people like mom and dad say but I think you are the most adorable little man and those curls (though they are wild, like you) make my heart melt!

You are so sweet and kind when you need to be and rambunctious and all boy the rest of the time. You love to get dirty and watch things work. Sometimes your eyes look like they are concentrating so hard and taking notes. Mommy swears it is because you are a genius :)

(Look at my guns ma!)

You are a mommas boy through and through. I call you my little shadow as you follow me everywhere you go. You have even managed to call for me a few times but when I ask you, you pretend that never happened. You give kisses and are turning more into a cuddle bug everyday.

When you get up from a nap, sometimes you like to sit on mom's lap and just lay there or you'll put your head on my shoulder. Mommy loves these times and she captures a still frame in her mind to never forget moments like this.

You are growing so fast.

Boy are you fast. You have even taken a few steps here and there. Each time, mommy and daddy hold our breaths, thinking this will be the time you start to run away! It is coming soon and I can't wait to watch you go! You are constantly on the go and sometimes I need a catch my breath to keep up with you.....and one eye is always on you.

You make 'childproof' seem like just some made up word. You have managed to pull those outlet covers right out. You also find the floor vents to be pretty awesome. Like I said, curious.

You are learning so much my little man. Your new favorite thing is give and take. You share your cracker or your veggies. More with the dog than mommy but you are willing to share if I dare ask.

Every Monday and Tuesday, you go to Nana and Papa's house and Chief is your favorite toy they have there. He lets you roll over him and pounce on him. He is so gentle with you, kissing your face all over. You love every second of it....even though mommy wants to take you right to the bath tub!

Little man, sometimes I look at you and my heart hurts. Not in a bad way but the most amazing way because I feel so blessed. This picture does it for me. So sweet. So peaceful. The way you hold your hands together.

Sometimes, I see a little bit of shyness in you, a little bit of unsureness and you look at me for a bit of reassurance. That is all you need to carry on and times like those make me realize that you are growing up so fast. It seemed to happen in an instant and each day is a new adventure. A new adventure we will go through and I will reflect on and remember.

I love you kiddo!

Yoplait Giveaway!

I've said it before but we really like yogurt around this house. Eat it plain, freeze it for a yummy summer treat, and we even bake with it (yummy recipe coming soon!)

Thanks to Yopliat Whips and my blog spark, I was able to try Yoplait whips and I don't know where I have been and why I haven't tried this sooner! We freezed a few and they were fantastic!! You can freeze them and just take them out a few minutes before you plan to eat them...and enjoy!

Yoplait Whips! yogurt is currently available in nine delectable flavors - Chocolate Mousse, Chocolate Raspberry, Key Lime Pie, Lemon Burst, Orange Créme, Peaches `N Cream, Raspberry Mousse, Strawberry Mist, and Vanilla Créme.

Thanks to Blog Spark, I have another fabulous giveaway!

You will get a lunch bag, coupon for your own Yoplait whips and these adorable ice cream cone molds!!

You can follow Yoplait on facebook or twitter too!

To win:

Just tell me what flavor you would try first! Enter FAST by Wenesday Sept 1st!

The information, prize pack and yogurt was to me from Yoplait and My Blog Spark . The opinons are my own and i was no compensated for this post. I just like yogurt.

<------currently in denial

My kid certainly is NOT ten months old today.

Nope.



No way.

My baby is still a tiny, itty bitty baby. Not a TEN month old.

Nope. I refuse to accept it.

Thanks, blogger for sucking last night and not allowing me to upload any photos so I don't have to fully accept and come to terms with the fact that my baby is now ten months old.

Regular posting will continue once this mommy accepts reality.

A timeline cannot be put on this as all mom's may not accept reality at the same pace. This mom has just begun to accept the ninth month so it might be a while.

How I remain remotely sane (at least for now)

I'm all about keeping it real around here. My life is obviously not full of puppy dogs and rainbows so I'll be honest about anything, and if you couldn't' tell life has been crazy. If you read my last post, you probably can tell I'm just frazzled. Work has been really busy, hectic and very trying. With budget cuts we are dealing with less resources and more the piles of work get bigger. I try to be positive but things are really bad at work right now in the current state that we are (no raises in the past 3 years, constant cuts on our benefits and health insurance) so it's hard to stay positive in that respect. Add in the fact that they moved us while I was on maternity leave and added 50 more miles a day to my commute and I'm just done.

I've been looking for a solution (new job) but there is not a lot out there. So, I stay here until something does come up and I try to stay positive (or sane.) I know I should just be thankful I have a job but there are days (like today) that I think about leaving and not coming back! (Don't we all??) The thing that keeps me here is flexibility (ahem..for that little one.)

I mentioned that we have a family friend watching Brady a few days a week. I know I had mentioned daycare and luckily (or not lucky?) we didn't have to put him in one. We interviewed a few of them and I didn't feel right about either of them (call it intuition) and we were in a huge bind already with no one to watch him and she came to the rescue for the time being.

I'm happy to have her but like I said, the social aspect sucks. I'm working on a solution to that. In a perfect world, I'd find a job closer so that I can work 4 ten hour days or a job that pays enough that I can work less hours :) We will see......or maybe I'll just win the lottery. Wonder which one will pan out first...ha!

I think that as a working mom...as a mom in general, we do get caught up in trying to do everything for everyone. I have to remind myself that I can't and it's okay if I let Blake fold the towels and he does it wrong (control freak...I admit it!!!) It's okay (even though I might dream about it) to let the dishes stay dirty. I admit it took me a while to let other people take over in caring for Brady. I had to let go of the feeling that they were not doing it the way I did even though their way worked and was just as good. I had to let go.....and I think as mother's that is the hardest thing for us to do.

So, in the meantime, I have found small solutions to tide me over. Small band-aids to keep me sane.

• Time is going way too fast and my child is going to be 10 months old--TOMORROW. In that, I decided that every now and then (hopefully more than less) I'll take a day off and spend it with my little man. He needs that and so do I! This Friday, he has his last rabies shot (A-FREAKING-MEN!) in the morning and we are going to spend the rest of it at the zoo! I tried not to take any days off that I don't need as I want to save up for our next baby but I think that this is one of those exceptions to the rule. Take time and enjoy because they grow up too fast.
• Don't take work home with you. I leave my frustrations at the door and snuggles and playtime are in order for the rest of the day! This is really hard on some days but I remember that I am not paid enough to take it home and that my family comes first.
• Take time for yourself. Even if it's 15 minutes at the end of the day, you need some time to unwind and prepare for the next day of insanity. I recently starting reading again and even though I might pass out in the book, the 15 minutes I get at the end of the day make me feel a bit more sane/refreshed then the night before.
• Accept help. I am not one to take for help even in dire circumstances. I can do it all. I am sure of it (ha, I laugh at that now!). Last Sunday, after months of awful nights and no sleep (thanks to the teething monster and the frienemy called separation anxiety) and more than nine months of broken sleep, I caved. Blake said that I must be tired to let him go but I did. He had his FIRST sleepover at Grandma's and he practically slept through the night for her (go figure!!) The next day, I felt refreshed and ready to take on the world. We both needed it. Since then, he has slept through the night TWICE and longer stretches.

So, that is my advice ladies (and gentleman?) Take a breath, take time for yourself, and smell the roses (or dirty diapers!)

Finding balance

I have been back at work for eight months now. Between Blake's schedule and my own, and an active nine month old, life can be hectic.

Some days I feel like I have adjusted and I have things under control. Some days I feel like I am treading water. That is the only way I can describe it and I can't keep my head above water. I just can't seem to get everything done. Most of my phone calls to friends are in the car to and from work. There just isn't time some days for anything else. I try to make time for friends and social occasions (hmmm..friends and babies that is a whole other post in itself) but that means other things have to be cut. Weekends fly by and we are all exhausted by the end of each day. I am always exhausted (guess it would help if this kid decided to actually sleep at night.)

In a perfect world, I would be a SAHM but that is not in the cards for us right now (but I am playing one big lottery sized card but that isn't working out so far.) I try to find perks besides the whole financial aspect but some days I am left without any and others I can muster up at least one. I know that by working I am providing for him by putting clothes on is back, a roof over his head and food in his belly but I often find myself wondering, is that enough? Then again, as long as he has love and feels it THAT should be enough, right?

Lately, I have been in a funk. Brady is so interactive, fun, and growing up before my eyes. He is going to be one in a few months (TWO!!!) I'm terrified I'm going to miss his first steps. Even though I have basically threatened both my MIL and a family friend who has been watching him (ok, well not really but I used a lot of big words) to tell me nothing but I know they are going to slip up.

I obviously miss a big chunk of his day. By the time I get home, sometimes I get 2 hours with him, sometimes 4..sometimes 1. That is obviously the hardest.

I also feel constantly guilty (there that damn G word is again) especially when he holds his hands up while in the sitter's arm reaching out for me. Talk about ripping my heart out. He is so attached to me (i mean literally attached, sometimes I wonder if the cord was cut) that I know separation is good for both of us but watching him watch me leave him is pretty much awful. (Did you follow that?)

Then, there is the whole social aspect (or the lack of.) MIL and our family friend watch him which is awesome but that means NO social interaction for him. I hold back tears as I write that because I watch him watch other kids and his eyes light up. Most playgroups and activities are during the week and that just sucks. The weekends are mad crazy for us half the time so where do I fit in time for that too?

I hate to sound so discouraging especially to those who just went back to work and while it is difficult, believe it or not, there are some perks! I won't say it gets easier; you just get used to it. He is developing so much from being away from me and our family friend has taught him so much already. (The little hand motion he makes when he 'rolls it out' is beyond adorable!) He loves being with other people and they are able to give him constant one-on-one attention he craves and desires. He is bonding with other people other than mommy and daddy. Working gives me adult interaction and a social outlet other than poop, milk and boo-boo's. Looking that it that way, it is win-win!

I sometimes wonder when or if I will find the right balance. Is there a secret I don't know about because if there is I want in on it. How can you make laundry disappear? or the dishes to wash themselves or dinner miraculously made when you get home? Now, THOSE are secrets I need to find out....

At the end of the day, my guilt is subsided when I get home. I walk in to see the biggest smile on his face and literally the loudest baby belly chuckle. He crawls to me and I pick him up and squeeze him so hard while he wraps his arms around me and I feel all is right. This is what makes it all worth it. This is what I rush home for. This is my reward for the sacrifice I make.

So, on my quest to achieve some sort of balance, I want to hear from other mommies.

How do you find balance between work, your child(ren), household stuff, and you social life?

Oh, and you have the secret to any of this.....please divulge. My dishes certainly do NOT wash themselves.

The saga continues

(Way more thrilled than I was to be there. Hey, they had fishies!)

It has been a long damn week and luckily it is Friday (the 13th!)

I spent all day on the phone with Brady's doctor and Children's Hospital. It was a process (meaning I had to talk to the Communicable Diseases Dept several times, fun!) to get this all figured out but we eventually decided to vaccinate him.

The CDC recommends any child who has been in an area with a bat while sleeping get the shot. The CDC knows their stuff along withe Children's Hospital (one of the best!) so we felt confident this was the right choice even though it still didn't want to have to do it.

I was so nervous for him. I didn't know what to expect since everyone kept telling me that the shots were awful. I didn't want to do that to my child but if there was even a small chance of this causing Brady to get sick and have something that is not curable, I had to do it.

He is such an amazing little boy. You have no idea how proud and amazed I was at this little boy. It brings tears to my eyes to think about (which is small compared to what all these other sick kids at the hospital have to go though all the time and that hurts me for them and their mommies!)

They weighed him and measured him (22 1/2 pounds, 30 inches tall (90% percentile!) The dr talked to us about the process and then looked him over. She asked him to open his mouth and he did!!! He sat there quietly while she looked in his ears/nose/eyes like he was a pro at this. She laughed because she said, 'well, I was going to ask about development but I can see he is doing great!' Then, asked him if he was sure he was only 9 months. Made momma smile and he loved the attention! He went right to her! I think he might have gone home with her had I let him!

She had to hold him down for the first shot. It was an immunoglobulin which gives him antibodies he would need to fight off rabies. It was a very large dose but luckily for him he is young so he needs less than say I would (I would need 3-4 shots possibly.)

That meant a looooong big poke. He cried... hard. I wanted to pick him up and tell him I was sorry. The 2nd poke was quick, thankfully!

I took it hard because I know this was something he didn't HAVE to have per say. I know it was for his own safety but this one was different somehow. I know the whole situation was in no way my fault but I felt a sense of guilt that I cannot shake.

Afterwards, she brought him THREE stickers which he thoroughly enjoyed (um, they have puppies on them, that was the highlight of his day) and asked if he could have a sucker.

(Trying to decide what is more awesome, this tasty sucker or this tasty sticker of my favorite thing-doggies!!!)


Normally, I am a food snob when it comes to him and I said, "he can have whatever he wants."

If he could have talked and asked for a pony, I would have ran out and got him one.

I am such a sucker. Speaking of, I was given one too! :)

(Not gonna let this go. I had to later wrangle it from him!)

It's something about a piece of life that you cannot control to put a lot into prospective.

I am more than thankful that our trip to this hospital is going to be short lived. It made me think of all the kids there that have to go for the reasons they could. I saw a new mommy bringing pumped milk to her baby, a kid with an IV, and kids who might just be there for something like we were. There are so many sick kids in this world and I have to pat all the mommy's and daddy's on the back. You deserve a medal for anything you have to go through and I would hug you if I could.

Holy crap.

Oh holy hell of a day. I can only sum it up by saying that this is what TV shows are made of. I am starting to think my life might be good reality tv because I can't even make crap up like this.

My niece was watching Brady yesterday. She texted me earlier asking if we had a bird because she keeps hearing this screeching noise. Great. Issue #1.

Then, I get a phone call from her while I am in the meeting. Normally, I don't answer but knowing she is with Brady and she doesn't call unless it's something, so I did.

She saw a bat. The damn bat. Not sure if it's THE (which coincidentally was about the same time of year) bat from last year but I didn't give a crap I just left as fast as I could and drove home like a maniac.

On my way home, she calls again.

'Amy, don't freak out when I tell you this (all i am thinking is the damn bat ate my baby....) but there are cops in your driveway, and all over the place trying to find your neighbor.' Awesome. Issue #2.

Back story: Next store neighbor has been acting weird. He's been banging in his garage at all hours (and his garage backs up to Brady's room) of the night. I found out his wife was sick so I let him be even though he was waking up Brady many times each week. He stopped for a while and then the past week, things were getting weird again and what seemed like half his life was sitting in his truck.

I pull up to see cops and an ambulance all over my neighborhood. I wanted to throw up. I was going to be one of those mom's who would get arrested trying to get into where they were telling me not to go. Luckily for me, they let me go into my house. I ran in scooped up my baby and watched the drama unfold. The neighbor came out hands up and they talked to him for a while. Everyone left and I rested a bit easier until there was a knock on my door.

Holy crap! I had to answer it because he saw me peek out the door. It was him.

He then tells me his side of the story and he wants me to take him to the hospital to get evaluated by a psychiatrist. I looked at my niece who is just as freaked out and he told me to think about it and he'll be outside doing whatever it is he has been doing the past week.

My car was across the street (there were 2 cop cars in my driveway) so I had my niece run and drive it around the block to park it in the garage. Then, we all made a mad dash and got the hell out of there. I literally felt like I was running for my life and like I was doing something wrong (damn social worker in me) for running but I was not about to put my child at risk.

I came home later to find him hooking up his trailer with everything possible attached to his truck and a few of my neighbors outside. He was driving to Kansas, apparently but in no shape to do so. I actually believe one of my other neighbors reported his license.

They have lived in our subdivision for 25 years since it was built. I feel awful for what he is going through and I hope he gets help but that was literally the scariest crap I have ever seen. Men with loaded guns on my yard, and under our deck with my baby inside. The poor kids across the street who love to go to his house when he's working outside saw it and are obviously traumatized. So, he's gone for now. How long? Who knows.

Then, I get a phone call today from a nurse at St. Luke's informing me on rabies and babies. Apparently, St. Louis has had 8 rabid bats reported so far this summer and we are a hot spot for the ugly suckers. So, now I have to decide if I should vaccinate my child or not.

Having a child puts all this into prospective for me and makes it all so much more complicated. I worry about him and of course my first priority is to keep him safe but why vaccinate him with FOUR rounds of shots if he doesn't have to have it. I have no clue what to do. We have a few pest control companies coming out and I guess we'll go from there.

So, if you are still here after that long drawn out craziness of my life, I applaud you, ha ha but seriously all I can say is at least there is never a dull moment. :)

I am fighting back!

This is one of those posts that I have tried to write and I just stop. I know a lot of you have mentioned that I am always so positive after we have been through so much. How do I do it? To be honest, some it is out of pure denial. I have bad days. I have a lot of them and some days the only way to get through it was to focus on what good there is in life. To hug my baby a thousand times more that day. To run through the sprinklers or bike through nature.

To not sit idle and let life pass me by.

To me, it is the best way I can pay tribute to those I have lost.

The past six months have taught me more that a lifetime of lessons. Appreciate what you have. If you love someone, tell them. Life is short. Life matters more than things matter. I could go on.
After Matt died and then both of my grandmother's deaths, reality hit hard.

Life is short.

It can be taken away at any moment.

Love, embrace, and celebrate the time that you are here.

Then, my brother (Type 1) and dad (Type 2) were diagnosed with Diabetes. My life changed again. I made my family's health a priority (another post to come about that) and vowed to teach my son healthy eating habits. We started working out and eating in.

Then, last week a friend of mine was diagnosed with stage 2 Breast Cancer. I stopped in my tracks. She is relatively young, just got married last year and was hoping to get pregnant. Now a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and egg storage will be in her future.

I got mad. Mad because all this awful, horrible, tragic stuff keeps happening to good people.

It's not fair.

Life is not fair but I already knew that. My once naive self told me that.

I put on my big girl pants, and I got back up. You can get knocked down again and again and get yourself back up.

I refuse to pout and refuse to let something I can't control take over.

I can be there. I can take action. We can take action!

So, each month, I'll be posting something in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness. I will be doing monthly exams, and hope you will too.

While you are at it, please send some prayers for her. It's going to be a long, hard road and she could use any extra prayers you have not used up from me already!

CSN strikes again!

I posted about CSN before and I am in dire need of some dining room furniture. We have awesome table that is a hand-me down from my grandma but we have no chairs. Yes..living room table and no chairs. It's like PB without the J....

I remembered CSN from the giveaway I did recently and found that they have dining room furniture.

Later that night, I went to repack the diaper bag and found it covered in sunscreen. There was a massive explosion and that stuff does not come out. When they say waterproof, they mean it!

When I was on CSN earlier that day looking at dining room chairs, I remembered they have diaper bags too! They really saved the day!

I was debating between this one and another but I fell in LOVE with this one and I can't wait to get it. Review to come!

Helicopter momma

In College, I worked at a preschool. In my classroom, I had a wide range of kids with different abilities. One kid I will probably never forget had a trach tube, and another kid who liked to pull it out. There were several times I had to reinsert the tube into the neck of a flailing child who was turning blue (I had him from time he was 1-3) so he could breath.

I shook like a leaf and was scared out of my mind but I did it and I remained calm. Somehow.

When I graduated, I was a nanny for five kids. During a trip to a 'mommy and me' class, one of the little guys got his finger stuff in a gate and it was nearly severed off. Somehow I remained calm. I was in total shock but I remained calm in what I needed to do.

Now, I have my own child. I am relaxed about a lot of things but I have realized that when it comes to my own child, I am more than protective. I feel a maternal urge deep into my soul to protect him. To keep him safe. To hold him close.

As he is growing independence, it is something I find myself worrying about on a daily basis. What if he falls and hits his head? What if he figured out how to get through the basement door and fall down the stairs? What if I'm not there to catch him?

So, I have turned into a helicopter parent...well, you know besides the the fact that he refuses to leave my side thanks to separation anxiety. I still manage to hover over him like a floating aircraft.

Yet, he still manages to escape my grasp and explore the world on his own. He discovered the dog's dishes, stands on his own , and tries to shove anything he can find in his mouth BUT I am right there to catch him if he were to fall or to make sure nothing 'choke worthy' (yes, I made a up a word) goes into his mouth.

His first steps are nearing. I can feel it and I'm not ready. Not ready for him to turn into that walking toddler. Not ready for him to run away from me. Most of all, not ready for the boo-boo's and the bruises that come a long with this new found independence.

I'll be honest. I have been in a true emergency and kept my calm but with other people's children but can I do it for my own? Did I love those kiddo's, yes but it does not compare to the love you feel for your own and that maternal urge you feel deep inside to protect that tiny soul. The hurt that you feel when they are hurting. The pain you feel when you can't make it go away.

Last night, we went on our second bike ride. This time at a less than straight trail with what I felt like was the biggest hill on earth since I knew my child would be sailing down it. I yelled at Blake and told him to slow down and 'be careful!' but as I looked over at my son, I saw a light in his eyes.

A light that was so bright and so full of excitement and curiosity.

I slowed down and let him have his fun and listened to him giggle and sing. I let him be. There will always be times when I'm not there to catch him. I can't put him in a bubble (though I wish I could) and keep him safe from all that life entails.

BUT....

I can put a band-aid on his first boo-boo.

I can hold him close when his heart is broken for the first time. or the 3rd.

I can hold his hand when he is scared.

I can be there for him when he needs me to be.

I might not always be there when something happens but I'll always be there FOR him.

I'll always be there to catch him.